Healing

I really, really love the peacefulness of hearing all the different birds outside as the breeze and their whistles and chirps float through the window. I love that summer is coming and spring is here, complete with thunderstorms, although I'm not as fond of the tornadoes. I love seeing all the bushes and trees grow from sparse, barren sticks into full bundles of leaves and flowers. I love hearing the wind rustle through the tree leaves, feeling it come through the open windows and hit my skin in soft, cool waves.

I love the kids tromping off into the woods and coming back with handfuls of flowers that we put into cups and arrange on the counters and tables. I love that one of them found an eagle feather and another is hoping to catch a glimpse of a coyote while all are hoping the wild turkeys stay far away.

We're living now in the places we grew up, and our kids are going on adventures just like the ones we've gone on. Finding the treasures we once found. Discovering secret spots in houses and outside like we once found. Hitting trees with sticks, imagining what you'd do if you did happen upon a turkey or coyote. Climbing onto tree stumps, hiking through the woods, looking in the trees for birds or animals, taken to a place of imagination and magic.

We've been taken from a situation of chaos and plopped into the arms of comfort and simplicity and it feels very, very good.

Lions, Tigers, and Urgent Care, Oh My!

I'd planned to have a fairly quiet night of picking up and doing some laundry with the kiddos but life had other ideas. Drew fell on and then off a trampoline, falling onto the edge of the trampoline-direct hit to the shoulder-and then onto the ground-direct hit to the shoulder and face. His friend's mom called me right away, and from the sounds of it it was a tough fall to watch. (I'm feeling for her because there's something about any sort of breakage of another person's kid that is enough to induce the worst of the guilt-just in case she reads this I will again say that's why they're called accidents and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.)

Drew was attempting to be pretty stoic, he'd already cried in front of people-something that's pretty tough for a ten year old boy to do-and I could tell he was hurting. He was emphatic that he was fine and there was no need to see any doctors or anything, all while wincing and holding his shoulder. He still had grass embedded in his cheek. I told him I'd rather go to be sure and not have to do a worried visit to ER in the wee hours of the morning, so off to urgent care we went.

The girls got out their homework and settled in for the long haul. A friend and her daughter came in, so we caught up while I filled out paperwork and waited. Then into the exam room with the boys where Drew and I joked and talked to ease his nervousness and I attempted to keep Colin occupied (and stop him from touching the spinning stool/sharps container/blood pressure cuff/light/garbage/the floor/anything else disgusting or fragile & expensive by having him count to various numbers, spell words, and then look for different colored cars through the window.

A nurse, a doctor, and an x-ray later and we learned that there were no fractures, thank you God! just some bad bruising. After picking up some children's ibuprofen and cool ice packs and food for everyone we arrived home just before 8:00pm. So much for that free quiet night where we did a few chores and went to bed early.

We crammed the chores into about a half hour, three people bathed, and got settled in only to have the power go out. Then it was assessing that no one else's power was out and after finding the breaker box and resetting the switch to the miracle of electricity, getting the people calmed down enough to actually fall asleep.

Finally, it is quiet. I laid down with my book and dozed off. Only to be awakened at 2:00am by the weather radio to alert us that severe thunderstorms were coming (not uncommon in Iowa in spring.) So far the thunderstorms aren't that severe. Hopefully they stay that way.

I'll end this fairly banal post by saying that I'm actually pretty surprised that this was our first trampoline-related injury which means that the girls made it 12 years, Drew 10, and Colin 8. We don't have our own trampoline, but many friends do and my parents had one for awhile as well. I was the mean mom when they were young who wouldn't let them go all over the neighborhood and jump on trampolines even though the other kids could. I always felt bad because I know trampolines really are super fun, but I also was pretty paranoid that the odds weren't in our favor and its hard to make sure the kids are following the appropriate trampoline rules while gallivanting the neighborhood. I find it a little ironic (and funny) that given my previous vigilance that our first injury is in a safe place with a friend who takes awesome care of the kids in spite of their penchant for rowdy boy fun. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Mothers

I became a mom in 1999, inducted in a crazy way with the birth of our twin girls, Abbie & Arenne. It'd taken us a year and a half to become parents and we were having discussions about whether we'd look into seeing doctors or just halting the process and going back to college. We'd just about decided to move to Iowa City and choose college when I found out I was finally pregnant. My husband and I were very, very excited and more so (as well as profoundly shocked) when we learned there were two babies. I remember going to lunch and not saying much beyond wow and oh my, trying to hold back our enormous grins and the overwhelming logistical thoughts of having two babies at the same time. Their coming in to the world was quite eventful, they were born at 30 weeks and spent the first 7 weeks in the hospital. They were lovely babies and we had so much fun (between all the feeding and diaper changing and keeping them out of things); and have grown into such lovely, funny, intelligent, and individual girls.

Drew came along in 2000. Our first two and our third are 16 months apart. I remember my husband in denial that I could possibly be pregnant so soon, our twins were only SEVEN months old! I went to my parents and sat down on the stairs my mom had been vacuuming, started crying, and said, "Mom, I think I am pregnant again. What will I do? I only have two hands!" Drew's birth was wonderful, fun, and even my grandparents from California were able to be there. The girls started walking the day I went into the hospital to have him and were outside in the hallway shrieking and laughing with my parents and grandparents as their little brother was born. Drew was decidedly not an easy baby and his nickname of "Extreme Child" was well-earned. I like to joke that he got all of his angst out of the way in the first two years, he's the most easy-going kid now, as well as quick and funny.

Colin came along in 2002. We'd gone back and forth on having another child and just when the vasectomy talks began we decided we weren't done. I also insisted that we start trying asap because I wanted to do all the stages at once; I didn't want to get out of diapers & potty training only to start all over again. Colin came into the world 3 weeks early, spent a few days in the NICU and has been filling our lives with excitement and hilarity ever since.

This is us, waving goodbye to my sister in 2003 (?), its one of my favorite pictures. Four kids in 3 1/2 years and still standing. We had a lot of fun, went on lots of adventures, and now I have a hard time remembering how I did it. ;)

This is my mom, Laurel, with Abbie & Arenne on our Memorial Day camping trip last year. My mom has taught me so much about being a mom and about being a person. She's given me love, strength, independence, faith, and a sense of humor. She is incredibly funny and quick-witted and showed me how to laugh at life. She has done things in her life that have shown me how to be strong, to put yourself out there, and to perservere. She's shown me how to win and how to fail. She made sure I grew up knowing God; something that means more to me now than ever. She taught me how to love my siblings and how to love my children. She worked in a non-traditional jobs for woman program when I was a baby, working on a road construction crew and later worked her way up in the business world and taught us how to golf, love the Hawkeyes, and appreciate wine. She is a great mom, but an even better grandma. I love that my girls will learn how to love and mother from their grandmas.

Above is my mom's mom, my Grandma Donna, with my nephew Jackson and myself. I love this picture of her laughing and holding Jack Jack. This woman has four kids, eighteen grandchildren, twenty-some (still counting) great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild with another on the way. Unequivocally she has been the biggest supporter and encourager of my interest in literature and writing. When I was a kid she always made me feel loved, her hugs are the best; as an adult she's a tremendous example of how to love others, how to live, and to love and live even through the tough times. She gave, and gives, each and every one of us this tremendous sense of who we are and who we have the potential to be, and that she loves us all no matter what. Her cookie jar has been full for my entire life, always. Never empty. With that many grandkids and greats this is a feat in and of itself. She also remembers each and every birthday and anniversary, something I wish I had inherited.

This is my dad's mom, my Grandma Milly, with my nephew Tommy. The two words often used to describe her are energetic & youthful. She is something to marvel at. She's loved me, encouraged me, and taught me to walk with my spine straight and head high (complete with the book on the head and pulling back of the shoulders). She's taught me what it means to have drive, to be proud of who I am, and helped me get out of bed by popping open the shades and banging on the birthday bell in the mornings. (Once you've heard this sound, you won't forget it.) The rest of the grandkids heard it only for birthdays, but when I lived with my grandparents it was my alarm clock. I don't get to see her as much now, as she and my grandpa live in California, and I definitely miss her hugs. If there was one reason I'd wish for money, it would be so I could visit my family as much as we wanted-or at least more than we've been able to.

All of these women have taught me what it means to mother, to raise and love your children. They've shown me lessons throughout my life, been tremendous examples of who women should be, and that mothering never stops. I continue to learn from them and be loved by them and I am thankful that God blessed me with each of them. For as much as I love words, there just aren't enough to convey the enormity of the love I've been given and continue to receive.

Happy Mother's Day.

I really should be better

at keeping up with people.

I am no good at sending out letters or emails, cards or notes or even school pictures of my children. I put them up so that I can sit down to cut them out and write the name and year on the back, except I never really get around to that cutting out bit. And then at some point I move them to my photo storage bin (one of many) and then forget until one of my sisters reminds me that I haven't sent pictures in a long, very long, time. I'm thinking I may just give them all at once when they graduate. More efficient, no?

Facebook is helpful for people like me, those of us who think often about sending someone a note or birthday card or pictures of the kids concerts. For when I think, I wonder what so and so is up to, but never get around to emailing, or calling, or even texting.

At one point I won this handy card organizer at an alumni banquet and I was pretty darn excited. I remember sitting down to write everyone's birthdays and anniversaries in it and putting cards in the proper months and getting all the addresses into the handy address book. I was ready, I was organized!

I found that handy card organizer as we moved a few weeks back. With most of the cards still in it, waiting to be written in and mailed out. I also found all of the files I'd once made for the kids' school paperwork-three of them, the girls were in kindergarten and Drew in preschool. I don't think I've had an efficient filing system since.

So, I'm thankful for Facebook, and email, and cell phones. But mostly for my loved ones and friends who still like me no matter how forgetful or scatterbrained or absent I can be.

Walking by Faith?

I've really loved this song for awhile now, but was recently struck again by the words. I'd sort of been singing along mindlessly when the words I was singing started striking a chord with me. It's not that I'd never paid attention before, but I found myself really listening again and then singing with conviction. Here are the lyrics:

"Walk By Faith" by Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

and a link to a youtube video of it.

Some of my favorite worship time is singing loudly and passionately for God, whether I'm in church, the car, the bathtub, or with my best friend Laura at LifeLight. I've found my volume and passion increase depending on my own comfort zone in each place. Sadly, I've been most subdued in CHURCH. In God's own house I temper myself, something I decided to put a stop to this past Sunday during Easter worship. I had a cold, but I sang out anyway, loudly and passionately in worship of my Savior. It felt good, great, AWESOME. (A friend later said she could hear me through Pastor's microphone, but I was in the very front.)

At LifeLight, Laura and I worship with our whole selves-heart, mind, body, soul-and it is so wonderful. It feels good to fully worship God in song, in prayer, and in praise. Then we come back home, to our Lutheran church home, and we subdue ourselves. We're not so much afraid of what people will think or say, but more of possibly scaring them away-admittedly we can be sort of scary together.

Singing is just one place I do this, this hiding our light thing. How often each day do I shy from walking by faith, of being who God has called me to be? How often do I resist sharing something because I don't want to be all holy roller? Or maybe its as simple as resisting that urge (otherwise known as prompting from the Holy Spirit) to pray with someone, to say hello, to stop and take time to talk?

The reverse of this is how often do I actually rejoice in my sufferings? How often do I lift that cross and walk with it? How often do I pretend to be doing better than I am? I know in my heart that I have been incredibly blessed by the challenges in my life, that they've shaped and formed me as a follower of God, but do I share that?

Am I walking in faith no matter where I am? No matter what's happening in my life?

¹ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.~Romans 5:1-5

We have moved

and that's my excuse for lack of posting. Our move happened quickly, we were very sad to leave our neighborhood but on to new adventures! The good part of our move was purging A LOT of junk and stuff and now most of what we own fits into a single garage size storage unit, woohoo! Feels good to get rid of all the STUFF.

We've been through some big changes in our family over the past 6 months or so and the best part is that our family has grown closer AND stronger in our faith in God. I can only hope that will continue, through any other struggles we may face.

Not much of the yarny type stuff happening right now, I still need to finish my own furry flip flop, and then we'll see what comes after.

On the reading front I just finished Water for Elephants, which I found to be as good as others had said it would be. I often find myself shying away from really popular books, but was glad I didn't with this one. And I always like to read the book before seeing a movie made it from it, so that's done! I am also doing a couple different Bible studies, continuing to read the Apocrypha-although its been awhile since I've picked it up-as well as a book called Jesus-Experience the Power and Meaning of Christ-and when I can figure out where I packed it-Twelve Ordinary Men.

The rain has been coming down since yesterday and we're expecting SNOW again tonight. This type of weather is no good for my joints so I spent this morning resting-I haven't done enough of that lately and its showing in my inability to sleep and in my brain function (or lack thereof.) I guess its a good reminder of how all of this is helped by getting good rest.

Now to attempt to get moving and get some chores done in the rain-wheeeeee!

They really do grow up very quickly

Everyone that has children talks about how quickly they grow up, and people who know children notice it too. I don't know that I ever really KNEW how quickly until I had some of my own. Abbie & Arenne will be TWELVE next week and I'm feeling like somebody hit fast-forward and forgot to let me know. A couple weeks ago they went to a middle school dance, Arenne is above in the yellow, Abbie in the blue. They take my breath away with not only how pretty they are, but with how grown up they are becoming. It feels like we were just in the throes of baby and toddlerhood, then the grade school days, and now middle school has begun and 6th grade is practically over. What happened to the two of them tromping around in plastic dress up heels dragging the skirts of my old prom dresses behind them? Now they're in middle school in their own dresses and going to dances and in the band and into their own music and trying out for cheerleading.

Time FLIES when you are raising children, more so than you ever think you can fathom when you are having them. One minute you're pregnant and the next you're talking about puberty with them. The challenge is enjoying just where they are and not babying them while not letting them go out and take the car to the store. (HOLY COW the permit age is creeping up WAY TOO QUICKLY!)

I was recently asked if the girls are very different, a question parents of twins field quite often. And usually the answer will be yes. They are very different, just like all siblings and it seems as they grow older they really want to emphasize their individuality. It can't help to look just like each other. For a lot of years their interests were pretty similar, at least as far as sports and extra activities, but as they grow up I see them choosing their own paths (as all kids are wont to do.) A small part of the protective mom in me wants to reach out and hold them close, for so long I've had a sort of safety in numbers comfort as they've been together in most situations. But the bigger part of me is so excited to see them grow and be who they are; to watch them becoming themselves more and more. It's pretty cool to watch people grow up, to get to see them explore who they are and make their own decisions. I just hope I can allow them to do and be without holding them back, to be supportive and encouraging. This becomes especially challenging with hormones involved-my own included!-and I can honestly say I never knew how patient I could be until I had girls hit puberty. May the Lord be with us all as we keep growing, and keep me reminded to enjoy it as it happens and rejoice as these times become memories and more are made.

My devotion from today

March 30, 2011

The LORD will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

Psalm 138:8, NLT Every person dreams and makes plans for the future. Then they work hard to see those dreams and plans come true. But to make the most of life, we must include God’s plan in our plans. He alone knows what is best for us; he alone can fulfill his purpose for us. As you make plans and dream dreams, talk with God about them.

(from the Life Application Daily Devotion email)

I always love these moments where I definitely see God speaking to me through His word. Or maybe I should say those moments where I hear and recognize God speaking to me through His word! This devotion is one of those. God has brought some big changes our family's way over the past few months and as we adjust and try to chart our course I need to keep reminding myself to seek God and His will for our lives. I may not know where He is leading us, but I do know He is taking care of us every step of the way.

Last night we had some big discussion about what our plans are in adjusting to my no longer working and seeking help from Mayo, as well as other pretty big things going on in our lives and I love that I can openly talk with my kids about how we all need to pray as we face uncertainties and fears and that before I can even finish the verse we said Jeremiah 29:11 together:For God has plans to prosper and not to harm you!

I'm blessed to have my family and so blessed to have my faith in God. Praise to you Oh Christ!!!!

Alright, so I goofed up

and maybe its my lack of brain function? My niece's birthday was actually March 19th. I KNOW this. I do, really. But somehow I decided on the 17th it was on the 17th. I have no excuse. Forgive me Jozie bird! Aunt Lisa really does know when you're birthday is, I promise! Jozie is now officially two and I may be biased, but she's just a fantastically lovely and hilarious little person. I love how she is so just herself all the time in all the moments. I think that may be why I love being with little kids so much, they really are themselves without all these filters and walls and boundaries and rules we throw up as we get older. We need some of those, but let's be honest in that we could really do without quite a lot of the parameters we put on ourselves as "grown-ups."

In that spirit, I'll keep on blogging and throwing out there the stuff others may try to hide or hold back. I have a quote on my wall in my office that says, "People don't expect you to be perfect-they already know you aren't. What they want you to be is honest! So let them see your struggles, not just your successes. We usually grow as much from others' weaknesses as we do from their strengths." I read that in a devotion (possibly Purpose Driven Life) and immediately typed it up and put it on my wall. We sometimes try to hide all those things about ourselves but I've been much too open in my life to let that hold me back. Thankfully I married someone who has helped me to learn when I should hold back, unfortunately I don't always listen to him.

I've really been dealing so much with the ups and downs of my physicality and health and although I know I've grown so much in relying on God rather than myself, I still struggle with it. I can say honestly that I have never trusted God as fully as I do at this point in my life, everything really is in his hands. I know from the Bible that it all definitely is in his hands, but I know I have most certainly deluded myself for a lot of years into thinking I have some sort of control over things. BUT I DON'T and I am now in a place where I know that absolutely. I don't even know from day to day how my brain will be functioning, much less trying to micromanage everything around me.

I had a pretty rough day on Monday. I couldn't get out of my funk, I was just sad and defeated and IN A FUNK. I continued to get pulled down, more and more. I was down, tears fell, and I could feel myself infecting the rest of my family with my doldrums. I kept turning to things to try to distract myself, or somehow feel better and nothing seemed to be working. I finally sat down and picked up my Bible Study. And then one of my girls sat with me and picked up her Lenten devotions and read me a question from it, "What things in your life turned out easier than you expected?" First of all, I stopped short because I realized that the entire day I'd been searching in all the wrong places. I'd like to say that I turn to God first, but in reality I still turn to places I know won't help. But I am growing and can say that I turn to God a whole lot more now than in years past and I'm very thankful for that. The second thing that struck me when Abbie asked the question was how difficult I found it to actually answer the question. I could think of lots of things that were harder than I expected, those answers popped up right away; but thinking of things that were easier left me really searching.

It speaks to my focus and where I'm at. Some days its easy to answer that question, I can find tons of things that were easier than I thought they'd be and a great example would be my latest batch of testing. I'd expected to be there for much of the day and for things to take a long time and be a lot more difficult to get through. Instead, the nurses and doctor were fantastic and they had me in an out of there in just a few hours. It went much BETTER than I'd expected. Which again, speaks to where my focus is. I could argue that in expecting things to be tougher I am pleasantly surprised when they aren't, but in reality I know that if my focus is on the more negative aspects how can I expect myself to really be looking at my life through eyes of faith? Am I continually expecting to be disappointed by my circumstances, and in effect by God? Am I only positive on the good days? How can I be positive on the rough ones? Or at the very least have some better expectations?

Oh how I need to continue to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-14. BIG TIME. ¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” "

Halfway through March...Really?

It's hard to believe we're halway through the month of March and celebrating St. Patrick's Day. We're also celebrating the birthday of my niece, Jozie (pictured above), who turns 2 today! I cannot believe how fast she is growing up, and I should be used to it seeing my four grow up so quickly. We'll be going to her birthday party tomorrow night, pretty excited for that. :)

Below is Laura in her finished hat, I am so pleased with how it turned out and Laura is pleased I have pictures in a more matching shirt. It's such a good feeling to make things for people you love.

Next we have Abbie in her track stitch beret, in a pretty blue. Unfortunately the band is a tad too snug, so I'll be making her another. It still astounds me when I use the same hook, yarn, and pattern for a project as one I've previously made and it turns out to be a different size. I'd thought my tension was pretty set, apparently not! I don't have anymore of this blue, will need to get some more for a slightly larger version.

I've been absent again, mainly because I haven't felt like writing (not that I do a whole lot of that anyhow). My family doctor has taken on getting me set up with Mayo, unfortunately they didn't get the process started a week and a half ago when I was in, but after some follow up calls the process is started!). I'm now waiting to hear from Mayo, after they look over my records and decide what to do with me. I've had some kind of respiratory illness that's kicking my behind, but am on antibiotics to hopefully clear it up. Things have been up and down for me as usual and I went through some sleep troubles, but am able to sleep more again, thankfully.

I've also been up and down in my relationship with God, I find myself getting down because of my lack of function and stuck in pain and have a harder time reading the Bible and connecting to God. Usually music helps during those times, but sometimes I'm even staying away from that. Last week, in spite of feeling pretty horrible, I made it to church to teach Confirmation and attend Ash Wednesday service. I asked God to keep me from infecting others with my growliness during my usual pre-Confirmation prayer (where I always ask for his guidance in teaching and talking with the kids.) As usual, God was with me and we had a good class. Worship was absolutely healing. We sang At the Foot of the Cross, one of my very favorite songs, and I found myself feeling so blessed and comforted. Ash Wednesday service is so meaninful to me now, where once it was just another service to attend. It was interesting to talk with the Confirmation kids about what Ash Wednesday is, and to remember how far I've come in my faith. I found myself struck by how little my own girls knew about it, and was reminded of how little I once knew about it.

I'm so thankful to have grown so much in my faith, to be so much more connected to God. Thankfully he is always there, I just need to remember to hold my own end of the relationship (something which I fail at regularly, not only with God, but with friends and family as well.) I love them all so much and still find it a struggle, which it really shouldn't be. I'm thankful that they all love me in spite of that.

Last week I had a rough day full of emotion and lots more crying-as much as I like getting the emotion out, I really dislike doing it. During that I said to my husband that I have nothing, aside from myself, to bring to the table. I have only myself and who I am and what I can do, which lately is not much in terms of job and activity, etc. Now, during my non-misery times I know that I bring a lot to the table in terms of who I am and how I love, but in those miserable times it doesn't always feel like much. Fast forward to last night's Lenten service where the theme was...Nothing. I shouldn't be surprised by these serendipitous moments, but I continually am and blessed to have them. During his sermon PT said "Jesus + Nothing=Everything" So very, very true.

In yarn news

I've been really into hats lately. I made the hat for my friend Laura, which turned out to be on the large side-its called oversized in the pattern so we were warned. She asked if I could do something to make it a little smaller so I did! I knit an i-cord and weaved it into the band of the hat, and then crocheted a flower to wrap the i-cord around and tie to hold it in place. I am really pleased with how it turned out and hope Laura will be too.

Next I attempted a hat for myself, also in Paton's Bamboo Silk, with the Track Stitch Beret pattern from Red Heart. My yarn was lighter

weight than what the pattern called for, and I used a slightly smaller hook for said yarn, so in spite of making the larger (medium) size instructions

its still a tad small for me. It is perfect for my girls though! Arenne snatched the first one up last night and wore it to school today-which must mean she likes it, and I'll be making another for Abbie next. Here's Arenne in her new hat and a close up of the hat when I finished it.

And a little not yarn news, because he's so cute and I'm a mom so its my job to boast! Drew had his fourth grade vocal concert last week, which was awesome. What was even cooler was that Drew's artwork was chosen for the big slideshow during one of the songs, and was displayed in the hallway outside. Here he is with his reproduction of a famous image:

I'm pretty proud of him and his painting is amazing, he put in a lot of detail and is definitely talented in the artwork department.

Frustating Health Update

This week I went in to get my test results from the neurologist, and also have come down with yet another virus. I'm miserable and frustrated and just not great company.

The good news: nothing showed up on the tests. No MS, no weird arteries, nothing in the spinal fluid, no tumors, or aliens (that we have the technology to see.) This isn't just good news, its incredibly fantastic news.

The bad news: still no diagnosis and it felt as if the neuro hadn't really even glanced much at my chart from when I was there 3 weeks ago until Monday. She re-asked questions (and not like she was testing my abilities in doing so) and had me do certain things again, gave me a prescription (for pain-which has never been part of my conversations with her, nor is it my primary focus) and said come back in 6 months. There were other things that really, really bothered me as well. She basically said that the a brain biopsy would be the next test-which she doesn't want to do and neither do I-at all, ever. She doesn't want to treat me for the vasculitis because of my age. My frustration with all of this is that I continue to see doctors and seek answers and am put off to wait-for months at a time-because they aren't getting results from the tests. Meanwhile, I continue to detiorate at a fairly rapid rate. If the past six months are any indication I could lose even more brain function and more control of my body.

The downside of these kinds of illnesses is that just because the tests don't turn anything up, it doesn't rule out the disease. So, no signs are good, but I still don't have an answer. I'm not being given information on how to be proactive about this, just being told to wait. Meanwhile, my body continues to fail as does my mind.

All of this has made me see (again, as I needed to relearn) how important it is that I am eating right and doing what I can to be as healthy as I can.

I'm surprised that in my visits, I am not being given information on living healthier, I am not being given information on what I can do to help myself with my brain function and mindy/body coordination, just given prescriptions and sent off to wait.

Plan of action is to get into Mayo, where an entire team of doctors will be working together-which definitely does not seem to be happening for me at the moment-and hopefully helping me figure out how to be proactive with whatever is happening to me.

More Actually Finished Projects!

Here is my good friend Laura modeling her new hat. :) It's a an oversized beret and perfect for her to put all of her curly hair into. It turned out much better than expected, as its one of the first of this kind I've knitted. I had a bit of trouble with the pattern as well, but modified it a little and it worked out fine. It's a nice soft bamboo which I'm pretty sure is my new favorite yarn to work with.

Below is a dishcloth I whipped up yesterday, totally random crochet-I did rows of single crochet and then threw in a row of double crochet here and there. Made with Sugar 'n Cream Twist in Country Twists. I like having something mindless that I don't have to think about or follow a pattern with for when the brain isn't working as well.

Almost finished with the hat for Laura!

This mishapen bit of knitting will be a hat if I can turn up any of my darning needles. I'm always buying extras but can never seem to find any when I really need one. Thinking maybe I should buy a a whole case of them.

When Laura and I were out shopping for her hippie outfit she found a hat she loved and I said "I could probably make one like that!" Usually I start these projects and then just never seem to finish them, but I am DETERMINED! The knitting is now done, I just need to sew it up. I am not sure whether I'd rather knit in the round and use dpn's or sew up the seams. At this point I'm leaning toward the dpn's.

In other news, I am reading a lovely book called The Beach Street Knitting Society and Yarn Club by Gil McNeil and I'm really, really liking it. I want to devour it, but at the same time I don't want it to end. I did find myself thinking that knitting while reading a book about knitting is a tad obsessive. I am also continuing to read Crazy, Sexy, Diet when I'm not reading the other book and am in Chapter 2 and learning about pH levels in food. I very much like the author's way of explaining things and she is pretty darn funny, so even though I am not normally big on diets or non-meat eating I highly recommend this. If she can potentially convert someone like me, others should find it even more enjoyable.

As I am not totally converted yet we'll be having a nice Valentine steak dinner (which will be chefed up as usual by the husband) and maybe I'll get crazy and do some chocolatey dessert. The author does recommend not starting the diet right before holidays or birthdays, and I fully agree!

Now, off on the quest for a darning needle and then hopefully a nap.

Happy Valentine's Day. :)

My fantastic Aunt Traci sent me a message suggesting we do this diet together. My first response to the word diet is to run and hide and plug my ears. Then I see that it's a vegetarian diet. Ack! No way, no how! I'm pickier than most small children in my eating habits, stubborn and set in my ways. Really.

But, I trust Traci and I love her and I'm excited she'll be living near me. She knows more than I what it means to have a disease and be limited by your own health, to face your own mortality. Instead of hedging and pretending I had an excuse to not do this I went to get the book. It's called "Crazy Sexy Diet" by Kris Carr. In true me form I find myself sitting with my latte, having just devoured a triple chocolate brownie, but I'm reading the book.

And so far I like it.

Don't faint

but this is really two days of posts in a row. Thought I would throw up some yarny type pictures.

Here are Arenne & Abbie modeling the scarves I made them. I intended to have these done for Christmas, but in true me form I didn't finish them until January. I really love how they turned out, except I'm still not sure why one is longer than the other. I call them the asymmetrical scarves as one color is two thirds of the scarf and the other one third. One color of each is a bamboo yarn, the other merino. I made them the same-or so I thought.

Also, can you believe how OLD my girls are?!?! They are 11, will be 12 in April.

This is a bracelet I made using decorative trimming, crocheted and looking quite fancy, modeled by Abbie.

And this is my good friend Laura, who was dressing as a hippie for a work party and needed a headband. I found some decorative trimming and knitted this up. The butterfly is a barrette attached. We (she) did learn that decorative trimming can be itchy, so I will watch out for that with future purchases. I'm really liking how it works up and am looking forward to making some fun stuff for the girls with different kinds of it. This is what lead to the bracelet above.

Hopefully I'll be back to post a few more pictures soon. Sooner at least than 6 months from now!

And into another year

Even with the best of intentions, I am a failure at regularly updating this blog. I'm sure to have lost any readers I may have had, including my faithful friends.

Here we are and many months have passed. Life has thrown some pretty big changes my way, and I am now facing the loss of my job as I am just not able to keep up with it, my family, and my health issues. The church has really gone above and beyond in accommodating me with my illness and its hard to face that the time has come for me to to be done working. It feels to me like I'm throwing in the towel somehow, even if I know in reality that's not true. It still feels like a form of giving up and giving in to this illness. So, now we are into the fun-filled process of seeking disability and I am facing no longer being able to work. Maybe if I hated my job it would be different, but I very much love what I do and for so long have felt that God called me to be where I am in the church. Finding out I could no longer do it was pretty devastating and its taking me time to absorb.

Along with that is facing that this isn't some health issue that will eventually go away (although I've known that for awhile, just put off facing the inevitable.) I've recently gone through testing to see if it could be Central Nervous System Vasculitis-which is something I suspected awhile back and promptly shoved to the back of my brain. My continued loss of control of my body and my brain have made it impossible to ignore and thanks to God throwing some heavy stuff and good friends and family my way I am back on track in seeking a diagnosis. Going through illness with a lack of a diagnosis is wearying, whether its months or years. I am now in my seventh year with whatever this disease (or diseases) is (or are). I was diagnosed with Polyarteritis Nodosa, but there was talk that they may not have been correct due to some test level, and even that shouldn't be causing all of the issues I am having. For awhile they were thinking PAN with Multiple Sclerosis, but no sign of MS in any MRI or lumbar puncture over the past 7 years. My brain shows some slight degeneration, but of the sort that can be benign...or not. So now I've gone for a lumbar puncture, CT angiogram, and bloodwork to see if CNS vasculitis is making its mark. For some reason I was drawn to this disease about 3 years back and now here it comes again. I am not borrowing trouble, the trouble is here and I'd just like to know what sort it is and treat it.

All of this means that the past month has been full of some pretty darn big changes and uncertainties for my husband and I and our family. The disease is not only affecting my body quite significantly, but also my cognition and memory which in turn has negatively affected my ability to work. So, we're back to one income and may not be able to stay in our house and have lots of medical debt and are worried about health insurance and my coverage.

But, in what should be the most distressing and fearful time of our lives (outside of the girls' births and my later near death experience), we have been showered with so much love and have come together as a family in holding each other up. God has blessed us in a multitude of ways, and I am so thankful for everyone He is working through and those who have come out of the woodwork to show us care and love. I'm holding on to these verses (11-14) from Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring will you back from captivity. I will you gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Many of us know verse 11, but I'm clinging to the whole passage. When I share with people, I often stop at the end of verse 13, or am tempted to stop partway through verse 14. The rest seems so, well, harsh. It's a letter sent by the prophet Jeremiah to the "surviving elders among the exiles and to the priests, the prophets and all the other people Nebudchadnezzar had carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon." Its a letter to from God to His people who had been exiled. You see, God's people of Israel, referred to in the Bible as His chosen ones, His children, were thrown into exile. Their journey is a long one, fraught with many instances of turning away from God and willfully choosing their own way over God's. A few years back I read through the Bible front to back for the first time in my life. As I read through the Old Testament I found myself so frustrated with God's people because they JUST KEPT DISOBEYING HIM. Like little children who choose their own way in shortsightedness. And then one day, I realized that I am doing the very same thing, over and over, when I choose to live life on my own without Him, in all the big and small ways I choose my own path over His, and willfully delude myself into thinking I'm not really turning away from Him, not really sinning. But I am, A LOT. MUCH OF THE TIME! And here I was so frustrated with the Israelites in the Old Testament, couldn't they see what they were turning from?!?! How many more ways did God need to show them His love, His miracles? Manna from heaven??? The plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, so many things that God had already shown them and they DIDN'T GET IT!

And then I realized that not only do I have those events, but I have the entirety of the Bible and all of the miracles it contains and that I know of the most precious miracle and gift of all-His Son, Jesus, who came to save me from my sin. And I have all of those moments in my own life where I know God has been working. And, just like those Israelites, I still turn to myself instead of to Him. The letter in Jeremiah 29 is God's message that for every one of us who is "in exile" He is still there for us, still loving us, still there with His arms open wide with plans to PROSPER and NOT TO HARM US, still there with HOPE AND A FUTURE. It's that love and that hope that I cling to, that I hold fast to, and that sustains my family and I right now. I am praying to God, and I admit I do not know where or how things will happen in our lives. I don't know how this disease will progress, I do not know if we will need to find a new place to live, I do not know how we'll keep up with healthcare and rising medical debt. I do know that God loves me and my family and that even when things are seeming to crumble around us, they really aren't, God is there, answering our prayers even when we may not realize it right away. And when that realization comes, wow. I am thankful that now in my walk with God I am quicker to see it, faster to realize it, and the best part is that usually I am thanking and praising Him in very short order for the blessings He gives us.

Hellooooooooooooo

Once again, I've been absent for half the year. At least anyone who's read my blog knows this happens much more often over the past few years-if any of those people ever even check back. I wouldn't blame them if they don't.

I go so long I forget my login information. It's downright sad.

So, where am I? Health issues still plague me, the latest round is high blood pressure which has laid me out for about two weeks. It seems to be under control again, I hope. I'm on a new NSAID which really seems to be helping with the arthritis and I'm hopeful I may be able to live a life more like a 34 year old and less like a 74 year old. A 74 year old with arthritis, as one of my grandmothers proves-there are many 70 and 80 year olds far more fit and mobile than myself!

I'm home with a night off, the boys have gone to Okoboji and my girls are at a sleepover. Going to the lake is a blessing for my husband and boy does he need it dealing with me, the kids, the house, and the job on his "regular time." The benefit is I get a bit of a break as well.

Things have been fairly rough on the health side of it, but hopefully I'll continue to see improvement, I'm really looking forward to it.

As a fun aside, we discovered a stray cat mama and five kittens in our shed. The kids want to keep all of them, the husband and I (and our two house cats) are not in agreement. But they are pretty darn cute. Now, I've got to figure out what to do with them all.

Some people...

Just back from the school run where I got dirty looks and glares for where I dropped my youngest off at primary school. As with most schools, drop off and pick up times at our schools are crazy and the school tries to minimize the insanity by designating certain doors for certain groups. We are fortunate to have a few drive-through routes at our primary school. The side is used for Kindergarten-2nd, with a sort of separate area for K and the front of the building is designated for preschool, preK, and handicapped & special needs as it is closer to walk to and has lots of handicapped parking. I've been given permission to use it since the girls began going to school there for preschool.

During my healthier times I use the side drop-off, otherwise I use the front, especially for the youngest who is a bit of a lollygagger and easily distracted. This way I can pull up and drop him off and am able to see him walk to the door and into the school a few feet away. It also saves me having to get out and walk him up. If I do need to walk him in, it saves me a lot of walking and exertion that is better spent elsewhere and often is pretty painful for me.

Today I was in the lane dropping Col off and there were more than a few other parents using it due to cold and snow who would normally use the side lane so it was congested and backed up, but this is pretty normal. As I sat waiting to be able to pull out I had two women (other moms) walk out of the building look at the congestion, talk to each other and then begin glaring at various people, myself included. I happened to be straight in the line of fire, and I really do understand their frustration, especially when you have little children or special needs children and value that lane. I know that what to some may seem a small convenience it can be a HUGE help to others and save some steps and energy.

What gets me is how judgemental others can be, so focused on their own needs that they fail to realize that even though others may not appear to have limitations they just might. Unless you see me walking, and sometimes even when you do, you'd not really know I have a disease. You wouldn't see that I am not a healthy, able person. I get a lot of looks like the ones today.

I generally try to not use shortcuts, as if to prove I am able and that I can do it. I end up wasting energy and pushing myself far beyond my limits and half the time, its because of those looks. I don't want to be seen as using something others may need more than me. But, I do need those things and I end up hurting myself by pushing too far. I use the handicapped stall in the bathroom, I use the shorter lane at the school, I park as closely as possibly at stores and its not because I don't care that others may need it. It's because I need it, even if I don't appear to.

I know it won't stop and I also know I've found myself doing the same to others and I'd like to kick myself for it. How many times have I sat in judgement of someone using the same things and feeling as if I had more of a right to it? How many times have I been frustrated with someone for appearing to be healthy and able and using things they "shouldn't." I am more attuned to it, but if even those of us who are not able do it how can we expect those without an understanding of our limitations to do any differently?

Wow. April was the last time I posted?

Oh my. The absent blogger again returns. Le sigh.

Home desktop is online again, yay! I also have a fancy iPhone as well, so hopefully I will return a tad more often. Sheesh, even once a month would be good at this point.

Here's what's happened since April: family, work, church, family, work, church. I also have a new niece (Joe's brother & his girlfriend) and now my sister is expecting in June. YAY! We had everyone back for the holidays which was wonderful and now are settling into the post-holiday crash. My illness has been up and down, with a lot of downs. I have a new rheumatologist who I really like but have only seen once, I go back on the 11th. I am hopeful that he will be able to help me live to the fullest and not just try to treat the pain. For the first time ever I kept track of all the books I read in 2009. I made it to 198, including all the books of the Bible. It was really cool to see all I have read and thanks to some other voracious readers I am now on Goodreads.com (link to come when I am less lazy) and loving tracking the books I've read there. ESPECIALLY because more than a few times I've gotten books only to get a few pages in and realize I've already read them. I had hoped to make it to 200, since I was so close, but spent time with family instead. Next year maybe.

This year I am going to try Project365, although if my blog posting is any indication I might make it a month. Hoping to go through the year though!!!

It's good to be back. Aaaaaah.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Merry Christmas and peace and love to you all. May you receive and recognize God's blessings throughout the year!!!!