No more neoprogen!

As of yesterday I no longer have to get the neuprogen shots, WOOHOO!!! These were the more painful of the two. I am really hoping that all of my levels are up enough that I also will no longer need the epogen shots, but I won't find out until tomorrow.

It really looks like I am in remission and I cannot describe in words how great this feels. Incredible. I am waking up in the mornings with real energy, and making it through the days without having to nap. I do need a little downtime still, but I don't have that bone-tired exhaustion and it is amazing. I taught Sunday School today, went to church, out to lunch, have been able to clean my house and do laundry, I'm playing with my kids and still (mostly) have enough left to form sentences!

I did have a few reminders of the neuro failings today, when spelling the name Kia today at Sunday School I actually said Key-I-A. Key? Really?

I am so happy, so relieved, and so happy to be in this place. Just to be able to do normal daily activities is so nice and its a little funny to be happy about things like laundry, but it's so worth it.

She's baaack!

The title is what my husband said earlier tonight, as I was getting after the kids for fighting. Followed by "It is so good to not be the only one hollering at them!" LOL the things we celebrate. Yes, I am hollering at my kids again. Well, more like loud whispering as I still don't have much of a voice, but I woke up today and I swear I can actually feel my body healing. Incredible.

The bone pain is wicked, but my mouth is no longer swollen and the pain there is minimal. Especially compared to what it was a day or two ago. My throat is not as sore, and I am able to talk, although it can be hard to hear me. I have some holes in my tongue, a massive one on the side, from the canker sores and still soreness as they are healing, but they are HEALING.

I had a bit more energy today. Not a lot, but it's there and that's what counts. I had an appetite today! I haven't cared about food for DAYS, which for me is shocking. Now I just need to get my mouth healed so I can EAT! Still doing soft foods and soups, nothing spicy or that will aggravate the canker sores, but I'm miles better than I was a few days ago.

I had a blood draw today, hopefully I will get the results when I go in for my shots tomorrow, and I know progress is being made, I can FEEL it.

Incredible. So far no signs of vasculitis returning, I am starting to get my hopes up for remission. I can hardly imagine how I will be with energy. And I should get to keep my hair this round. ;)

Two shots today, very tired

I went and had my two shots. The epogen doesn't burn as much as the neuprogen, so that's good. I treated myself to some matzo ball soup from a great place near the hospital. Soup is my main food right now, as it requires no chewing, although I did have scrambled eggs and toast last night.

I wasn't able to sleep much at all last night or today and am exhausted. Not seeing a lot in the way of side effects, diarrhea and the bones aching is it for now. Opted out of going into work, hopefully tomorrow will be better, especially if the red blood and white blood cells start partying. My bones were really hurting today and I was tempted to call and beg for some sort of pain meds, especially after being awake last night from all the different pains, but I didn't. I'm not sure why exactly. I would be perfectly justified in asking for something, but I hesitate to ask.

My left arm still hurts from the neuprogen yesterday and my right is aching from the two shots today and I would dearly love to sleep for hours, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I do have a better perspective today and I know that when my immune system is restored and we can see for sure the vasculitis is in remission I will definitely be celebrating. Maybe that nice dinner the nurse suggested. I am trying to focus on the positive side of all this, that the vasculitis could be in remission and only six months after my ER visit. I keep warning everyone to watch out, if I am in remission and get my energy back they are all in trouble. It's weird to imagine what I will be like WITH energy though, it's been so long since I've had very much of it.

Please Sir, May I have another?

The one shot of neuprogen everyday is not cutting it. This news did not surprise me considering how awful I feel. They are now going to give me another shot in addition to to it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This is to boost my red blood cells as well. I once again forgot to ask my wbc test results and the name of the new shot so I have called back to ask if they could let me know.

I am absolutely miserable. Lots of pain, can't sleep, feel horrible and I am trying to spend time with my kids, get myself to the hospital each day and put in a few hours at work. Work has said that I can take as much time as I need, BUT we are already taking a huge cut in income for the time I am losing and there is so much to do as it is the end of the month it is easier to do myself than try to explain to someone else. Which would be extra excruciating given the horrible sore throat and canker sores. So, I drag myself up to the hospital, get the shot and/or blood test and now second shot, go to work-where my kids are, get a few hours in and we all go home where I take some more drugs and promptly crash. Until the mouth pain wakes me up again.

Eating hurts, I am having to make myself eat, at least I am on vitamins, but good gracious my diet is not as healthy as I'd like. It just hurts too much. I'm doing much better with hydration, since my ER trip I am mainly on water and some tea, and that has stayed the same, except in the more horrific stages of cankerpalooza when I couldn't bring myself to swallow unless I absolutely had to.

There are times I want to call and beg them to give some painkillers, something to knock me out, and shockingly times I've even thought I might be better off in the hospital. But, then I wouldn't get the snuggle time I do get with my kids and it would cost a bajillion dollars more and obviously my doctor thinks I am doing okay at home.

My husband has hit the end of his rope, stress wise, and I understand. I alternate between wanting him to just hold me and wanting to let him vent because I know it has to be hard to take on the role of EVERYTHING in the house, with only a few breaks here and there on top of a full time job and to see your spouse sick and hurting.

Rough times, rough times. I'm struggling, near tears too easily most of the time-more than my usual sappiness and really just wanting this to be over. It seems like just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. Although the optimist would reverse that and say that just when I think I have handled as much as I possibly can, I get an opportunity to handle something even more imposing. I am having a hard time dealing with my optimistic side. Pretty much squashed at the moment.

Optimism is wavering

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but it seems farther and farther away. I now have a cold on top of all this, and as I have no immune system yet this is not good. I already have a hard time doing things with the infections in my mouth, it's like it saps any energy I have to fight that and now a cold and sore throat. The pain in my mouth wakes me up during the night, I cannot wait to have a full night's sleep.

The shots are still no fun, I go for daily visits to the hospital and every other day have my blood drawn and then get the shot. I always need a bandaid because my blood doesn't clot very well. Kind of interesting to see those little things.

It's hard to be told something so huge, like going off the cyclophosphamide, and be so excited to be healthy only to learn that the road to get there is a rough one. I just want to be better.

I'd love to see the white blood count come back higher today, but I'm doubting that with the onset of this cold. I guess we'll see.

Soooo, here is an update and potential good news!

It's been a crazy week and a half for me, whew. One of my sisters bought me a plane ticket to CA to visit her and my other sister and her family and our grandparents. My brother was also out there. I was blown away and it was so good to see them all. My sisters had last seen me in the hospital and right after, I was in pretty rough shape. Since then I have lost almost 40 lbs, I still have my struggles, but I look a lot better.

They were shocked. We surpised my grandparents, we went over for Sunday dinner, they were expecting my brother, I waited outside for them to all get in and then knocked on the door, my grandma opened it, couldn't make a sound she was so surprised and then started screaming My grandpa was sitting there with his mouth open. It was the best, really hilarious and fun.

My little nephew man is growing up, he is 2 and talking in fantastic sentences. We did quite of bit of playing together, and he can now ride his tricycle! I had so much fun out in the warm, beautiful weather seeing all of my family.

Then things got tough. I take it much easier these days than in the past, I have to as I've learned, and this trip was pretty darn relaxing. I had felt a canker sore or two coming on, this turned into 7 canker sores at once, and moved into my gums. Kablaam! I spent the last two days of the trip down for the count, in excruciating pain surviving with ibuprofen, orajel/anbesol, ice packs, and swishing with peroxide. I had an appt already with my doctor, went in and he said "That looks very painful, and very bad." and promptly fixed me up with some great medications for it all. AND he said that he thought this and my recent vomiting episodes could be due to the fact that my vasculitis is under control and now my immune system is being too suppressed. So, Thursday was last day on the cyclophosphamide. I wasn't excpecting this for at least another 6 months. I also found out my white blood cell count was very, very low, so I have to go for shots in the arm to boost that, as well as blood tests every other day.

Finally today I was able to up and actually do things. It has been really, really rough and I've been in and continue to be in a lot of pain, but I keep trying to think that this could be the beginning of me coming off all these meds and potentially living a "normal" life for awhile. So long as the vasculities doesn't come back or flare up.

I know this is incredibly long, but I needed to get on here and post, between as sick as I was, then trying to get everything done, then the trip, and the new sickness I haven't had time for ANYTHING. I am making myself be up and out with my family tonight because I have hated not even being able to talk to them-although that isn't a whole lot easier yet lol. Soon, soon.

Thank God for the bright side.

So cold.

Cold, cold, cold. It is just plain cold. Not wilds of Canada or Alaska cold, but still below zero freezing cold. Bleh. Need to go into work and have no motivation to go out into the cold. Don't want to warm up the car, put on coat, hats, and gloves, try not to fall on my ass on the icy sidewalk. I want none of it. I want comfy jammies, warm blanket, staying at home.

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The best christmas card ever

This is my grandma. We found this picture when we were planning her 80th birthday party this last September. My sister and I had it blown up especially for the party.

My mom took it further. She made it into a Christmas card and on the back she wrote Bah Humbug. Is it not the epitomy of how every woman feels on a super busy holiday?

My grandma shared with us that this picture was taken by my grandpa-supposedly of the tree, which is what we're sure he told her but really wanted to get a picture of her because he was a very funny man. They had both sets of parents visiting, and other family showed up on their doorstep, along with some friends. She said a neighbor was out of town and offered up her house for family to stay in. My grandma had four children, and along with the normal holiday craziness a house full to the brim with visitors. No wonder she was exhausted.

What's that I hear?

Is that the oh so quiet and soft sound of freshly washed blankets being tumbled around in glorious heat in my brand, spanking, new dryer?

Why YES, YES IT IS!

Ahhhhhhhhh. Sigggghhhh.

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Almost blew a gasket

Today a message was left on my answering machine stating the dryer was STILL not in and might not be delivered tomorrow. Folks, I was not happy. Let me preface this by saying that I think today we expect too many things in such a fast time frame because of the availability and immediacy of just about everything and I was more than happy to wait a reasonable amount of time for my new dryer to be delivered. Even after waiting and hearing the people in front of me be told their new dryer would be delivered the very next day. But, mine wasn't in stock in the store. I understood. I was surprised it would be there on Thursday given it wasn't in stock but was assured it would be. Then it wasn't.

The message today almost sent me over the edge. I am normally a reasonable person, but some things will set me off. Air-drying laundry for six people in the winter in the midwest for three weeks is one of those things. As I stood last night hanging and smoothing numerous small people shirts, socks, pants, and underwear and laying them across the drying rack in the best way to dry them as quickly as possible, I thought to myself "This should be the last time I have to do this for a good long while." It made the chore a tad more bearable.

Until the message today.

Instead of calling back right away, I decided to wait. There was still a possibility it could come in on a later shipment today. It would also be good to wait until I was more able to stay calm, especially since the poor guy leaving the message sounded like he was worried about the return call and really had tried all he could.

Thank goodness when I did call back that the dryer had come in! They will be able to deliver it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will either post in giddy happiness after using my brand, spanking, new dryer or be carted off to the nuthouse in a straitjacket mumbling about scratchy towels and impossible wrinkles and that farking drying rack.

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We have Caucus!

Tonight was the Iowa Caucus and the whole Blue family was there. Originally I wasn't sure about bringing the kids, but the husband was there and said others had brought so the kids and I headed over. As both Mr. Blue and I get into politics and they've seen us campaign in elections past they've heard bits and pieces about the caucus and candidates.

Apparently at the 2004 caucus for my city there were roughly 40 people total. Tonight there were over 300. About 80 of those were part of the county precinct, we were in the city precinct.

This was the first caucus my husband or I have been a part of it and it was pretty cool. There was much standing around and some boredom, but overall an interesting experience and good to get out there and represent ourselves. The kids were great, only a slight teeny tiny bit of whine or unrest and none of it was bothersome to anyone, which is a small miracle considering we were there for almost a few hours. They were able to be with us through the whole thing. It's pretty neat to have them learning these things and experiencing them at such young ages.

Both my husband and I were for Obama, unfortunately Hilary took my city. Obama came in second and Edwards was third. I was very happy to see Obama taking the state when we got home and saw the news.

There were two rounds of counts, the first where everyone went to their preferred candidate's area or to the undecided area. In our city with the turnout each candidate needed at least 31 votes to be considered viable. Biden, Kucinich, Dodd, and Gravel were out after the first round. At this point each side tries to get these votes to come over to the remaining three viable candidates. There were two undecided holdouts who ended up not choosing a candidate. I thought this was strange, but maybe there were hoping to be swayed and weren't or were just there to see how it works.

One of the common topics was that we were voting by choice this year and not by the lesser of evils, or the better of two but not optimum. There were ton of people who had never caucused before, from the young, to the old and it was really great to see so many invested in this. It was also really interesting to see how different people talked about or campaigned for their candidate either by being very vocal or quietly giving opinions, with facts or emotions. It was also a lot of fun to see the attempts to bring people over to each side and the hollering and cheering (which we were fully a part of) when someone was won over.

All in all a great experience and the kids really picked up on more and were more interested than I would've imagined. Although the five year old with his short attention span was really only excited about the cookies and the Biden sign he was convinced was an Obama sign that he brought home.

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Obligatory New Year's Post

Surprisingly we ended up going out for New Year's and celebrating with some friends of ours at one of their houses. Kid-friendly, lots of food, and some imbibing-I had a bit of champagne at midnight-and games. The kids had fun and we played a game called Loaded Questions. My mom had given it to us for Christmas and it turned out to be really a lot of fun.

From my earlier post you know that we had been fairly lame in our New Year's celebration planning and I haven't been feeling well, so we were going to stay low-key. Instead we were invited out and went and ended up having a really good time and brought the New Year in with a bang. I tend to be a homebody, but it was good to get out and be with others.

The kids go back to school tomorrow, they are excited to see their friends but not to have to get up early in the morning and out into the cold right away.

My new dryer was SUPPOSED to be delivered in the morning, instead we had a message saying it was not in stock and will not be delivered until TUESDAY, but if they get it in earlier they will call. I was not happy about this at all as I have not had a working dryer for a few weeks now and air-dryed towels in a dry winter house are very scratchy. Plus the kids go back to school and will need regularly washed clothes as they can't wear shorts and pajamas out of the house in the freezing cold Iowa weather. And there are SIX of us in this house and that is a lot of laundry. I am suspicious that the person who sold it to me knew it might not be here in time to be delivered tomorrow by the time it took him to look it up on the computer system, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt when I call tomorrow.

The good side is that I did not have to hurry to finish cleaning the laundry room out tonight. Work is crazy busy right now, but there is a lot of good things happening. We're hitting the big time as the computers are getting updated, networks set up correctly, and my office is being spruced up to be painted and reorganized. At the moment it is bare and sanded and things are piled in various other rooms and I'm working from all sorts of places but I'll take it as things are getting DONE! I'm also told I might be getting a new graphics type publishing program, probably nothing fancy but it'll be much nicer than creating everything in Word. GAH.

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Oh my goodness I am on a podcast!

I was a guest on It's Not Us, It's You! and the episode is finally out. Number 26. I am listening to it as I type and so far I think my voice is very ghey and I laugh a lot and talk a lot. I am also typing this on the newly downloaded Scribefire, so we'll see how that goes. I tried to add the INUIY link but I do not see it and have no idea where it went. So, this is what you get.

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My link did not show so here you go: INUIY

Not only are my husband and I getting old...

we are also big dorks. It started with my husband saying "You know, it's New Year's Eve tomorrow and we have no plans. How lame is that?" I agree, but I cut us a little slack for a few reasons. We have four children and things have been crazy and busy and we've been sick so it's been nice just being home. Also, New Year's Eve is also one of my sisters' birthdays and we usually spend it with her and our family. This is one of the few years we will not be celebrating with her as they stayed in California for the holidays this year. I have to admit I've been a little sad about that and really haven't made an effort to plan anything.

Also, we are getting older. We are not OLD people yet, but already in our early thirties we can't hang like we used to. Gone are the days of working, athleticism, and partying till the wee hours. I'm sure much of the tiredness can be attributed to my illness and how it affects both of us, along with working and having four children but it is still funny to realize how boring we've become.

That being said, here is a sad, sad story to show our lame dorky oldness. The boys got these really cool robots for Christmas and when each of us saw them on Christmas day we had the same reaction, we couldn't wait to chase the cats with them. We'd forgotten this until tonight when the husband said "Hey we haven't gotten the cats with those robots yet!" and both of us got up out of our chairs in excitement to do so. Sadly, we are so lame that the cat we tried it on wouldn't play. She merely glared at us with disdain.

Sigh.

what? pictures?!?

YES! I have a brand spanking new digital camera and I am very excited about it. These are pictures of the hats I am working on and the blanket I'm making for my sister. :)

GAH GRRR ARRGH!

I am officially sick with a cold, which is no good when you have no immune system. I am becoming very, very growly and I do not want to have any obligations, but as I have a family and a job and it is almost Christmas obligations abound. I will need to call for another antibiotic to hopefully fix this latest illness.

And, my dryer has stopped working. Upon searching the internets I have diagnosed it as a dryer door switch problem. According to the fix it sites this is a fairly simple repair. According to my history and handy chick learning it will not be at all simple. It will be something I would start and then totally jack up and get frustrated with. Why is my husband not handier? He is on the bad list at the moment because I found that he has taken ALL of the tools from MY toolbox and put them somewhere that is NOT my toolbox and I cannot even find a screwdriver at the moment. The power drill is dead and the battery charger is MIA. I am highly irritated by all of this and it is not at all good to not have a working dryer with four children in the house.

My son is hilarious.

The Sunday School Christmas Program went very well, the kids were all very cute and did a great job. My older three had speaking parts, and for the older son this was the first Sunday School program he actually participated in. He is now 7 and has ADAMANTLY refused in years past. This year he VOLUNTEERED for a speaking part and did it very well. I was shocked and very, very proud. The girls had a speaking part each and one together, which was really adorable. Also funny was Arenne nudging Abbie over over to the correct spot. The nudging was really close to a shove and got some laughter from the audience.

My Sunday School class was very cute and adorable and did really well. My youngest was one of the loud singing microphone lovers and even threw his hands up in a ta-daa fashion at the end.

Still, the funniest moment was while we were sitting and watching and Colin, who was wearing black pants, black vest, white button up shirt, and tie, turned to the kid next to him and said quietly, "Do I look like a waitress?"

Venus & Box

are some seriously crafty girls, and have my favorite podcast ever, It's Not Us, It's You. They had a salt dough ornament smackdown and the results were great. I give them both mad props as our salt dough ghosts were more like salt dough blobs.

I love them both, and was not looking forward to having to choose one of them as the winner, until I saw the Bear Jesus ornament. It was over. Venus did a nice job on the boobs of her chickie though.

Go here to see their entries and vote. And check out the podcast if you haven't already!

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

We're putting up the christmas tree tonight, finally! I'd also like to get some lights up on the house, except the husband is opposed to them. Scrooge. I think the kids may just be excited enough to get him to do it though.

The cold is biting and I'm over the ice, but the snow is really pretty. The youngest threw himself down in it right off to make a snow angel and soon learned the lesson of only doing that when wearing snowpants with your coat. I've also decided that whoever steals the socks also takes the gloves and hats. No matter how many I buy we end up with only a few mismatched pairs when it's time to leave the house. I've tried lots of tricks, including a bin that the kids can just throw them into right by the door, but nothing works. Maybe I should just duct tape them right onto the coats.

So the Christmas tree trimming is tonight and tomorrow is the kids program at Sunday School. I teach the preschool/kindergarten group, who are singing the old standard Away In a Manger, complete with motions. It's cute, as small people usually are.

Today I need to go in and do a bunch of work I wasn't able to get done this week, all things needing done by tomorrow for church. Should be pretty exciting and hopefully there won't be too many snags. Hopefully.

This blog is really boring, and I so need to get some pics up, at least if I get a post up it helps, right? RIGHT?!?

Ice, Snow, and Cold Oh My!

In the past week we've gotten more of the ice and snow and our temps have dropped quite a bit. Still, we've dodged much of what was predicted, yesterday they were saying anywhere from 3 to 11 inches depending on how it hit us, and I think we ended up with about 4 inches? Not too bad.

The kids have been loving it, I love it until I have to shovel or scrape/sweep it off of my car. It is pretty though.

I haven't done ANY knitting or crocheting this past week, I haven't been feeling all that well and have been pretty exhausted by work. I am reading more though. Currently I'm reading the Harry Bosch books by Michael Connelly, except I haven't figured out exactly what order they should be in and that's kind of driving me nuts. I bought a bunch of them with a gift card my sister gave me for my birthday, I love having books just waiting to be read.

I'm feeling pretty lame and boring right now, and nothing exciting is really happening. Maybe when we get the Christmas tree up I'll have some fun cat/tree stories.

Ice and Snow

are on their way. Looks like we will be getting our first big winter blast this year. The snow would be fine, except there is supposed to be freezing rain with it, so basically it will be awful trying to drive on and go anywhere. I'm hoping to get everything done at work today so I can hole up in the house with the kids tomorrow. Yarn, here I come!

See My New Header?

Isn't it great?!??! As if Sharnee of suckmylolly were not cool enough with her awesome free blogger templates, she offered to customize my header. This girl rocks. She even gave me a choice of fonts, how cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, thank you Sharnee, I love it!

If you haven't been to Suck My Lolly yet, you NEED to go. Sharnee rocks.

ow ow ow ow ow!

So I've been crocheting away, wheeeeeeee. Really enjoying myself. And then last night while at work I dropped something really heavy. On the first two fingers of my right hand. It hurt a whole lot and still does. My knuckles are both swollen.

Crocheting is not as fun and I keep having to take breaks. Sigh.

Like My New Look?

Isn't it great? The fabulous Box of Rain linked to this really great fabulous awesome free template site called Suck My Lolly. I am totally in love with her designs, she rocks!!!!

I'm still getting used to the smaller font size and it took me way too long to realize that the header is a graphic when I was trying to change *Insert Witty Blog Title Here* to Blue Crochet. Oh my. Hey, my html knowledge is rudimentary to begin with and it's been awhile-obviously for those of you reading my blog-since I've done anything with it.

Totally lazy day

except for some laundry and changing the cat litter. While not fun, that was all I did today. YAY!

Originally I was going to go into work, but I ended up being completely wiped out from all the fun of Thanksgiving yesterday so I decided to wait and rest today and go into work tomorrow. I'm glad I did, I am feeling much better and will hopefully have more energy tomorrow.

As I type, my 5 year old is curled up next to me rubbing his head on my arm because he is now a cat. If I want him to actually answer me I have to call him little boy, or he will just meow back. He is a pretty convincing kitty, he even lifts his leg to lick his knee like the cats clean their legs. This kid is too much sometimes, lol.

Thanksgiving day was really great, I loved it and we spent a lot of time with family and had a lot of fun, along with all of the VERY good food. Except I only had one roll, instead my usual 4-6 and I didn't get to eat any pie, because of my new diet. I also was very tired throughout the day, but not in as much pain as I have been so all in all a good day, healthwise.

(I had to make the kitty go lie down because he was becoming "Berocious" which means ferocious.)

I am also actually really crocheting again HOORAY! And knitting! I am crocheting some caps for a bunch of kids, I have 7 and probably a few extra to make, I have two done so far (aside from weaving in the ends.) I'm knitting a bag for myself which I'll felt and can take my time with. Little by little I am getting back into my yarn. It's no fun when you lose the yarn drive.

I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving, or a great Thursday for those not in the U.S.

So there I go.

Today I woke up late, I'd worked a long day yesterday and par for the course was completely wiped out today. I drug myself up and spent much of the afternoon attempting to just get going, feel better, be okay, feel okay. Aleve, water, meds, stretching, coffee ZIP ZERO NADA! Unfortunately I needed to go back into work to finish some things that had to be done.

At this point my husband attempts to give me advice, a pep talk. He means well and I should not expect him to understand how absolutely frustrated and fed up I am with my limitations or how hard it is to just get through the day some days. He says I need to do little things to push myself. But he doesn't realize there are days where even the littlest things ARE pushing myself. We proceed to have one of those talk/argument/whatever sort of things where I cry because I am an emotional ninny, well not really a ninny, but I HATE the fact that I cry like I do, and he doesn't get the fact that I am a crier type of person and that I do not do this on purpose and can't control it or I wouldn't be crying in the first place. So, after a tiny bit of heated words (mainly from me) and talking and him not getting what I am saying and me getting what he is saying but not wanting to hear it we sort of each get our points across but I am still left with my situation and the fact that I have this illness which I have to deal with in all its varied and fun ways. I have spent the end of this conversation explaining to him that I push myself every single day and that some days brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom, walking around the house can be really exhausting and difficult and painful tasks. The good days those are easier but then getting through normal stuff, like work, laundry, etc. are tiring and often painful as well. Now, I am saying much of this for the first time out loud and of course crying and feeling angry, frustrated, and sad even more than I was before.

I have tried to not give in to self-pity, but this gets very difficult when taking a shower leaves me breathing heavy and exhausted and I still need to actually go do what I took the shower for in the first place.

I had promised the kids they could come to work with me, although they do end up being at work with me after school each day as their afterschool care and my job are in the same place, but I really wanted to follow through for them so they were coming. We FINALLY get out the door and off to work, where on the way we are stuck waiting for a long train. Eventually we get there and I'll spare you the details, suffice it to say that so many things went wrong or nuts or haywire it was just unreal. My frustration point was reached very quickly, things were even MORE difficult than usual and I had had ENOUGH.

I've found myself saying that a lot lately. This is enough. I've had enough. I'm done. I don't want this anymore. Bemoaning the bad, tired of everything being this fight, this effort, these normal activities becoming so ridiculously difficult. And then tonight all these even smaller things becoming difficult and I went okay. Okay God, I know I am stubborn. I know! But I get it. Thanks for the reminder.

Now if you are a non God person you are probably sighing or ready to stop reading, or all of those things even God people will do when normal things go a little God-talky. I was not a big talker of my faith. I do not like to push my faith on people, I don't feel the need to make other people believe like me (even if I would love for them to do so) I respect the fact that people have different beliefs, or non-beliefs. In the same way I want to be respected, I respect others. My writing this is not an attempt to bring you over to my Lutheran church and baptize you. This is just me, what I believe, and what I thought today. [/End disclaimer]

Life is rough, I have a lot of struggles right now, but there are always struggles. Some are small, like my stapler jamming up, and some are large, like my hands not working or my kidneys shutting down, but they are all struggles. And at this point I want to be glad I have those struggles because the alternative for me is to be dead. So bring on the struggles. And God help me to be at peace with my life and help me get through the rough times even if I need to vent or bitch about them. Get me through them and remind me of the good stuff and what I'd be missing if I weren't here to struggle through this.

Which podcast am I?

You're The Mep Report!

Hilarious but random, you captivate all of those who spend
time with you. While you think a fair bit of yourself, others seem to think
even more of you, though you personally find this baffling. Flightless birds
play a major role in your life, though no one can really figure out why. You
manage to pull everything together in the end despite your penchant for
discussing literally everything at once. You honestly believe you can save
the world with Tonka trucks.


Take the Podcast Quiz.

Coincidentally, the ostrich picture is one I used as an av for quite awhile. Who knew?

BlueKids!

Here they are, on the end of the first day of school. It was still raining, hence the picture quality.

The Absent Blogger returns...again

Here I am again, you'd have thought with all the time I've had to spend resting I should've been able to post a blog entry or too, but noooooo. Truthfully I could have taken the time, but my early days home were spent mostly sleeping or being with my family. One of my sisters also stayed for a month and helped me get my house in shape, and I got to spend lots of time with my little nephew man, who is growing bigger very quickly.

I did do some yarny things, made baby hats, started a bag for myself, and worked on some projects that have been and continue to be sorely neglected. I just can't seem to get back into the groove, it doesn't help that my hands have not wanted to work properly and are swollen a lot, but still! I miss working with my yarn. A ton. For my birthday I received a gift card for Hobby Lobby, ostensibly for pictures for my office, but I'm hoping to squeeze in a few skeins to make caps with. Those are always fun, easy, and useful.

I've got to get some pictures up to make this more colorful, it's sad how long it's been since I've posted any. I have one of the kids with my grandma and nephew I will try to get up here later, along with a first day of school pic that was actually taken at the end of the day because of a HUGE thunderstorm we had that morning. It's a hilarious pic of my four kids, I love it. They are all growing up so fast, my baby is now 5 and quickly losing any of those baby reminders, like his chubby little hands. My older son is 7 and very much a boy, complete with skinny legs and knobby knees. My daughters are now 8 and very much girls, no longer little. It's so cliched but it really is true that they grow up way too fast. Unfortunately no amount of hugging and holding onto them keeps that from happening.

I hope, if there are any readers left, that you are all well. If you haven't yet, check out Venus' blog for her very cool sock creatures and see what she did with a pincushion, it cracks me up and I want one too. Even though I rarely sew.

Oh Holy Moly I'm Here Again!

In true me fashion I completely forgot my username and password to sign into this bad boy. Finally I have had the time to sort it all out. Why, well because I am in the hospital!

Bleu Convalesces Part Deux. So I've got an auto-immune disorder, finally diagnosed after 3 years. I had a pretty scary night last Friday and was admitted to the ER, then ICU, and now I am in the urgent care unit. I am doing incredibly well all things considered, and they are now getting me set up on meds and working that all out. I will be here for a few more days while they make sure everything is working right. I am very, very blessed.

So, my days are pretty eventful and full of excitement. I am woken up for all the bp, heart rate, blood draw, and so on. At this point one of my next door neighbors begins asking for and trying to go find her breakfast, even though it comes at the same time everyday. Then she doesn't want to eat it. At this point I brush my teeth, have breakfast, get showered, take a walk around the halls-mask firmly on because I am on a med to suppress my immune system as it has been attacking my blood vessels, bladder, and colon. Thanks to large doses of steroids I am back on track. Thank goodness for this laptop because I was getting a little bored with tv, books, and magazines. So, after all of that excitement I have lunch, then jack around a bit, then another walk, then a nap, then jacking around again, and then dinner! After dinner I occasionally do another walk, which I usually take after the man who walk the halls and farts continuously is done, then jacking around and then I try to crash. Sometimes I am not able to crash because my other next door neighbor likes to yell for nurses instead of using that handy, dandy call button.

As I said, big big times. I am storing up all sorts of yarny projects in my head for when I am back at home convalescing. Woohooo!

Oh My Goodness

I am finally able to post on this blog!

So, the whole switchover to the google thing with blogger had me very intimidated and I kept putting it off thinking oh i'll have to back up my blog (ie. select all and copy and save on my computer) and then transfer everything over (ie. follow the directions and if it doesn't work then I'll need to find that copy I saved and then copy and paste that) and then make any fixes (ie. check to make sure the c&p went well.) and so here we are. Apparently the switchover was actually quite painless and if you only do half of the process blogger helps you out. Thank you, blogger. Aaah.

Finally, after many numerous login attempts so that I could blog previously here I am. Probably the few people I had reading this have totally and completely given up on me, especially because I am not that exciting or a great writer. So, if you are one of those few and are actually still checking to see if I am posting, bless you.

Work is the same, still much of it and I will never, ever, ever be caught up although for the most part I am very good at leaving work at work. Home is incredibly busy and crazy as usual. I have to say that I am so happy to have my children and absolutely in love with our life together. It's pure chaos, in spite of any attempts at organization. And even more so as the children are out of school for the summer, except for the youngest who is still in daycare, although he will be going much less over the summer. Mr. Blue is now going to a night shift, so I work daytime while he is home with the children and he works at night while I am at home with them. As altruistic as it may sound it also saves us a few thousand in childcare fees. (And as a former primary sahm who only worked part time on the off shifts a tad more palatable.) I was a daycare teacher before having my children and very much value the fact that people who love and care about children are there to care for them while parents are working I am also very happy that one of us is able to be with them all the time. In fact, I love it. What I don't love is that we don't see each other really except for brief moments on the switchoff. But, we'll make it work. There's always the weekend, eh? Well except for when one of us needs to go in to work for all that stuff we can't finish on the weekdays. Aaagh. Don't let that fool you, obviously family is first, always.

Yarn. We're here for the yarn, right? I have it, I'm using it, I love it, and I have even less time for it than before (*sob). Current projects-blanket for my sister, another dishcloth, and ponchos for my mother and grandmother for mother's day gifts. We spent a really great Mother's Day-what could be better than spending it with your mother and her mother? We did the winery trip again although this time the men went to golf, with our blessing, as golfers ourselves this is key, and we sat at the park and had fun with the kids while having some wine and snacks. It was a tremendously fun day and I can't wait to finish their ponchos. P.S Poncho really is not an attractive word for what I am making.

Also a note about how big of a day this is, the third child has lost his first tooth! His very first one and he is so excited about that gap in his grin. I love it. And of course I am not the tooth fairy because how would I have been the tooth fairy for myself when I was a kid?!?!

Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas treeeee!

Our new plan for decorating the tree is to use the soft, unbreakable ornaments we have and crafty paper ornaments made by the children. They are working diligently as I type on snowmen and bulbs and other more abstract ones (the four year old's) and happily hanging them on the tree. Much better than the glass bulbs the kittens will break because even though the water thing is working, they are still small kittens who forget they have learned to stay out of it.

Today was the kids' program at church, the boys were tentative but ended up doing it and my father was roped into playing Santa Claus, amazingly none of the kids realized it was him. I was for sure at least one of them would notice he looked a lot like Grandpa. Very fun and VERY cute, especially the littlest who was very outgoing with the microphone. He would say his first word quite loudly and the rest in a normal voice after a little hesitation. The crazy part is that I grew up in the same church and it is really weird to be the parent and not the kid in the play.

I CANNOT wait for my sisters and brother and brother in law and boyfriend in law and the little NEPHEW MAN to get here. One week, well for all except the sister and boyfriend in law, they will be spending Christmas in Canada with his family and get here on the 27th, hooray! I am so excited.

I worked a bit more on the colorful squares, now I am trying to decide how to join them and if I will indeed make a table runner out of them. Pretty sure I am, but I always get these crazy ideas in my head which I should just know to ignore but of course never do. I need to just make myself sit down and finish!

Dear Santa, for Christmas what I would like, aside from time with my family and those fun frog massager things at Walmart and new comfy pj's I would like for my digital camera to work again. Or to somehow get a fabulous new one.

Thank you! Fly safe!
Lisa

Well, the tree is up

but only has a couple ornaments on it. The kittens have decided it is a giant cat playground. We have taken to squirting them with water to get them down and away and for the most part it's working. They are little kid cats though and sometimes it is just too tempting. Also, the lights on it are sort of wonky-it's a pre-lit fake tree which I fought for awhile until we received it as a gift-and we've only used it once or twice so I'm thinking it's from being cramped up in storage. I'm still working on it.

Last night the husband and I were able to pawn the children off on my parents to sneak off to do some shopping (and go to a wine-tasting and dinner YAY!) We were able to get a really good chunk of gift buying done, so I am feeling a tad bit more prepared. We had a lot of fun picking out toys and stuff and I can't wait to get them out and play with them. I was thinking of taking the kids shopping for gifts for their cousins and grandparents but the thought of even shopping on a Saturday this close to Christmas makes me want to scream, much less with four children in tow. We'll just wait until next week and go an even more insane week night when I drag the husband with.

On a sadder note I think I left my scarf at the youngest's Christmas program, I need call the place and his daycare to see if anyone has found it. I love my purple scarf that matches my hat. The husband said "Well you can always make a new one." I DON'T WANT A NEW ONE! A friend said I should go with that and buy myself some really nice yarn to make it with-you told me to make a new one. ;) Hopefully it will turn up.

Today I think we will hang out at home, I'll catch up on laundry and hopefully get some knitting or crocheting in. Much better than braving stores anyday.

Apparently I have

not been keeping up again. The Hawkeye scarf was finished the very next day after that post, and given to the littlest man in our house and he LOVES it. Myself I wanted to take it out and start over but he was NOT having that and loves it and really is warm and soft and Hawkeye-ish. It's his and he loves it, so who can ask for more?

Otherwise I am trying to work on a new purse for myself, and the square bright colored project continues. I am thankful that so faar I have not done that last minute OH I MUST MAKE ____ for _____, or I would be MUCH more stressed.

And the cats are hopping and flipping all over my living room and it is really very funny.

Christmas, GAH! My work Christmas party is this week, wheee. I am making my olive pasta for the pot-luck, have been doing fun Secret Santa gifts and just need to get a few more things for the "final gift." So that's that.

As for the rest of my Christmas doings I am on schedule to be madly behind. As usual. Gift buying will begin in earnest this weekend, and hopefully we will get the tree and decorations up this week. Wheeeee!

As for the yarn type things, I will do what I can and hopefully not be sucked into some mad last minute thing that will drive me insane and keep me up until the wee hours nights in a row (as in last year and the year before, and well you get the idea). Hopefully.

Halfway done with the Hawkeye Scarf

I almost frogged it because I am still not sure if I like it, but the kids like it and since it is for them I'm going with it.

So I should've guessed

that the scarf would not go smoothly. It looked easy enough, even with the double stranding. Of course I had my four kids and my nephew and it was even more loud and rowdy than usual. The kids were very excitable. VERY excitable. Having their cousin over was VERY, VERY EXCITING. So they were running and hollering and having lots and lots of fun which occasionally included little fights over very stupid things. Which led to me being distracted from the scarf. Which led to me somehow being off on my stitches or rows or something. Which led to a really goofy looking switch in the pattern. It went from nice, straight diagonal rows to a mish mash of diagonalness.

I've started over, now using Chunky USA , black and gold for the Hawkeyes , on size 15's. I wasn't sure if I would like it, but it's turning out kind of fun. We'll see how it goes.

Ahhhh my yarn!

So, I've been slacking a lot in the yarn department, and even more in the picture dept. The digital camera is not cooperating so I may need to ask for one for Christmas.

I haven't finished much, just the bag for my Grandma and the Kitty Pi-I so need to make another as we have two kitties. I am still working on the colored crocheted squares and started a new felted bag for myself. I also have a bunch of smallish WIP's that I just need to buckle down and finish. One of which was a shawl I made last wintertime, knitted with a crocheted edge. All I have to do is finish the second crocheted row and weave in the ends and it is done. I just need to pull out of the bin. That's it. Sheesh.

I've also started scarves for my boys a couple of times and they are just not coming out the way I want them too. Until! A link to this: The Misti Alpaca Chunky Diagonal Rib Knit Scarf

I am using some Wool-Ease I bought to make the boys hats and scarves-the hats have been done since last fall. Double-stranding and it is turning out very nice, bulky and soft and just the right size-using 10.5 needles. Hooray!

Thanksgiving was a lot of fun with yummy, delicious food of which we were given lots of leftovers, YAY! Ate good food, played games, talked and laughed. Yesterday and today have been spent doing minimal things around the house-although I should be taking advantage of my extra days off-I'd rather use the time to relax and knit. So I am. A little laundry, made breakfast for the kids and the older nephew who stayed over last night, catching up on my DVR'd tv shows and YARN! YAY FOR YARN!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Life without drugs

So I'm coming off of my Cymbalta. This is both good and then terrifying. Will I be able to maintain without it? Are the current freakish moods and overreactions a by-product of coming down off the meds, or am I still like this? Should I really do this? Why do I feel the need to find out if maybe all the hard work in the mental department the last few years has worked enough that I can exist without the drug? Why can't I just be okay with having to be on a medication in the first place?

Being nuts has this way of undermining your own understanding of yourself. Tends to make you over-think everything, questioning whether what you are thinking/feeling/doing is "normal" or a crazy person warning sign. Am I just getting back to normal, or should I throw in the towel and gulp down the meds and stop tempting fate?

I am terrified of getting mired down in all the mental crap and not realizing how far down I'm going and having to put myself and my children and my husband through another bout of get your ass into the therapist you crazy woman. I always struggle with myself, wanting to just be "normal and okay" and having to prove I can verses taking the drugs and just living that way without having to find out or prove anything or struggle with needing them to just be okay.

So, the past couple weeks have been rough in that way, but not as bad as I anticipated and I'm determined to try this without medication and please God just let me be NORMAL.

This past week was a big test, as evidenced by the freak out post last night, but I'm making it and I haven't had a huge emotional reaction, no yelling or hollering, no loss of control, none of the stuff that I don't have the courage to type about here. I guess we'll see how it goes.

The eye is not as bad today, but it hurts like a bitch at times, especially in sunlight. I'd like to avoid having to be out, but we've got errands to run so that's how it goes. And holy cow have you seen that ginormous storm on Saturn? 350 mile per hour winds, insane.

This week...and why it was NOT fun.

Flat tires, cars not starting, being late for work, work being a major pain in the ass more than usual with all sorts of extra things to do, house being nuts, fundraisers suck ass, and my EYE IS JACKED UP AGAIN.

AGAIN.

I am not happy. I really thought I was done with the eye thing. I thought I would go back to my normal nearsightedness with it's annual eye exams, mundane optometrist visits, especially as they've gotten rid of the SHOCKING MOTHERFUCKING PUFF IN THE EYE GLAUCOMA TEST.

So. Eye, jacked up again. There are a lot of nerve endings in the eye. A WHOLE LOT. If you do not believe me either google, or come over here so I can take one of my fingernails and scratch off your cornea so you can enjoy the fun I routinely go through with this stupid dumb ole stupidhead injury to the eye. Aside from the pain, it also causes your eye to water and your nose to run and drip uncontrollably. Pretty.

Also, work is nuts. Totally nuts. I have not even had the time to LOOK at hooks or needles, to nostalgically run my hand across some yarn. It's sad really.

To top off this week of NON-STOP GARGANTUAN FUN! we were evacuated from our office today. An awful, horrible, gag-inducing smell took over our office around 10am this morning. The boss, after some urging, finally called the gas company who promptly shooed us out of the building. Some caricature man drove up-asking if anyplace showed off their address (YES, YES we are the thirteen shivering woman standing outside of the building for the awful, horrible, potential methane gas smell.) The thirteen of us have not suddenly become hardcore smokers or freak weirdos that feel the need to stand out in the the snow while you explain the non methane gas thing happening. (Some of us find that hard to believe.) It is eventually supposed that the sewer gas vents are venting right into the air vents for the heater which are apparently sucking this awful toxic gas in and distributing it through the building. Mmmm, yummy AND healthy. Natural gas=go home with pay. Sewer gas=Stay and work and hope you do not have any long-term effects.

To put it like this, between the eye, the tire issues, driving the big ass loud Heavy Half truck (remind to tell those stories later) and bad, suffocating smells in the office I am totally and completely ready to just GO TO BED and hope the next week is not even nearly as strange and weird and stressful as this has been.

To make up for the other night

I am being extremely lazy today, hoooraaaay!

The date was fun, dinner was DELICIOUS and now I am being totally lazy and will end up regretting it when I am way busy this week. Maybe I'll do something later.

Being busy sometimes sucks.

So, I have this cold. This horrible cold that I've had for a couple weeks now that tricks me into thinking I am getting better and then it gets WORSE. Stuffed up, head cold, body aches, keeping me up at night miserableness. UGGGGH.

Last night was one of those how many things can we pack into one night nights. All I really wanted to do was come home, get into my jammies, drink hot tea, read, internet, maybe knit or crochet. That's all I wanted. Instead I got off of work, went to the bank, stopped at the store, picked up the kids, went to another store, got them all to one of the local colleges to drop the girls off for a Girl Scouts overnighter where we waited forever and a day, and then finally got some dinner for the boys and me, put coolant in the car because the engine was overheating and proceeded to come back home to wrap the present for the nephew who turns eight today. We were supposed to then go up to the in-laws to meet my husband who had just gotten off of work for an impromptu birthday dinner for the nephew. I decided that we would not make it to the dinner as it was already almost 9pm and would take a half an hour just to get there. We are taking the nephew for dinner or something another night to celebrate then instead.

The plan at the point was to take some Nyquil and crash. We only had two kids at home. Should have been easy. I took the Nyquil once the husband was home and proceeded to crash. To be woken more than a few times by ornery boys who were too dang overtired and couldn't sleep.

Thankfully the boys all got out of here today and the girls and I slept and made breakfast and lounged. But now I need to get in gear again as the husband and I have an actual date. A real-live go out to dinner date without any children in tow. It is amazing. I've been waiting forever to do this. And now I feel like crap and just want to climb into fresh jammies and crash again.

Sigh.

Kitty Pi is felted!

You didn't really think I'd have pictures yet? I took crappy before pics with my cell phone camera and at some point I will send them to my email and upload them. Hopefully I can get my digital camera working for after pics.

It seemed really small post-felting, but it's stretched out more than I thought. I also used worsted weight yarn and not bulky, hence the smallness. It seems just right for our kittens though. Hopefully they like it.

I got Socks Soar on Circular Needles today, woohoooo! I came home and there was the box, freshly delivered. Can't wait to try it out. I started reading it tonight and it seems much less intimidating then the dpn's. We'll see if I can actually get farther than just the very beginning of a sock.

I ordered a whole bunch of other books with it, birthday gift cards rock. It shipped before the rest and I cannot wait to get more books. Right now I am watching Ace of Cakes on the food network, I'm totally into this show, they make the coolest cakes. They have a website, but I am too lazy to link right now.

I'm really lame tonight, very tired and I am sick and have to work tomorrow and do fifty gazillion things this weekend and I just want to lay around and be all sicky and miserable and left alone.

Holy Cow I am actually here again!

I am a bad, bad blog neglector. Since my last post I have gone back to work, kids are fully in school and daycare and my baby turned 4. Today I turn 31. Wheeee!

I am having a really great birthday, still in my jammies, I got to sleep in, the husband made a yummy breakfast and I have been vegging, knitting, reading, and playing on the internet. Tonight we are going to dinner with my parents and grandma and I am excited. All around it's been a really nice day. My grandparents out in California just called, it's so great to hear from them.

For the past few months I've been busy with going back to work after my hysterectomy and catching up there, the husband has moved to a new job and his hours have changed a few times. Things finally seem to be evening out, as calm as it can get with two working parents and 4 kids.

In knitting/crochet news I am making my first Kitty Pi bed, for our new kitties, Sophie and Sadie. I am now towars the end of it and can't wait to see it finished. I am also still working on my crocheted squares that I may or may not have blogged about previously. It's been so long I really don't remember. I am using the book I got on Crocheted Squares and bright colors of Cotton-ease to make a table runner or cloth, depending on how many squares I am able to make with the yarn I have. I finally felted the purse for my grandma, but it is sort of wonky so I am going to refelt and block it out again. I have also not refelted the purse for my sister yet, hopefully I can do both of them at the same time and get them sent out!

I am really excited because I was given a Barnes & Noble giftcard from my in-laws and am going to get Socks Soar on Circular Needles by Cat Bordhi. I have been wanting to get it forever and maybe I will actually finish some socks! So far I haven't gotten beyond the toe of one and the cuff of another.

This is a chintzy update, especially without pictures, hopefully I'll be able to liven it up soon. As well as catch up on all my blog reading, I SO miss that! If anybody is still reading here and hasn't given up on, post me a note and let me know how you're doing!

My Little Man is Six!

Drew had his 6th birthday on Wednesday, and a party at Chuck E. Cheese last night, he had a BLAST. He is such a funny little guy, growing up so fast. Aren't they all though? He's really enjoyed his birthday and that's what counts.

Pictures!

Thank goodness, I have to move that ghetto a/c post down, it's bad enough actually having that in my house, much less up on my blog.

Here is my frog washcloth, thanks to the fabulous Nicole of Purple Duckie who is the craftiest crafster I know. I am especially happy that she shares my love of frogs.


This would be a big bag of Galway wool yarn, picked up the LYS on sale. Woohooo! Note the package for another new set of Addi Turbos, heaven indead. More pics to come soon, sadly the camera died midway through our photo session. I also picked up a crochet book and some other fun yarns. Some of the yarn above will become a brand new purse all for me. :D

How ghetto are we?

THIS ghetto.

We bought a new air conditioner today, the heat is INSANE as is the humidity here in Iowa. The husband apparently forgot to check the cord length, so for now we have it set up all cockeyed and actually getting it this far took so long that the man has given up until tomorrow. Nice new air conditioner in a crappy old place. Note the tape still up from our painting. Niiiiiiice.

Finito!

That's Nikki hiding behind her new purse. She loves it and it turned out great!

I've been working on the star blanket as well and I'm thinking of making a new purse for myself, black, dark grey, and purple. I really should finish up some small projects first though.

Duh.

So I forgot to take a picture of the Nikki bag before I felted it. I did not get it done in time, honestly though, who thought I would?!?! Nik's been excited to watch the progress and i-cording and I started felting FINALLY and showed her that whole process and she is now even more excited. The yarn is felting really well and much more quickly than I expected. Blocking and drying tonight and then assembly tomorrow. And off with Nikki tomorrow.

And just so you don't think she went home empty-handed on her birthday I also gave her my favorite blue shoes that she's really been wanting. Aren't I the best?

p.s. I've done some more healing, but I am in a lot more pain and my main activity is sleeping this week. Very exciting.

Sometimes Life Hands You

a lot of stuff. All at once. And you go through a ton of emotions and thoughts and a lot of other bullshit and then you are just tired. Knitting is good for this. Working with yarn is a nice way to get out the emotions with out crying, screaming, sniffing, huffing and puffing, and putting yourself out there.

On a better note my godchild, Nikki, will be SIXTEEN tomorrow. She will be getting this purse that I am madly knitting and secretly want to steal. She requested black and hot pink and I love her little punk rock girl self. I hope her birthday is great for her. (And not at all like those stupid, over the top, spoiled ass birthdays those little brats have on the MTV My Super Sweet Sixteen show have. Okay maybe one or two of those kids is an all around good person and deserves it, but COME ON.) I'm happy that Nikki is fully her own person and someone I really like and I hope she has an amazing birthday. (Especially because I am pretty sure the little punk will find this and read it. ;) )

Her turning 16 reminds me of when I turned 16 and then I realize really how old I am. More so when we listen to music and she's shocked that I like certain things. (I'm not THAT old!) It's cool though to see how music is important to her, I know it was and still very much is to me. Nice to be reminded of that.

Now I'm off to knit my angst away and then fall into an early night 30 year old sleep.

The Bag Is Begun!

I just need to finish by Friday. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Yay!!! Hooray!!!

I actually went out of my house! WOOOHOOO! I felt like what you'd imagine one of those dogs riding in a car with their head out of the window, tongue blowing in the wind MUST feel like.

My friend C picked me up and off we went to the yarn store! Susan's Yarn Garden. IT WAS GREAT! A good -sized store, with lots of yarns and projects and patterns and books and hooks and needles. I could've stayed for hours, but was trying to be fast as they stayed open a bit later for us. VERY nice. The couple, who I assumed were the owners were extremely friendly and helpful and the shop was comfortable and just nice. All yarny and nice. The yarn prices were good as well. All around a great experience and I expect to be going by there as often as I can. Which for now is when someone will take pity on me and offer me a ride. Or say yes when I volunteer them. C is a great friend because she does this, and took me to Starbucks and to LJS where we sweated our well everything off in the drive through. She is a brave soul.

It has been so HOT and HUMID here. It's crazy. My sister in Palm Springs called and you know it's bad when we're in the same temps, except she's lucky and has the dry desert heat. None of this smothering humidity. Really I shouldn't complain because I am convalescing in my air conditioned bedroom, but it is hot out. The kids keep telling me about it.

So I've started the bag for my godchild, she asked for a hot pink and black felted purse, her birthday is Friday and I am not sure I'll make it. I'm going to try though!

Pretty big day for me today, whew. I hadn't been out of the house since I came from the hospital. Big, big, exciting day. Next I get to look forward to going to visit my doctor. That will be fun!

BlueConvalescence:an update

I think I might have spelled that wrong, but I am too lazy to change it. It will probably bug me though until I find out for sure and then fix it. But again, that will have to happen later.

Today the man brought me home a Starbucks frappucino, isn't that the best???! I was so thirsty for one, and now that I am not able to grab one before work, or after or even sneak out to get one, it seems like I crave it even more. Not being able to just go drive myself somewhere is kind of frustrating. ESPECIALLY when it comes to coffee. Okay, kidding, well...mostly.

So I think tomorrow a friend will be taking pity on me and coming to pick me up to go to a YARN STORE! WOOHOOO! I need some yarn for a felted purse and would rather get it now to have it done for the birthday girl on time AND I found that we actually have a couple yarn stores in our fair cities here on the edge of Iowa. Hopefully I can talk the man into hooking the digital cam back up so I can take it along. There may just be some more excitement on this blog soon.

Hold on to your hats kids!

Well, still lying around.

Yep. Life is pretty darn exciting. What tv shows will I watch today? Will I finish this book today? Should I work on the star blanket or the dishcloth? WAIT! I will start a new project, a scarf, yeah, a scarf. That's bound to be exciting. Should I watch tv in the living room while laying on the couch or in the bedroom while laying on the bed? Oh Mr. Blue and the rowdies are at home, better go with the bedroom.

And, oh! We put an air conditioner in there too. WOOHOOO! I can't take all of this EXCITEMENT!

No Teddy, no uterus, LOTS of lying around.

Did you miss me?

I'm back home, doing a lot of reading, interneting, tv watching, and yarny things. Normally, this would be fun except for the searing pain in my abdomen. Wheeeeee!

Everything has gone as well as it could possibly go, I am home following orders and trying not to get bored. Thankfully we have borrowed the in-laws' laptop while they are away on vacation with three of the children (excellent timing) so I am easily entertained there.

Aside from the aftermath of the hysterectomy I already feel like a new person, it's great. It's also nice not feeling like I could have a stroke at any moment. Still carrying a good bit of weight, having given birth a few times I knew there would be no magical instant weight loss, but a girl can dream.

As close to Teddy as I was, I'm not really missing him. Apparently my uterus was the size of a basketball when they finally removed the troublesome thing.

So now I have lots of time to catch up on the yarny side of things, I've been working on a star blanket-easy, mindless crocheting for in the hospital-and a dishcloth that I restarted 4 times while in the hospital because I kept jacking it up. I also cannot wait to get caught up in my blog reading. Hooray!

Operation Evict Teddy

has commenced.

Apparently Teddy is not only a huge pain in the gut, he's also REALLY greedy. I'm on tons of iron to boost my blood levels and Teddy is hogging much of it. My uterus is growing insanely. I know it's used to the whole expansion thing, but come on!

I went back to the doc last week and I was already 18 weeks. I've been measuring myself around, right over my belly button and I'm averaging an inch a day. That.is.a.lot.of.growing. I now look full-on pregnant and many people look at me with that "They're having ANOTHER one!?!" look. It's also sort of weird to explain to people, especially those I haven't seen in awhile or just know but don't really know. "You see I've got this fibroid I've named Teddy and apparently it's really growing..."

I'M A FREAK! But in a not so good way as I've always been. In a Look at my appendix in this jar way. Sigh.

Teddy will be evicted on July 7th. Thank goodness.

My uterus has superpowers.

Or thank God I'm learning what the hell is wrong with me!

The absent blogger returns to follow up one depressing health posting with another, but at least it's a bit more positive.

So I've got this fibroid, affectionately known as Teddy the Tumah. (of course you say it like Ahnald silly!) We first saw Teddy back in 1999 during my first ultrasound with the girls. As I practically lived at the ob's office for the next few years we had frequent views of Teddy and he was a good little fibroid as he only grew during pregnancy. Except for that darkside he had that made my periods awful and horrible and just downright not okay, but hey, I'm tough.

Apparently since the birth of Big C back in 2002 Teddy has been a little busier than I thought. My uterus is the size of a 15 week pregnancy. A 15 week pregnancy of a woman who has had children. (Yes this makes a difference as once your uterus and body stretch out to gargantuan proportions they more easily and quickly do so in subsequant pregnancies, or fibroid housings.)

I used to refer to the ole uterus as the condo. Apparently the neighborhood has gone a bit downhill. They could not get a picture of Teddy in his entirety with the ultrasound I had this week, he's a big 'un. The bad part of this is that my blood count is VERY low, like scary low-the kind that even freaks out the nurses and doctors.

This uterus must come out. They were able to buy me a bit of time to increase my blood levels and prepare to have surgery by giving me a shot of Depo-Provera in my BUTT and putting me on major iron pills and I am having lots of iron in my diet. I go back next week where we will schedule the surgery. The surgery that will put me out of commission for about 6 weeks and make me go through major pain but will ultimately free me from this whole pain/crazy health shit rollercoaster. At least I hope so. PLEASE let Teddy be the cause of all that's been happening.

I did have an MRI yesterday, no news, the doctor will read the results and get back to me, but Teddy gives me hope that it's not something scary like strokes or MS or any of that other stuff and purely the offshoots of an overgrown fibroid.

It's funny that now I can look back and think HOW did I not figure this out sooner?!?!? My mom tells me she felt the same way when they found Harry. My siblings and I have named Harry, who was apparently some sort of growth sort of like one of those stone babies who had hair and teeth and all that jazz but also caused my mom a whole bunch of problems. I like to say that Teddy takes after his Uncle Harry and is just as close to his mother.

Hysterectomy here I come and please, after the hell of recovery let me be amazingly free of all of the rest of this crap.

Life has a funny way

of letting you know you can't hide from the big stuff.

I've been hiding from the whole health side of things, tired of not getting any answers, of not being better, frustrated with all of it. Yesterday at work I had another "episode." The left side, which has been slightly numb since the first incident in 2004, went REALLY numb yesterday, and much more tingly-like when your foot falls asleep but worse-and I couldn't really move my hand or make it work. Scary stuff, but it's happened before. My doc sent me to the ER where I was checked out and pronounced coherent and okay aside from the whole left side of me being numb thing and I go back to the rheumatologist where I will go through a whole new round of brain scans and tests and all sorts of other fun things.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So I'm watching

Law and Order Criminal Intent, one of my favorite shows, and the commercials come on. One is a One a Day vitamin commercial, all about staying strong, taking vitamins, and then they mention losing bone mass...as early as thirty.

I've always sort of tuned these things out. Didn't pertain to me, I didn't need to really pay attention. And suddenly I realized...I'M THIRTY. I'm in that age category now. Holy crap. That's me, I could be losing bone mass as I type. Right now.

Except I'm already taking my One a Day's.

The heat is here.

Whew has it been hot here, in the 90's. As both of cars need the air conditioned fixed-a fact we can ignore all those cold winter months-I should be losing tons of weight just sweating while I drive places. But I'm not.

Today I had a girls day with Abbie & Arenne, we went to lunch and then with my mom for manicures and pedicures. I had a great time with the girls and then really enjoyed the massage chair while I had my pedicure. Very relaxing. I chose a bright orangey color, it's too bad I don't have any sort of tan to go with it. Tomorrow we are heading to a pool party and I need a swimsuit and I am hoping people aren't blinding by my either my orange nails or my whiteness. The kids are all excited to show off all their swimming lesson skills, woohooo!

My sisters were home with their significant others AND my little nephew man who is quite the chunka munka and actually has a darker tan than all the rest of us lol. Must be the California sun. He is such a sweet, funny, happy, gorgeous little guy, I am completely smitten. My sister and the nephew stayed on an extra week, everyone else had to get back for their jobs, it was so good to have the extra time with them. Although now that I have the whole job thing I wasn't able to just pick up and go as I have in the past.

On the yarn front I FINALLY got the purses to my aunt, and she loved them, I am so happy. WOOHOOO! As I take after her on the procrastination front it was all good. ;) I am finishing up sewing on the pocket of the purse for my grandma, this thing is HUGE and GINORMOUS unfelted, I so have to take pics before and after of it. Can't wait to see how it turns out after felting. I'm also working on another star blanket and need to re-felt my sister's purse, pray that I can get to go back to being a little bigger. I could kick myself for not checking it during that last felt. ARRGH!

Man I wish I had one of those pedicure chairs in my house. The back massager, the comfiness of it, the whole foot spa/bath aaaaaah, heaven. My mom and I are now plotting weekly trips after work on Fridays and scheming on getting a nice bottle of wine from my friend's liquor store next door to enjoy as well. The girls at the nail place were up for it, yeehaw. That's the way to start off the weekend. Maybe I'll even have to start having knitting/crochet groups there or something. Can you imagine? A pedicure in a massage chair with a good bottle of whine while yarning away the hours? Wowza.

Where to start?

First, if you have not heard Bo Bice's new album The Real Thing you absolutely must. How can you not love the man? Especially as a child of the 70's and seeing someone our age really embody that whole era and musical style but in a great now way. He rocked on Craig Ferguson tonight.

There's another one, Craig Ferguson. Words cannot describe the hilarity and just all around Scottish goodness of him. Even when I really should be getting some sleep I have to stay up. (okay yes I have the DVR but for God's sake that would require planning or some sort of setting it up ahead of time. This is ME we're talking about.)

The rest of my life is kids and husband and work. I am so thirty. My children are growing up so fast it really is scary, my husband and I are rediscovering each other and finding ourselves again after having survived babyhoodx4, and I just might be actually figuring out my new job. Jeebus that's all pretty responsible, eh? To make you feel better I'm doing it all still wearing my striped socks, Vans or Cons, and throwing in a band t-shirt every now and then. And rocking my jiap bumper sticker on the jeep. Mostly I am just thirty though. ;)

Tonight the husband and I made dinner together while my much-loved mom had the kids at swimming lessons (seriously twice a week the woman takes them to swimming lessons and out for dinner, you HAVE to love that.) Steak in a mushroom sauce, penne in vodka sauce, some delicious Italian bread, and red wine. Heaven, I tell you.

My family's Biggest Loser challenge ended a week ago, my aunt won, deservedly so. I ended up losing 9lbs overall which isn't shocking or anything, but the fact that I just revised what I ate a bit and did little to no exercising makes it pretty damn good. We took a week off and are starting again. Good thing the steak/pasta/bread meal was tonight, eh?

Yarn, I haven't got much. I made some wrap skirts for Abbie & Arenne's Groovy Girls dolls and we have more planned-doll clothes may be the new addiction if I can find the time. I MUST finish my grandma's purse handle and get the purse to her, for crying out loud. There is just NO time lately. Sad, sad, sad.

There's the update if anyone ever even checks this blog anymore lol. I am way behind on my own blog reading, I seriously wish I had internet at work. Sigh.

Hope you are all well.

Still

no time to blog but I had to update that I am in fact knitting again. I love yarn. I've missed yarn. Yarn is good.

Oh this poor sad little blog

is so neglected. It's just terrible. The only thing more sad is my yarn. And my knitting needles, and crochet hooks. Poor things. All lonely and unused and sad. It's terrible really.

Someday I will have a handle on the old job/kids/home thing. Someday. Then I will be able to use my poor, tired hands for yarny type things that make me happy. I hope. I really, really hope.

The other sad side of this new job thing is that I've had no time for blog reading. None. I miss you bloggers. I really do and I can't wait for that lovely day when I can open some wine, sit back and relax and dig into those archives. Someday....hopefully VERY soon.

For the first time

in WEEKS I have picked up the yarn. I made a wittle bitty baby bootie. Crochet, new pattern for me and it ended up being VERY easy. Now I just need to make another one, with the way I've been going it will take me another month.

The job is still nuts and I feel like I have absolutely no time to myself. The time I do have I have no energy for anything. I've been reading a lot though. Exciting, exciting times here in the world of Blue. Weeehooooooo.

You Are 62% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Ah the weekend

It came and made me happy, so happy. I've been doing lots of laundry and otherwise not much more in the way of housework. I've rested and hung with the family and just had an overall relaxing weekend. MUCH needed. I'm now working on the continuation of the desk excavation and feeling much, much better and refreshed.

I've got nothin in the way of yarn news, other than a tiny bit of work on the purse handle, in spite of keeping it with me at all times just in case. I have been really absorbed in a new book series I borrowed from my dad, by George R. R. Martin. The Series is called A Song of Ice and Fire and I've finished the first book-A Game of Thrones and am into the second-A Clash of Kings. I haven't wanted to put them down. It's so good to be in the middle of a good book and realize that there are MORE after it.

What a switch.

So today as I was leaving work and heading into traffic my sister called. The older of my two younger sisters, the one who had this very busy great job and worked overtime and did the whole commute thing. She would take pity on me and talk to me even when she was busy and I was a sahm and yearning, well actually grasping for any shred of adult conversation I could get. She was there when I needed her and listened when she didn't quite get this crazy mom person her sister had turned into. Fast forward 5 or so years.

Now I get the phone calls. The phone calls where she says Now I totally understand why you went so crazy then. Now I get it. In a weird way this warmed my heart and made me feel good and loved my sister for going through it too.

Today I was the one doing the traffic just getting out of work craziness and she was the sahm (who does work for her and her husband's business out of the home) and the role reversal was just really unbelievable. I've always been the get married have kids type-even if I did think differently about this than my family did lol. She was the driven go to school and move and get a great job and do well at it type. Isn't it wild to see us grow up?

The best part of having siblings is learning from each others' experiences and being able to be blunt and honest and all of that while learning from those experiences. It's also really great to watch each other go through those same things and be amazed at our own grown-upness. Who would've thought way back when when we were fighting over the tv and the phone and just about anything else-no matter how petty-that came to mind.

He loves the fish. I love his expression. This kid is too cool, loves school, and I am so proud of him. 

SMILE! (It's his version, okay?) I love this kid. 

New job=still no time=crazier than ever

The past two days I've brought knitting along to work. Small knitting, the handle for my grandma's bag. People, I started this job last week and all I needed to do to finish it was sew on the pocket and knit the handle. The pocket is still not sewn on and I am 3 rows into the handle. THREE ROWS. So I've brought it along, thinking I could knit on my break or...SOMETHING. I've got nothing people. Nothing at all. No time at work, no time at home and someone please get me a driver so I can knit on the way to and from work, okay?

Cute note of the day: My three year old still sleeps with his little butt in the air, just like when he was a baby. Awwwwww.

New job=no time

Holy schmoly! So I am loving the new job, doing fairly well at it but oh my tons and tons and tons of information to absorb. Wowza. I get home and have about 3 or 4 hours to spend time with the kiddos, do dinner, catch up laundry, and any other of the millions of home type things needing done. The man, as usual, has been fabulous about doing the dishes and keeping the house clean but you all know how it is.

I don't think I've used my brain this much in years. I am now also a proficient filer. Woohoo. No real yarn news. Sad, but true. I am just too busy. I wish I could have a driver for the trip to work as I'd get a lot more done that way!

Olympic Knitting and a new job!

I'm hoping to sneak in another post here while the kids are occupied. The girls are still playing with their sock babies, after a break to play outside and have dinner, and the boys are pretending to ice skate around the living room. Is it bedtime yet?

(already interrupted to kiss an owie and give a snuggle)

I am still surprised that I got my Olympic Knitting done on time. I am such a procrastinator and usually my eyes are bigger than my stomach (just translate that to knitting somehow) but this time I actually chose a project that was a challenge for me and that I was able to finish. I probably could've done something a little more challenging for me, but you just never know. Especially with me. The hat I made is intended for kamic who is such an example of strength and perservance. She amazes me. Her blog is well, well worth the read, as are her articles. I hope she likes it, and wish there were something more I could do.

In other news, I am rejoining the workforce! I am going back to work full-time, this time for good(at least I hope so anyway.) C-man is going to a really cool daycare, we visit with him tomorrow and he is pretty excited to have his own "school." I start on Monday, and while the job is not terribly exciting, it is involved, I have a lot to learn, and the place I will be working seems really relaxed and nice. I am looking forward to being out of the house again, bringing in some income, and the outside stimulation. Oh and the income. ;)

Super Easy Sock Babies

Okay, so the flu has been through here again, and I am way behind in blog reading, especially all of the Knitting Olympics stuff out there, so I am doing a quick post on the sock babies taking over my house.

My five year old came home with a sock baby made in his pre-kindergarten class complete with with its very own blanket, so cute, he is in love and the siblings were VERY jealous. I haven't talked to his teachers about it yet, so I am not sure where to give credit for these, but they are VERY easy and have led to at least one hour of occupied play time for all four of my kiddos. I'd like to say quiet, but I'd mean it in more of a non-fighting sort of way, as the the baby cries are echoing through the house.

I made sock babies for the other three, and then I ran with it, cutting little fabric blankets for each and even more! First it was baby carriers made by tyeing yarn to toilet paper rolls. Then baby cradles! More toilet paper rolls, cut and taped. AND with the scraps BABY BOTTLES! More tape and cardboard.

Now, of course these are very basic, I had thoughts of painting the rolls, or coloring them and many other fantabulous baby ideas but really, it would've put a damper on the fun for my kids. It would've taken to long at the time, they just want to play and with their imaginations those brown toilet paper rolls become much, much more.

I'm sharing here, in case there others like me who have passels o' children and are always happy to find a simple craft that can occupy for hours.

HOLY MOLY I'M FINISHED!

I DID IT, I REALLY DID. AND EARLY!!!!

Me, the Master Procrastinator has finished my entry for the 2006 Knitting Olympics!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! The hat has been knitted, felted, blocked, and trimmed and is DONE! My models are my sons, who are five and three. Drew, the five year old is in all of the pictures (including the pre-felting pic, where he is giggling madly under that huge hat) except for the last one with the covered face. That is my three year old, Colin, and that is the ONLY way he would pose, even though he was way excited to have his picture taken. Go figure.