Sunday, November 11, 2007

So there I go.

Today I woke up late, I'd worked a long day yesterday and par for the course was completely wiped out today. I drug myself up and spent much of the afternoon attempting to just get going, feel better, be okay, feel okay. Aleve, water, meds, stretching, coffee ZIP ZERO NADA! Unfortunately I needed to go back into work to finish some things that had to be done.

At this point my husband attempts to give me advice, a pep talk. He means well and I should not expect him to understand how absolutely frustrated and fed up I am with my limitations or how hard it is to just get through the day some days. He says I need to do little things to push myself. But he doesn't realize there are days where even the littlest things ARE pushing myself. We proceed to have one of those talk/argument/whatever sort of things where I cry because I am an emotional ninny, well not really a ninny, but I HATE the fact that I cry like I do, and he doesn't get the fact that I am a crier type of person and that I do not do this on purpose and can't control it or I wouldn't be crying in the first place. So, after a tiny bit of heated words (mainly from me) and talking and him not getting what I am saying and me getting what he is saying but not wanting to hear it we sort of each get our points across but I am still left with my situation and the fact that I have this illness which I have to deal with in all its varied and fun ways. I have spent the end of this conversation explaining to him that I push myself every single day and that some days brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom, walking around the house can be really exhausting and difficult and painful tasks. The good days those are easier but then getting through normal stuff, like work, laundry, etc. are tiring and often painful as well. Now, I am saying much of this for the first time out loud and of course crying and feeling angry, frustrated, and sad even more than I was before.

I have tried to not give in to self-pity, but this gets very difficult when taking a shower leaves me breathing heavy and exhausted and I still need to actually go do what I took the shower for in the first place.

I had promised the kids they could come to work with me, although they do end up being at work with me after school each day as their afterschool care and my job are in the same place, but I really wanted to follow through for them so they were coming. We FINALLY get out the door and off to work, where on the way we are stuck waiting for a long train. Eventually we get there and I'll spare you the details, suffice it to say that so many things went wrong or nuts or haywire it was just unreal. My frustration point was reached very quickly, things were even MORE difficult than usual and I had had ENOUGH.

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. This is enough. I've had enough. I'm done. I don't want this anymore. Bemoaning the bad, tired of everything being this fight, this effort, these normal activities becoming so ridiculously difficult. And then tonight all these even smaller things becoming difficult and I went okay. Okay God, I know I am stubborn. I know! But I get it. Thanks for the reminder.

Now if you are a non God person you are probably sighing or ready to stop reading, or all of those things even God people will do when normal things go a little God-talky. I was not a big talker of my faith. I do not like to push my faith on people, I don't feel the need to make other people believe like me (even if I would love for them to do so) I respect the fact that people have different beliefs, or non-beliefs. In the same way I want to be respected, I respect others. My writing this is not an attempt to bring you over to my Lutheran church and baptize you. This is just me, what I believe, and what I thought today. [/End disclaimer]

Life is rough, I have a lot of struggles right now, but there are always struggles. Some are small, like my stapler jamming up, and some are large, like my hands not working or my kidneys shutting down, but they are all struggles. And at this point I want to be glad I have those struggles because the alternative for me is to be dead. So bring on the struggles. And God help me to be at peace with my life and help me get through the rough times even if I need to vent or bitch about them. Get me through them and remind me of the good stuff and what I'd be missing if I weren't here to struggle through this.

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