Saturday, November 11, 2006

Life without drugs

So I'm coming off of my Cymbalta. This is both good and then terrifying. Will I be able to maintain without it? Are the current freakish moods and overreactions a by-product of coming down off the meds, or am I still like this? Should I really do this? Why do I feel the need to find out if maybe all the hard work in the mental department the last few years has worked enough that I can exist without the drug? Why can't I just be okay with having to be on a medication in the first place?

Being nuts has this way of undermining your own understanding of yourself. Tends to make you over-think everything, questioning whether what you are thinking/feeling/doing is "normal" or a crazy person warning sign. Am I just getting back to normal, or should I throw in the towel and gulp down the meds and stop tempting fate?

I am terrified of getting mired down in all the mental crap and not realizing how far down I'm going and having to put myself and my children and my husband through another bout of get your ass into the therapist you crazy woman. I always struggle with myself, wanting to just be "normal and okay" and having to prove I can verses taking the drugs and just living that way without having to find out or prove anything or struggle with needing them to just be okay.

So, the past couple weeks have been rough in that way, but not as bad as I anticipated and I'm determined to try this without medication and please God just let me be NORMAL.

This past week was a big test, as evidenced by the freak out post last night, but I'm making it and I haven't had a huge emotional reaction, no yelling or hollering, no loss of control, none of the stuff that I don't have the courage to type about here. I guess we'll see how it goes.

The eye is not as bad today, but it hurts like a bitch at times, especially in sunlight. I'd like to avoid having to be out, but we've got errands to run so that's how it goes. And holy cow have you seen that ginormous storm on Saturn? 350 mile per hour winds, insane.

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