I am really fortunate to be a member of a really great forum of women who all have different chronic conditions. I've been a member of this group for much of the time I've struggled with my health issues and they've been invaluable in their support, knowledge, commiseration, and listening ear. One side of having an illness is that it can often be hard for those who haven't been in similar shoes to understand how it is (as in most things in life.) It also is very, very good to have a place to go where you can share without feeling as if you further burdening your loved ones and where others understand even when you're at your basest. Another part of being sick is that you often find yourself comforting someone else about your own illness when you do share about it. Now, this I do get, it means people care and love you and what you to know that. But sometimes you get sick of being a sick person. Today is one of those days for me.
I have been down, sad, in a funk, hurting a lot, frustrated, aggravated, in tears, and downright angry today. All at my illness. I can't stand myself when I feel like this and dislike it even further when nothing seems to help me get out of it. I read, I play on the internets, I listen to music, I pray, I seek God's word and His voice, but SOMETIMES you find yourself in a place where nothing seems to reach you. That is me, today.
I posted this:
I really shouldn't be so down about this because I've been doing a lot better and living healthier, but I overdid it this week-I pulled weeds and cleaned bathrooms (really scrubbed them) and tried walking on the treadmill. I'm frustrated because I am in a ton of pain, because I couldn't sleep, and because I've been reminded once again of my limitations and it just really pisses me off.And I got a reply pretty quickly, which is one of the reasons I felt a little better. Thanks L, I needed it, and it helped to know I'm not alone, especially given the week you've had!!
I'm sure some of this emotional shit is because I have fully weaned from the Cymbalta and still feeling some of the withdrawal, but I am having a hard time being positive and seem to keep thinking of every negative and poisonous thing I can. I don't like it.
I am having a hard time talking to God, not connecting with His word and these are things that usually sustain me.
I want to continue and just be normal and I know that really isn't possible because I have a disease, but right now I just am very unhappy about it. Last night I spent time reading funny stuff while I couldn't sleep, but even that isn't helping.
Blargh. Off to let myself have a good cry, because sometimes you just need to.
Sometimes online friendships/support get a bad rap. But one of the reasons I love them is that even on the days when I feel no one should be subjected to me, the days where its excruciating just moving around the house; I can pop online and talk to people. Sometimes its this message board I post on, sometimes its somebody through Facebook, sometimes its finding a devotion or song that I read or listen tothat helps me get back on track. Sometimes it reading about the Bloggess and the Big Metal Chicken. Sometimes it just posting and letting out all the bad crap, getting it out of your system with people who understand how it is.
And sometimes I find someone who can help me regain my sense of humor, and my faith that God indeed is there loving me and I am reminded once again of Jeremiah 29, that God has plans to prosper and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (This ended up being a bit cheerier than I'd thought it'd be, would you look at that?)