Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Please Sir, May I have another?

The one shot of neuprogen everyday is not cutting it. This news did not surprise me considering how awful I feel. They are now going to give me another shot in addition to to it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This is to boost my red blood cells as well. I once again forgot to ask my wbc test results and the name of the new shot so I have called back to ask if they could let me know.

I am absolutely miserable. Lots of pain, can't sleep, feel horrible and I am trying to spend time with my kids, get myself to the hospital each day and put in a few hours at work. Work has said that I can take as much time as I need, BUT we are already taking a huge cut in income for the time I am losing and there is so much to do as it is the end of the month it is easier to do myself than try to explain to someone else. Which would be extra excruciating given the horrible sore throat and canker sores. So, I drag myself up to the hospital, get the shot and/or blood test and now second shot, go to work-where my kids are, get a few hours in and we all go home where I take some more drugs and promptly crash. Until the mouth pain wakes me up again.

Eating hurts, I am having to make myself eat, at least I am on vitamins, but good gracious my diet is not as healthy as I'd like. It just hurts too much. I'm doing much better with hydration, since my ER trip I am mainly on water and some tea, and that has stayed the same, except in the more horrific stages of cankerpalooza when I couldn't bring myself to swallow unless I absolutely had to.

There are times I want to call and beg them to give some painkillers, something to knock me out, and shockingly times I've even thought I might be better off in the hospital. But, then I wouldn't get the snuggle time I do get with my kids and it would cost a bajillion dollars more and obviously my doctor thinks I am doing okay at home.

My husband has hit the end of his rope, stress wise, and I understand. I alternate between wanting him to just hold me and wanting to let him vent because I know it has to be hard to take on the role of EVERYTHING in the house, with only a few breaks here and there on top of a full time job and to see your spouse sick and hurting.

Rough times, rough times. I'm struggling, near tears too easily most of the time-more than my usual sappiness and really just wanting this to be over. It seems like just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. Although the optimist would reverse that and say that just when I think I have handled as much as I possibly can, I get an opportunity to handle something even more imposing. I am having a hard time dealing with my optimistic side. Pretty much squashed at the moment.

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