Friday, May 27, 2011

My brain

My memory is off. Others like to say it's normal; that everyone has some memory loss as they age, have children, have stress; but for me it's more.

Today I went to light a candle and instead tried to light my mug of coffee. Not in an offhand picking it up without looking at it way; I actually was paying attention and picked up the mug of coffee and then tried for a bit to light it. Usually when I have these kinds of moments I'll get a feeling that's something's not right and try to figure it out. I looked again and after a second or two realized I was in fact trying to light a mug of coffee instead of the candle.

There's something about all of these memory issues that is just really off and I know it. I don't always realize right away what specifically is wrong, but I get a sense that there is something definitely not right and I have to work to figure it out. I now understand the confused or blank look I've seen older people get. It's because you know you are doing something off but you're just not sure of what it is. Or you know that you know something but you can't access it.

So far today I have forgotten I was folding laundry, tried to light my coffee like a candle, and forgot to return a phone call. All in all, not a bad day. I have lists all over, reminders, and sometimes I wonder how I'll be in a few years if I'm already like this at 35. I wonder if this is permanent or if it could get better with some kind of treatment.

I've always been a little scatterbrained,  I used to joke that I'd read so many books that my mind couldn't keep up. Now I read books to keep my mind working. I play games on my phone and the computer and can tell by my scores what kind of brain day I'm having. The tough days are when I can't understand what I'm doing, can't process what I am reading or watching. I crochet and knit but some days I have trouble remembering how. 

Now that I am finding more balance and getting more rest I see that I have less of the really bad days. I have more of a sense of my limits and can mostly stay out of that endless cycle where I burn myself out and then have to rest for days to catch back up. I'm finding my new normal and it's helping. I have more peace about my situation, I'm not as scared or sad or frustrated. I still have those times, but not as much. I feel sometimes like God has given me permission to slow down, to simplify. God knew I needed a change, that I needed to accomodate my health better and he gave me that change through friends, family, and others. It doesn't always seem that way at first, but when i continued to talk to God, to seek Him in my struggles (mostly!), I found peace and comfort. I found it through the words of the Bible, through that voice in my heart, and through loved ones and strangers. I can only hope and trust that God is taking care of me, of us, as He has promised to do.

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