Wednesday, December 03, 2008

One of the worst days in awhile

As far as mobility is concerned. The joint pain/locking up I've been having seems to have moved into my back, as of yesterday. I was having some trouble but was able to get more rest and only worked about four hours until I came home and collapsed on the couch.

Today I woke with nausea and dizziness again. Got the kids off to school and laid down and eventually made some muffins. I went in a little after eleven. Just taking a shower, getting dressed, and into the car had me sweating and weak and breathing as if I'd run a marathon. (I so wish I could run again but I am not sure I ever will.)

I worked through the day, trying to limit my activity as I knew it would be a long one with Advent services starting tonight. I was determined to make it to the service-and through it.

My slow awkward walking soon became an Ozzy like slightly bent over shuffle. I prayed, did a devotional from the chronic pain/illness site I'd found and prayed some more. Worked more. Had a meeting at two and realized I was once again having trouble getting the right words to come out and hold a thread of conversation. Thankfully this only lasted an hour or so. I was also having trouble making my body work as it should, hands weren't cooperating but it wasn't too bad.

I have to admit, usually when I am like this I go home to rest and hide. I don't like being this way in front of other people. I'm uncomfortable with their reactions and of appearing so off. I know everyone is concerned and caring and means well, but it is even more difficult for me to reassure them when I am going through that and having all the pain I've been in. I very much wanted to make it to the Advent Service, I really, really wanted to be there and was determined to get through it. I worked up the energy and tried to throw off the nervousness and shuffled on out for the meal before the service. I made it through.

Until the tremors started and I quickly realized this was turning into one of the jerky/shaky episodes. If I could've hurried I would have to hide. Basically my body and limbs will just twitch and jerk and shake and I have little to no control over it. It's also pretty painful when I am hurting like I am. Plus it looks very freaky and scares people and I just want to hide and be away from everyone when it happens. I made it to my office and wham off we went. I ended up crying in the middle from frustration and pain. Eventually a friend and my husband came in to check on me and I decided to go home. After the jerk episodes everything clenches up and I often have a harder time moving my body, especially my left side. I ended up shuffling out very slowly to the door which I could not open. My husband needed to open it, then help me into the car because I couldn't lift my legs to step up. I then needed help into my house.

I lost it at the door of the church. This is so frustrating and humiliating. I'm trying to handle it with strength and grace, but at 33 I should be able to make it through a day of work and a church service. I shouldn't be walking like an arthritic elderly person and need the door opened for me and be helped into the car and the house.

I see my doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he'll get me straightened out and the side effects aren't too bad.

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