Saturday, January 11, 2014

I no longer have an other.

Divorce is hard. It is brutal. It is painful.

I've been through some very, very difficult stuff. Being sick, almost dying, watching loved ones die. Those are all harder. But divorce is very hard.

The more excruciating part is what is does to my children. And I can't stop it. I can't make it better. I no longer have the powerful magic of kissing an owie to fix this. Causing your own children pain, knowing that no matter how you handle it, you will fail, is just downright horrible.

It's hard to no longer have a person to walk through life with. Even if that person hasn't been walking with me for a long time now. There's no one there to hold, no one to call in an emergency. Except that isn't true. I have an amazing family, and beautiful friends. I have them. They have saved me, over and over. By loving me, being there, and reminding me of exactly who I am and of how loveable I am. That I deserve to be loved. Genuinely, for exactly who I am-the good, the bad, the ugly, and the great. I have my children, who are the most important people in the world to me. I did not ever think they would have to go through this. I never wanted this for them when I chose to have them. I wish I could make it better, and as much as I love words, there aren't any to fully describe my feeling for them or how much I wish I could heal them. I'm so blessed that they are mine.

So. Life has been hard. It's been brutal. But it is still beautiful. I'm myself again, more fully than I've been in a very, very long time. It will get better. I'm amazed at the people who've reached out to me, at just the right times. Thank you. As in most things, you never really know until you're in something how it is. I'm thankful for those who've helped, and encouraged, and just loved me.

Hopefully I can start writing more. I'll not use this place to delve too deeply into my marriage-this is far too public for that-but it's been my writing space for a lot of years now. Hopefully it won't take me another year to come back.

1 comment:

Jewels said...

oh dear, sorry to hear of your pain. Divorce is a death of sorts, but also a rebirth of yourself too. you'll realize you're so much more than you ever know.