Blue Crochet

Words aren't enough.

2012-01-31T00:47:00.002-08:00

If you know me, you know I love words. But today, they aren't enough. My cousin died today. It isn't right, it isn't okay, and I've come dangerously close to questioning God.

Mark is only a few years older than me. He has three amazing kids. He is an awesome and wonderful guy. I refuse to type in past tense. He is these things and this person. He IS.

I can't express adequately who Mark is or how much he has meant to me; how much he has meant to so many people.

I will miss Mark more than I can say. So many will miss Mark. His laugh, his voice, his humor, his intelligence. What an amazing guy and how blessed we are to have known him.

I miss him so much.

I finally finished my Grandma's scarf

2011-11-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

and promptly forgot to take a picture of it. It turned out very nice and is wonderfully soft and she loves that it is made from the same yarn as the super special secret project I made for my soon to be born niece.

I've been adjusting to my new role as a stay at home mom/homemaker/sick person with no job. It's been really good focusing on my family and the important things and being able to be there for my husband and kids. Between that and church I stay pretty busy. I've also started doing some odd job type things to make a little extra cash, but its a tad disheartening to see how long a writing project takes me now. All of this has made it easy for me to forget what's been happening with me cognitively; to pretend it maybe isn't as bad as I thought. Maybe people were right when they suggested it could be normal.

But it isn't. I was reminded this past week when I had a whole bunch of stuff going on and by Thursday was feeling it. It started with forgetting to press the button in the elevator. I was with my Grandma who can't see well and is also not a big fan of elevators and my forgetting to push the button caused her a bit of anxiety when she thought we were stuck. Later that day, as I took my husband's Grandma to the doctor I told her about this on my way in with her. And then forget to push the button AGAIN as we left. I joked with them both that it must be reassuring that I'm the one taking them places.

That same day I found myself in the grocery store, overwhelmed and confused as I tried to find things on a list from my husband. I was muddled and couldn't figure out why. I couldn't remember how to find things, how to look for them. And then I ran into someone I knew, except I didn't realize I knew him at first (despite actually knowing him quite well.) Thankfully when he talked to me my brain kicked in and my focusing on our conversation helped to sort of reset my brain.

This weekend I again I saw someone I knew very well a few years back. I haven't seen her in awhile, but its someone I would normally know right away and was very happy to see her. Except I couldn't figure out who she was. I used to try to pretend my way through these moments, but now I just come out with it and admit I am not sure who they are. If the opportunity presents itself I explain the whole disease thing.

The hardest part, I think, are my own reactions to these moments. There is this huge awareness that I'm doing something wrong and it absolutely unsettles me. I then get flustered and upset. Instead of trying to hide it I just acknowledge it. It seems worse when its someone I know well and I feel like its hurting their feelings when I can't figure out who they are.

At the moment I'm reading a book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova, about a women in her 50's who learns she has early-onset Alzheimers. I don't have Alzheimers, but I sure do have many of the same moments as the woman in the book and have found myself close to tears reading about a fictional character experiencing it. In a way its comforting to see what I feel written down.

The good news is that I'm learning how far I can push myself, and at what level of activity I should keep things, before I get too tired and befuddled. I'm also getting motivated to once again start the medical process rolling in the hopes of getting some sort of help. I seem to get stymied each time I try, but its better to keep trying than get complacent.

GO HAWKS!

2011-10-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

We just finished watching the Hawkeyes beat Northwestern and I am pretty darn happy and excited about it. I love watching football, and I especially love watching smooth football plays that end in touchdowns. Nicely done Hawks.

I'm pretty excited because I finally logged back into Ravelry for the first time in a bit and had requests to feature some photos on a pattern page. It's the second time its happened to me and each time I feel like I've won some sort of big award or pageant and I walk around showing the computer screen to each member of my family-who've now learned to give me big grins and congratulations, commensurate to my own level of excitement and pride. So thanks, for featuring my pictures, I really dig it.

I'm currently knitting a scarf for my Grandma, that I really should've finished in time for her birthday on Sept. 23rd. Thankfully she KNOWS me and loves me and pretty much understands procrastination is my middle name (its silent, after Michele.) I still remember when my other Grandma asked me if I knew what the word procrastination meant back when I was a kid-I didn't, but boy do I embody it. So, at some point-hopefully this month-I will get it finished. What doesn't help is when I knit while watching the Hawkeyes and get distracted and k, p the wrong row and have to frog a few rows and go back and do them again. I also forgot to send off the surprise stuff to my sister in time for her baby shower-so that'll end up being a new baby gift instead. Which means I should really send it tomorrow, since the baby is due in a month or so-WOOHOO my niece is coming soon! Hooray!

In other news my health funk has continued in bits and pieces, but I'm fairly certain I'm regaining my perspective and getting back on track. Still looking to God and holding on there. Tightly, mostly.

So I miss my family out in Cali and wish I had been there for my sister's baby shower and am VERY thankful for our other sister for putting on the baby shower and just being full of awesome. I'm thankful for my brother who keeps me honest and laughing and puts up with me and my kids. I'm thankful for my in-laws for allowing us to live with them and loving us-I mean, really, there are SIX of us. I'm thankful for my parents who rock and are there for me in ways I don't expect and comfortingly in those I do and are pretty cool grandparents. I'm thankful for my friends and other family, thankfully, of whom there are many. I'm thankful for my online friends, who still like me and put up with me even when I'm absent and not involved and not all that great at holding up my end of the friendship. And I'm very thankful for God, for all His love and blessings and for sustaining me and reminding me to be happy and loving in spite of the rest.

And for those of you who have lost children, you've been in my thoughts and my heart and mind today and I've prayed for you. As someone who has had a miscarriage I know the significance of today and my prayers are with you.

Good grief I love Fall AND COLIN IS NINE!

2011-10-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to believe that our youngest is NINE! Where did all that time go??? He is an absolutely hilarious kid and celebrating birthdays with him, as in most all things in his life, is a lot of fun and quite an adventure. He is such an observant, smart, funny, big-hearted, and great kid; we are blessed to know him. He will be getting a fancy new bike for this birthday and he's pretty excited about it. :)

Colin's birthday coincides with fall, which is my most favorite season. I absolutely love all the colors and the weather and that it gets cold enough enough some days where wrapping yourself in a blanket by the fire with a good book is wonderful, but still hot enough for short-sleeves and sitting in the warm sun. I'm outside right now, the weather is gorgeous and leaves are falling. There's a nice breeze and its just really, really beautiful and I am absolutely loving it. (Until one of these leaves falls in my coffee or I forget to make sure there aren't any in my hair before I leave the house. But it will still be beautiful and I will probably still enjoy it.)

I have a hard time coming to post here because I am seeing so many changes in my cognitive abilities. It can be hard to write sometimes and hard to see when I make mistakes I would never! have made before. More recently I am using the wrong forms of words (to/too; their/there; know/now, and even more weirdly: and/an). For other people this may not be a big deal, but for me IT'S RIDICULOUS! It drives me batty and frustrates me to see it happening and there's not much I can do to stop it. I've been shying away from writing anything lately because I've hard a time facing this, but I'm trying to get back into it. Use it or lose it-and if I am going to lose it I may as well use it well I've got it. So, I apologize if I use a wrong word or leave letters out or something else my self of five years ago would be aghast at, I can't help it. I can usually catch it after it happens-but not always. (As I typed that last sentence I left out the i in it and went back to fix it. lol)

Last week was pretty brutal for me-and as I'm talking to more people-it was for quite a few of my friends too. I caught a cold bug and it laid me out for a week. I was able to go do a few things, but it was downright ridiculous and I was VERY tired of being down for the count. I found my patience waning and my empathy plummeted. When I'm in that place I find myself being sad, angry, and resentful and then I feel even worse because that is absolutely and totally not who I am, or how I want to live. I become resentful that things that are so easy for others can be downright impossible for me. I become resentful that I am sick, resentful at having to deal with chronic illness, and angry at my cognitive decline. I feel guilty, angry, and useless. I do not say these things here so that others will feel the need to talk me out of these feelings. I KNOW I do not need to feel guilty and I KNOW I am not useless. When you are sick, however, these ARE feelings you have and in my mind it is so much better to be out with it and deal with it, because when you don't they fester and feed off of each other and that is no place anyone wants to be.

As I became more and more mired down in all this negativity, God threw a few things my way to pull me out of it. At first I didn't notice. I had stopped reading devotions or my Bible, I had pulled away from those things. I was having a hard time talking to God, and when I did it was mostly angry or pleading. I had lost my thankfulness, and lost sight of my hope. The good news is that God doesn't quit. He doesn't get tired of our surliness, or of us pushing Him away. He's still there, reaching out and patiently waiting for us to step back into His arms. The way he reached out to me last week was through the Bible verses I have up in my room-I have Jer 29:11-14 on my wall. It was there, I would look past it. In other times I read it, I savor it, I let it swirl around in my head. When I'm stuck in the muck I avert my eyes from it. He reached out through my Bibles, the ones in my bookbag, the one on my bedside table; through my devotional books and emails; and through Bible study books I have on a shelf. I couldn't bring myself to open any of them. He worked through my children-and this is one of the best ways. They loved me, they hugged me, they made me laugh and feel lovable and loving again. I was finally able to get out of the house for the girls first marching band performance in the homecoming parade. There God reached out through friends, through my parents. Things were still tough, I was still feeling horribly, my body was still wiped out and exhausted and it was really, really hard to make myself make an effort. I almost stayed home from church. But God reached out again through my Grandma Donna and my Aunt Traci. Was I going to church? Could I pick Grandma up? It will be so good to see you! I waffled on Sun. morning-I could call Traci and ask her to pick up Grandma. I could stay in bed and not expend the energy. Thankfully God kept prodding me, kept urging me to get up and go.

I went, and it was amazing. People smiled and hugged me and asked how I was. Some of the little Sunday School people were there and made me smile. I hugged my Aunt Traci, hugged my Grandma. I worshiped God-I felt His love, listened to His Word, sang my heart out and felt his forgiveness and took Communion. I talked with others, I hugged others, and I felt genuinely loved and more importantly-LOVEABLE. I loved others. My empathy was back and it felt very, very good. I went to Bible study that Sunday morning-which I don't get to do often as I am usually teaching Sunday School. I wasn't meaning to speak, I didn't intend to talk. I mainly wanted to just be there and listen and absorb. Instead I spoke and then, as usual, got choked up. I shared my basest feelings, I shared how God had reached out to me, and I let other people know I was hurting and I let other people comfort me. I didn't want to do this-in the beginning. I can be so outward, TOO open as some people say. I bristle at that because I've been a strong believer that we need to let others see our struggles and our hurts-to let others know we all have this and we all fail and are miserable and we all need that forgiveness and love and to know that its okay to fail-its okay to be miserable-its okay that we struggle and aren't always positive about it. We are human. That's why we have God. We have God and other believers to pick us back up, to reach out and love us, and to care about each other even when we don't feel very loveable, or deserving of that love.

It's been an emotional week or so. I'm struggling with my illness, I'm struggling with my limitations, and I'm struggling with my own reactions to it. I am thankful and so very blessed, though, to be where I am and to know a God who loves me. To have others who respond in God's love even when I don't think I need it or think I want it, or even deserve it. To have others to remind me of hope, and of love. I used to have this in my email signature when I was working for the church, from Hebrews 10: ^"23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." I had lost sight of it, but I'm so thankful that the Body of Christ is there to love me and remind me.

If I know you, I've prayed for you this week. I may not have specifically said your name, but I've asked God to be with and love and uplift all those I know-He knows your name. I've prayed for myself, as well. I know we all need it, and I know I need it. And if you've been used by God to love me, to reach out to me-Thank you for responding to His prompting. I appreciate it more than I express-and if I try to I will probably start crying all over the place and I think I do too much of that as it is. ;)

I'm not sure

2011-09-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

why I think that things will get calmer once school starts. You would think I would know by now that really, we just get busier. Things are a tad more scheduled than in the summertime, but we're still busy! I am having a little more downtime during the school day, but much of that is spent jacking around and not updating this blog. (Really its housework, errands, doctor visits, and rest time; but there's also a certain amount of jacking around.)

I've been doing a lot of crocheting of all different sorts as well as working on BABY STUFF. I'm pretty excited about it all, but I won't be able to blog about it until AFTER my sister's baby shower as I don't want to wreck the good surprise. I found some great and easy patterns on Ravelry that I'm using and of course making some of it on the fly.

I've also made headbands, bookmarks, dishcloths, and something else I can't think of at the moment. I'm enjoying it and just wish I had a bigger yarn budget! (Or really any sort of yarn budget at all.)

We had such a busy summer and as usual life is passing by far too quickly. We're back into the swing of things with school and have started Sunday School and Confirmation again at church-I am again teaching both and I LOVE it. Next up will be Bible study, starting in a week, I'm really looking forward to it and still trying to figure out where to stash the kids while I'm there.

This is such a boring update. I'm sorry. I hope its better than nothing? In the meantime, look at this flower I made!

Once Again! First Day of School!

2011-08-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

It used to be that I looked forward to-or dreaded-the first day of school because I was the student. The kid going into a new grade full of nerves and trepidation and the excitement of seeing my friends and wondering who would be in my class and if I would like my teacher and would I ever, ever get math class. (The answer to that last one was a no.) Would I somehow get lost or screw something up or embarrass myself. (Those answers are no, yes, and oh definitely yes.) As I got older it became even more about the social aspects of school; wondering if maybe I'd be like the girls in the movies who blossomed into raving, hip beauties over the summer only to stun everyone back at school in the fall. (Um, also no.) I became adept at pretending to be happy in my self and my quirkiness and eventually I was happy as I grew into myself. Eventually.

Now each year I look forward to my kids starting school. We get supplies and shoes and haircuts and clothes and talk over what they're excited or nervous about. We label things and organize them and go to the open houses and meet teachers and bring all the stuff and then finally comes the NIGHT before the first day of school. Picking out clothes, talking about what time we need to get up and OH WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!

Our first morning of this school year went amazingly smoothly. We'd picked out clothes and done baths the night before, scheduled who would use bathrooms when, and were actually ready a half an hour before we needed to leave. I was really proud of us. Very proud. It's the first time it's happened in 8 or so years of school in our family. I'm still in shock. The girls were troupers about taking the FDOS pics, standing nicely and smiling while I tried not to totally lose my temper while hollering at the boys to PLEASE stand up straight and no don't make that goofy face and please, please smile. I ended up begging, reminding them that their aunts and uncles and grandparents and little cousins would be so excited to see their FDOS pics! Please. And they humored me, sort of, and the girls were so patient and we got our pictures taken. I think my favorite part of these pictures is seeing how their personalities come through, even when I'm talking in that exasperated mom voice and biting my tongue and trying to make them laugh and not lose my mind over a picture.

They look pretty awesome, don't they? I love my kids and they had a fantastic first day of school and I hope the rest of the year goes well. In true us fashion, this morning was crabby and chaotic so at least I know they haven't been taken over by zombies or robots. Whew.

Sigh and YAY!

2011-08-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

I can't get my pictures to upload today. And somehow, despite having successfully used texts on my old phone to update this blog, I am now unable to on my fancier iPhone 4. They appear to work, but just aren't there. I'm still convinced its user error and may have something to do with my cognitive difficulties. Blogs just seem more interesting with pictures, especially when you can marvel at my crochet and knit achievements and how cute my kids are!

The girl portion of our family went camping this past weekend with our best friends for one of their birthdays. It's now the second year we've gone-although last year the boys came along too-and we have decided its a must do every summer. If you've never been to Ponca State Park in Ponca, NE, I HIGHLY recommend it. It is stunningly beautiful and has a ton of fun things to do including horseback riding and hiking trails. The girls went on their first big hike without us and despite a little panic when accosted by a rogue cow they did really well. We relaxed, played games, had lots of campfires, ate delicious camping meals, and reveled in the beauty of nature. It's so wonderful I'd marry it if I could.

The boys stayed home and did whatever things boys do when the girls aren't around to boss them. (I try not to ask for too many details.)

School starts in a week so we're attempting to get as much lazy time in while still being moderately productive. The school supplies are mostly bought, the kids are sloooowly adjusting to new bedtime schedules and while I'm going to miss the heck out of them I'm also really going to enjoy not listening to the girls fight over the tv/computer/whatever is the focus of the day and the boys obsessively playing Xbox until I kick their booties outside. We really have had an awesome summer though and I am sad to see it end. I'm fairly certain I need to sleep for a month to recover.

On the yarn front I've been crocheting and knitting away; including a short obsession with headbands for the girls and a new toque for my brother. The best part was that I actually followed a pattern for it (found here: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/mountain-nights-toque) and then about 3 /4 of the way through I realized I should've been knitting in the round the whole time. Thankfully I'm good at seams. And it was a bulky yarn that hid it will. I will now need to re-attempt this one and actually follow the directions. Even with my mistakes it turned out really nicely and you'll have to trust me on that unless you are my ravelry or facebook friend and then you can just go look!

Next up, aside from more headbands and dishcloths are BABY THINGS! My youngest sister is having a little one in December and while I'd love to share our fantabulous news on whether its a girl or a boy I will leave that up to her. :) In the meantime I'm mapping out all sorts of fun baby things and heading to buy yarn for the baby blanket this weekend. Yippee! (And hopefully I won't have to be secretive for long because I almost typed out two different things that would've given it away, so I obviously can barely be trusted. Oh and if you are ARE a ravelry friend keep quiet if you're being snoopy.)

Long time, no post

2011-08-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

Ahh, here you are my blog, I have missed you! Having not been on an actual computer for a number of days this poor blog has been neglected. I tried posting from my phone a few times, but for some reason they wouldn't stick (I'm going with user error.) Things have been mighty busy in our world, Vacation Bible School at SOP, a trip to Minnesota for a family reunion, and all sorts of other little adventures. I'd written a post about VBS-which got lost, and started one about the Minnesota trip-which I didn't finish, so for now you get this post!

We've probably had our busiest summer yet, seems like we are always off to do something and the next two weekends will be no exception! I'm fairly certain we'll stay busy until school starts (and stay that way including a Labor Day Weekend trip to Lifelight.) I am most definitely NOT complaining, we have been having a blast. I'll try to come back to post about some of it, hopefully. I think.

Our garden is producing like a maniac and given its rocky beginnings with some late frosts it has really surprised us. The best are the brandywine tomatoes, which come in all sorts of fun sizes and shapes and are extremely delicious. We had one so large the slices of tomato were larger than the slices of bread for BLT's. YUM. That one I named Giganto tomato and most recently we've gotten Bizarro tomato, who is an oddly shaped duck but will hopefully taste just as yummy. I love having a garden and we're looking to expand it next year. Our herbs are doing very well, this year we only planted basil, oregano, and rosemary; next year we plan to add a few more. Love it.

In yarn news I've been crocheting and knitting away (after a brief hiatus due to the many mosquito bites I had on my hands), having lots of fun making headbands and a few other things-lately I've been into instant gratification. Last night we went swimming at my sister/brother in law's and afterwards I was having fun crocheting with my niece, Jozie. At 2 she isn't quite ready for full-blown projects, but she had a lot of fun pulling chain stitches through with me and we made ankle bracelets for everyone! Here are a few shots of her, I just love this kid. (pictures to be added later, as I am having some trouble with them. Apparently I'm technologically challenged right now.)

Rough Day

2011-07-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have debated on posting this, but given that part of me being me is that I feel its important to share not only our joys, but also our struggles. ESPECIALLY if it can benefit someone else who may be going through a similar situation. I've really been focusing on living positively, but, let's face it, we all have bad days.

I am really fortunate to be a member of a really great forum of women who all have different chronic conditions. I've been a member of this group for much of the time I've struggled with my health issues and they've been invaluable in their support, knowledge, commiseration, and listening ear. One side of having an illness is that it can often be hard for those who haven't been in similar shoes to understand how it is (as in most things in life.) It also is very, very good to have a place to go where you can share without feeling as if you further burdening your loved ones and where others understand even when you're at your basest. Another part of being sick is that you often find yourself comforting someone else about your own illness when you do share about it. Now, this I do get, it means people care and love you and what you to know that. But sometimes you get sick of being a sick person. Today is one of those days for me.

I have been down, sad, in a funk, hurting a lot, frustrated, aggravated, in tears, and downright angry today. All at my illness. I can't stand myself when I feel like this and dislike it even further when nothing seems to help me get out of it. I read, I play on the internets, I listen to music, I pray, I seek God's word and His voice, but SOMETIMES you find yourself in a place where nothing seems to reach you. That is me, today.

I posted this:

I really shouldn't be so down about this because I've been doing a lot better and living healthier, but I overdid it this week-I pulled weeds and cleaned bathrooms (really scrubbed them) and tried walking on the treadmill. I'm frustrated because I am in a ton of pain, because I couldn't sleep, and because I've been reminded once again of my limitations and it just really pisses me off.

I'm sure some of this emotional shit is because I have fully weaned from the Cymbalta and still feeling some of the withdrawal, but I am having a hard time being positive and seem to keep thinking of every negative and poisonous thing I can. I don't like it.

I am having a hard time talking to God, not connecting with His word and these are things that usually sustain me.

I want to continue and just be normal and I know that really isn't possible because I have a disease, but right now I just am very unhappy about it. Last night I spent time reading funny stuff while I couldn't sleep, but even that isn't helping.

Blargh. Off to let myself have a good cry, because sometimes you just need to.

And I got a reply pretty quickly, which is one of the reasons I felt a little better. Thanks L, I needed it, and it helped to know I'm not alone, especially given the week you've had!!

Sometimes online friendships/support get a bad rap. But one of the reasons I love them is that even on the days when I feel no one should be subjected to me, the days where its excruciating just moving around the house; I can pop online and talk to people. Sometimes its this message board I post on, sometimes its somebody through Facebook, sometimes its finding a devotion or song that I read or listen tothat helps me get back on track. Sometimes it reading about the Bloggess and the Big Metal Chicken. Sometimes it just posting and letting out all the bad crap, getting it out of your system with people who understand how it is.

And sometimes I find someone who can help me regain my sense of humor, and my faith that God indeed is there loving me and I am reminded once again of Jeremiah 29, that God has plans to prosper and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (This ended up being a bit cheerier than I'd thought it'd be, would you look at that?)

Projects

2011-07-18T12:19:00.001-07:00

Above is a little bitty hat I made for a cool little person I know. She has this big red Clifford dog and has been asking me if I could make him a hat and then waited VERY patiently until I finally accomplished it. It turned out pretty cute and I added a little string so she could cinch it up and tie it to Clifford's head. (After initially posting I realized that the picture makes the hat look GIANT, but its actually sitting on the arm of a couch and not the same size as the couch and tree in the background.)

And this is a headband I made for my cousin Alex. It's super wide and super simple. I've made another for my cousin Libby that has a little crocheted flower on it and am working on one half the width for my daughter Arenne. Unfortunately I can't take pictures because my poor, sad iPhone died this week. My sister is sending me a phone (she rocks!!!) so hopefully I'll be an iPhone addict again soon because the withdrawal sucks!!

Family

2011-07-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

This past weekend was spent with my Dad's family-his siblings-so, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and their significant others including the previously mentioned Aunt Traci, my Dad's youngest sister, and the impetus for our get-togethers. Traci has taught and continues to teach us about the importance of living in the moment, and loving every day. Traci has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and is now approximately 8 mos.-a year + past her expected expiration date. (To those of you that may think that heartless, negative, or extreme: when you have been faced with your own mortality it is often quite normal to grab it by the reigns and talk that sucker into the ground.) I am now 4+ years past my own brush with death, and not even a year since my Dad's. Skirting the edges of our earthly life MOST DEFINITELY puts the important bits front and center in your awareness of your surroundings.

As many of us who could came together this past weekend and we really just had a blast. Went to old haunts, danced like nuts in public, and just genuinely enjoyed each other's company. It was way too much fun and I wish we could do it all the time.

I love being with my family, especially those I don't get to see often (but seriously the rest of you are NOT chopped liver), and this time was pretty cool because I got to meet the significant other of one of my cousins. My cousin Alex is genuinely one of the most awesome people I know and I am tremendously happy that she is with someone who truly loves her. Al has been a pretty cool person since she was quite small and one of the better parts of life has been getting to know her as an adult. She's more astute than many more experienced or older people I know, putting into focus the stuff we all should be paying attention to and letting the rest roll on by. At some point I will FINALLY post the pics we took of her last year, which may only be funny to the two of us, except we don't care because it was funny to us.

In case I haven't said it before my parents really rock and we had a great time with them, I want to be Aunt Terri when I grow up, and I love that my husband and my Uncle George are totally on the same wavelength-and we could all gain some I.Q. points just listening to them talk. Wish my cousins Aaron, Jamie, and Andy could've been there BUT life happens.

The picture at the top of this bit of wordiness is of my Dad, also known as Tom, Tommy T, and a few other names (including some I probably don't know) and his dog Pete. Petey is one of the coolest dogs ever and is pretty much people. In the pic above he is forced to stay in the backseat with the womenfolk and demonstrates his need to be in the front with the men by leaning over the backseat and eventually resting his head on my Dad's shoulder. This dog is hilarious and that's one of the few reasons why.

That's a bit of my family, and praise to God that I have so many more people who fit in the category.

4th of July, a bit late

2011-07-15T09:47:00.001-07:00

We celebrated the 4th of July in South Dakota with my aunt, cousin, and parents and really just had a fun and relaxing and wondeful time. My aunt has recently moved back here and it has been so so amazing being around her and spending time with her, she's an absolutely beautiful person and a blessing to be around. She had us to her house for dinner (which was healthy and DELICIOUS) and we really just had a blast. The kids did snakes and sparklers-I was lighting the sparklers and if you've ever done it you know there is no time to take pictures because you just can't light those suckers fast enough, especially the short ones.

The kiddos are lighting snakes with my cousin Libby, boring but somehow its still fun. Especially when you stack a whole bunch in a pyramid and they start shooting out at the same time.

We also found a few roly polies, here's one all balled up.

One of the more fascinating moments of the day was when we walked over to a little festival at the nearby park and came upon this bit of ingenuity. An air conditioner in a van window. Really.

My aunt had read about the festival so we were excited to listen to the band. Except by band they really meant big speakers hooked up to this SUV. I think it might be Traci's favorite now.

And then there were fireworks. The city put on a fireworks show and it really was pretty impressive, we oohed and aahed and had a grand old time watching. The only thing we were missing were our own fireworks to shoot off risking fingers and eyes and honestly I'm not really sure I actually missed that part.

Another finished project

2011-07-13T21:53:00.001-07:00

After a yarn hiatus due to the stinging nettle, I finally picked up some knitting and finished the cover for my heating pad. It's nothing fancy, but its soft and I made it out of leftover yarn. Two knitted pieces, crocheted together on three sides and sc edging on the open end. It worked up nicely and is MUCH handier than the oversized pillowcase I was using.

Next up are a special purple hat for a small person's Clifford and finishing the plastic bag bowl for my aunt.

I am so happy to no longer have a burning, stinging hand and will wear my gloves for future weeding attempts. I've had a horrible summer cold but seem to be coming out of it and am a little zappy from the Cymbalta weaning, but doing pretty good overall. Missing my girls who are away having a blast at camp. Still need to post about the 4th of July. Coming soon?

Another fairly benign update

2011-07-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

Here's the most recent project, a dishcloth. I love dishcloths for their quick gratification and that they're a nice useful thing. I made this for a good friend and found a couple more skeins of the same yarn so she'll even get some matching ones! This is sugar n creme and I like how it stripes up.

I've started another plastic bag bowl for my aunt, using bags from our trip to Walmart while we were with her and some she had already. Unfortunately when I was pulling weeds in the garden I grabbed a stinging nettle and OW that is no good for holding a crochet hook. So I'm on a slight hiatus until it heals. I also realize I have no clue how long it will take to feel better and really should do an internet search on possible remedies. Stupid stinging nettles. (In true me form I thought about going to get some gardening gloves, decided not to, and promptly grabbed the stupid weed.) We're getting some tomatoes growing as well as some strawberries and our cucumber plant that we thought would die is taking over the garden and trying to choke out the rest of the plants. That dude is insidious. I really think our garden is going pretty well as this is only one of a few attempts at growing vegetables and the other was a container garden (which did really well.) It's cool seeing our plants growing and eating food we've grown, next year we'll probably do a few more plants. Our poor yellow and red peppers are not doing so hot though. Between the deer munching on them and the aggressive cucumber they are looking pretty sad.

So on my hit list today are stinging nettles, garden destroying deer, and punk cucumbers. Off to google remedies.

An aside on going off meds

2011-07-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

One of the big decisions I've made recently in regards to my health is to eliminate some of my medications and see how things go without them. One of them is a med I take for arthritis pain and the other is the one I find it MOST INTIMIDATING AND SCARY to go off of, Cymbalta. In case you don't know me or haven't read my blog before I have some significant health problems. What you may also not know is that I am of the crazy and have OCD and anxiety. For reals. I have spent lots of time in therapy and learned lots of good coping techniques and behavioral changes and along with meds here I am finally as fairly well-managed crazy person. The Cymbalta has also been immeasurably good for the considerable pain I've had over the years.

But. Cymbalta has some side effects I'm not so excited about. I've figured the benefits have outweighed the risks but I'm really feeling as if I've plateaued with it. Not only have I learned how to handle myself as a person with OCD and anxiety, I've also grown immensely in my faith and responding IN faith to things in my life. I'd like to think I've come far enough to be able to do this without meds, which is what I am attempting to do now.

I'm oddly excited about this. And MOST DEFINITELY YES I am doing all of this with my doctor, who has me on schedule to decrease and is managing my care. And the other caveat is that I know people with these issues often need medication to close the gap and do the job my brain doesn't do correctly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being on medication for mental health issues, in fact there is everything right about it.

I'm just in a place where I am trying a new approach to my health. I am choosing to live a healthier lifestyle, a more natural lifestyle and this feels like the right decision for me now.

In the meantime as I wean off the Cymbalta I am finding myself in these edgy moments, crawl out of my skin kind of moments and the pain is coming through more and more. Thankfully I'm not having a lot of the brain zappiness which comes with weaning from Cymbalta. I'm apologizing more to my family and afraid that all those old horrible things like raginess and anger may come back. That maybe the anxiety will become so horrible again, that the OCD will rear its ugly head and I will become consumed by it. These are my fears. I have plans in place in case of this, but it still isn't a fun thing to contemplate.

On the flip side my hope is that while the road will be bumpy as I do this, I will see improvements in other areas. Maybe I won't sweat so much. Maybe the tremors will be better. Maybe I will actually be able to lose weight which will lead to better health and ease of the arthritis. Maybe I'll be able to do things I've written off because of the current state of my body. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to handle my craziness without meds.

In the meantime I'm finding ways to contain myself as I go through this. I'm thankful for my family and their patience. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm still crazy, but maybe a little bit saner or more managed kind of crazy.

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T09:32:00.001-07:00

We're having a mostly quiet fourth, until tonight when we go for dinner with family. Looking forward to spending time with them. So far this morning I've had coffee, hugged my children, done devotions (Portals of Prayer today), read more of the Apocrypha (I'm in Eccliasticus), fixed the blog links on this blog, knitted (the heating pad cover), and tried to pretend my joints aren't as achey as they really are. Oh and I started a new fun song in our house, to the tune of Whoomp there it is! when I started singing "I feel a poop comin' on! A poop comin' on!" which entertained my youngest immensely. My work was done when my husband just this minute walked by singing it and I hollered out "Yes! It's viral!" This, folks, is the sort of good times we enjoy in the Blue household.

As is usual for me I didn't update to the new blog template/design thing on blogger until yesterday. I was pretty partial to my design from suckmylolly except I should've asked her to give me dark brown hair ages ago when she made my loverly header. I always figured I wasn't skinny either so it worked. Finally yesterday I decided it was time for a change and I can't stop playing with the design button. I also updated the blog links, something I hadn't done since probably 2009. All in good time my friends, all in good time. I'm really digging the new look.

Overall we've had a fun and relaxing weekend and man am I happy for that.

If my hands cooperate I plan to do some more knitting and finish this heating pad cover, then crochet some more dishcloths for my friend. Simple, easy and quick is where I'm at for the moment.

Our 4th will be a little different this year, in the past we've gathered at my Grandma's with whoever is in town to barbecue and do sparklers and snakes and shoot off bottle rockets and maybe some other fun fireworks. This year we'll be going to my aunt's for dinner, as always its great to spend a holiday with family and friends.

And for the most important part of today's blog, which I won't muck up by being too wordy: Thank you to all of the soldiers out there, all of our military members and veterans. We have many in our families and I'm thankful for these people who sacrifice for the rest of us.

June

2011-07-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple random pictures from June, which whipped by very quickly. I'm afraid July will be even faster as it will be a busier month for us.

This first picture is of something kids in areas where tornadoes are a regular part of life are used to, holing up in the basement when the sirens go off. Here are my kids and my nephew all cozied up in a small space. Thankfully we didn't have a tornado, but we did have some pretty extreme winds. We were fortunate to not to have any damage here, but thunderstorms and tornado warnings are a common occurrence here in June.

We got the first harvest from our garden-Radishes! It's great to see the garden producing, especially with the friendly deer who like to come and eat off the tops of all our plants. Today we got our first cucumber, wow do those suckers grow fast.

And in case you haven't noticed I played around with my blog design today, really liking how it turned out, what do you think?

The Plastic Bag Bowl

2011-07-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

As promised, pictures! I apologize in advance for the blurriness, I'm taking pics with my poor, sad, cracked iPhone.

I hadn't worked with plastic bags in a looooong time and have been thinking of trying to make a few things so off I went. Unfortunately my large P size crochet hook is in my storage unit so instead I worked with one strand of plastic and the largest hook I had, I think it was a J. I know there are various tutorials on cutting up the bags but I was too impatient to try to figure them out so I cut off the handles and bottom of the bags and then just cut the bag in a spiral into one long strip. In my impatience I wasn't always straight and ended up with a wonky strip, but it worked anyway. Basically I crocheted the same way I would to make a hat, starting with the circle and increasing until I had the diameter I wanted, then I worked in the round, using sc all the way through. Super easy and surprisingly fast, it took me a few hours to make. I think cutting the bags into strips was the longest part and my girls helped with it. It took about ten bags (given our mistakes in cutting). There were two brown bags which made the stripe around the bottom.

I'm looking forward to doing some more projects with plastic bags, I'd really like to do a rug. I'm also saving bread bags to do something with those, although I'm not sure what yet.

Hey what's this...Oh yeah!...

2011-07-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

I have a blog! Hold on to your hats, or get some coffee and settle in as I bet this will get rambly and long. It's me.

Another month has passed, time flies when you're having fun and even when you aren't. We've been busy, although its hard not to be with four kids. Of course the kids would probably say we haven't done enough, but that's because they're kids and always need something to do-unless I ask them to clean.

As I type, from the back patio where I've got my coffee and did my devotion, my youngest has come out to ask me random questions and proceed to pretend he doesn't know how to pronounce words. Don't ask, I really have no idea. He's 8 and he's Colin, enough said. The other day as we watched Tom & Jerry he asked if I'd ever noticed that Tom is big but has a little name and Jerry is small but has the bigger name. I hadn't. He then said, "Tom is big but has little ideas and Jerry is small but has big ones. Did you get that yet?" Man I love that kid, very astute.

I'm continuing on my path towards healthiness and eating right-much more fresh fruit and vegetables, avoiding preservatives (don't faint, I know!), and changing my diet in good but not rigid ways. The book Crazy Sexy Diet is phenomenal, I highly recommended it to anyone looking to change their health through their food. The author is smart and witty and has so been there and explains it all in great ways. I've gone from a preservative meat-loving queen to eating asparagus. I know!!! I'm also changing things up with my meds and exercising (okay for others it wouldn't be a lot, but for me its like the old cross-country days except I can't run anymore lol). I can feel the changes in my body and it feels pretty good.

I've finally figured out that because I am so open people often feel its okay to give advice, tell me what I'm doing wrong, etc. and its lead to me having way too many cooks in the kitchen. I've tried too hard to listen to everyone, I've felt pressured to do so (my own internal pressure), and am constantly feeling as if I don't measure up somewhere. I'm learning to live and be who God created me to be, to follow His prompts in my life and to not worry so much about the rest. I'm being me and there's so much freedom in that. I really cannot emphasize enough how much healing and growth have come my way and I thank God for it. He is good indeed.

On the yarn front I've been working away. My biggest project recently was kitchen towels and dishcloths and my first ever hot pad as part of a wedding gift for some friends. Unfortunately I forgot to get pictures! Other than that I've made a bunch of dishcloths, a bowl from plastic bags-must remember to post pics-and am working on a cover for my heating pad. I lost the cover for it somehow and had been using a pillowcase that was far too big until I realized that Hey! I could make a new one! Oh yeah! I hadn't knitted anything in a bit, and forgot briefly how to-hang on need to look up the correct term-cast off?, Yes!, cast off and that was unsettling. I've cast off so many times but simply couldn't remember. Thank goodness for the internets.

In June my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary-where did the time go? Aren't we still in our 20's? We ended up doing a delicious dinner about a week after with the kids in Okoboji. We cooked together (I know! Only fourteen years to get us working together in the kitchen again), had some delicious wine (thanks mom and dad!), yummy food, and a lot of fun.

As for what it means to be married fourteen years, I give you this little anecdote: At a friends wedding we were dancing to some slow songs at the end, I couldn't remember the last time we'd danced together, and as we danced our boys came out on the dance floor. For two dances those boys just sort of hovered around us waiting anxiously to get to the pool, reminding us that we'd said 3 minutes until pool time. That's what happens when you've been married awhile and have kids. You dance with your kids hovering about and laugh at how funny it has to look and just feel blessed that you have each other and your kids and good senses of humor.

My brain

2011-05-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

My memory is off. Others like to say it's normal; that everyone has some memory loss as they age, have children, have stress; but for me it's more.

Today I went to light a candle and instead tried to light my mug of coffee. Not in an offhand picking it up without looking at it way; I actually was paying attention and picked up the mug of coffee and then tried for a bit to light it. Usually when I have these kinds of moments I'll get a feeling that's something's not right and try to figure it out. I looked again and after a second or two realized I was in fact trying to light a mug of coffee instead of the candle.

There's something about all of these memory issues that is just really off and I know it. I don't always realize right away what specifically is wrong, but I get a sense that there is something definitely not right and I have to work to figure it out. I now understand the confused or blank look I've seen older people get. It's because you know you are doing something off but you're just not sure of what it is. Or you know that you know something but you can't access it.

So far today I have forgotten I was folding laundry, tried to light my coffee like a candle, and forgot to return a phone call. All in all, not a bad day. I have lists all over, reminders, and sometimes I wonder how I'll be in a few years if I'm already like this at 35. I wonder if this is permanent or if it could get better with some kind of treatment.

I've always been a little scatterbrained, I used to joke that I'd read so many books that my mind couldn't keep up. Now I read books to keep my mind working. I play games on my phone and the computer and can tell by my scores what kind of brain day I'm having. The tough days are when I can't understand what I'm doing, can't process what I am reading or watching. I crochet and knit but some days I have trouble remembering how.

Now that I am finding more balance and getting more rest I see that I have less of the really bad days. I have more of a sense of my limits and can mostly stay out of that endless cycle where I burn myself out and then have to rest for days to catch back up. I'm finding my new normal and it's helping. I have more peace about my situation, I'm not as scared or sad or frustrated. I still have those times, but not as much. I feel sometimes like God has given me permission to slow down, to simplify. God knew I needed a change, that I needed to accomodate my health better and he gave me that change through friends, family, and others. It doesn't always seem that way at first, but when i continued to talk to God, to seek Him in my struggles (mostly!), I found peace and comfort. I found it through the words of the Bible, through that voice in my heart, and through loved ones and strangers. I can only hope and trust that God is taking care of me, of us, as He has promised to do.

Gavel Nazing

2011-05-24T14:08:00.001-07:00

The people we know and love have these entire other lives and range if experiences we have no idea of. And when we learn of them we can't really understand them. Maybe parts of them, but not their whole.

My sisters live their adult lives in an area I am slightly familiar with, but not the way I know the place I live. They have different friends and favorite places and familiar grocery stores. I haven't yet seen my youngest sister's house, but I picture them in the places I've seen. They went before away for college, making this whole other life that I only saw glimpses of.

I think of my best friend who I know so well and who knows me so well and that we each have so many experiences we won't be able to share them all.

And my children, who live here with me, that even now they do so much I am no part of it, that as much as I've known them, from their conception on, that there is still much I don't and won't know about them. What will it be like as they grow, as their lives become more and more independent? Sometimes I have this drive to know them; to know all they've done that day, all they are thinking and feeling. I find myself questioning them and stop myself because I know I can't know them so well, that it's irritating and invasive to be asked so much. That's one of things I didn't realize until I had children, just how nosy I was. I think it's because I am so open that I just expect it to be so for others. My poor kids, hopefully I can learn to let them live their lives without having to know all the details.

Healing

2011-05-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

I really, really love the peacefulness of hearing all the different birds outside as the breeze and their whistles and chirps float through the window. I love that summer is coming and spring is here, complete with thunderstorms, although I'm not as fond of the tornadoes. I love seeing all the bushes and trees grow from sparse, barren sticks into full bundles of leaves and flowers. I love hearing the wind rustle through the tree leaves, feeling it come through the open windows and hit my skin in soft, cool waves.

I love the kids tromping off into the woods and coming back with handfuls of flowers that we put into cups and arrange on the counters and tables. I love that one of them found an eagle feather and another is hoping to catch a glimpse of a coyote while all are hoping the wild turkeys stay far away.

We're living now in the places we grew up, and our kids are going on adventures just like the ones we've gone on. Finding the treasures we once found. Discovering secret spots in houses and outside like we once found. Hitting trees with sticks, imagining what you'd do if you did happen upon a turkey or coyote. Climbing onto tree stumps, hiking through the woods, looking in the trees for birds or animals, taken to a place of imagination and magic.

We've been taken from a situation of chaos and plopped into the arms of comfort and simplicity and it feels very, very good.

Lions, Tigers, and Urgent Care, Oh My!

2011-05-11T00:06:00.001-07:00

I'd planned to have a fairly quiet night of picking up and doing some laundry with the kiddos but life had other ideas. Drew fell on and then off a trampoline, falling onto the edge of the trampoline-direct hit to the shoulder-and then onto the ground-direct hit to the shoulder and face. His friend's mom called me right away, and from the sounds of it it was a tough fall to watch. (I'm feeling for her because there's something about any sort of breakage of another person's kid that is enough to induce the worst of the guilt-just in case she reads this I will again say that's why they're called accidents and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.)

Drew was attempting to be pretty stoic, he'd already cried in front of people-something that's pretty tough for a ten year old boy to do-and I could tell he was hurting. He was emphatic that he was fine and there was no need to see any doctors or anything, all while wincing and holding his shoulder. He still had grass embedded in his cheek. I told him I'd rather go to be sure and not have to do a worried visit to ER in the wee hours of the morning, so off to urgent care we went.

The girls got out their homework and settled in for the long haul. A friend and her daughter came in, so we caught up while I filled out paperwork and waited. Then into the exam room with the boys where Drew and I joked and talked to ease his nervousness and I attempted to keep Colin occupied (and stop him from touching the spinning stool/sharps container/blood pressure cuff/light/garbage/the floor/anything else disgusting or fragile & expensive by having him count to various numbers, spell words, and then look for different colored cars through the window.

A nurse, a doctor, and an x-ray later and we learned that there were no fractures, thank you God! just some bad bruising. After picking up some children's ibuprofen and cool ice packs and food for everyone we arrived home just before 8:00pm. So much for that free quiet night where we did a few chores and went to bed early.

We crammed the chores into about a half hour, three people bathed, and got settled in only to have the power go out. Then it was assessing that no one else's power was out and after finding the breaker box and resetting the switch to the miracle of electricity, getting the people calmed down enough to actually fall asleep.

Finally, it is quiet. I laid down with my book and dozed off. Only to be awakened at 2:00am by the weather radio to alert us that severe thunderstorms were coming (not uncommon in Iowa in spring.) So far the thunderstorms aren't that severe. Hopefully they stay that way.

I'll end this fairly banal post by saying that I'm actually pretty surprised that this was our first trampoline-related injury which means that the girls made it 12 years, Drew 10, and Colin 8. We don't have our own trampoline, but many friends do and my parents had one for awhile as well. I was the mean mom when they were young who wouldn't let them go all over the neighborhood and jump on trampolines even though the other kids could. I always felt bad because I know trampolines really are super fun, but I also was pretty paranoid that the odds weren't in our favor and its hard to make sure the kids are following the appropriate trampoline rules while gallivanting the neighborhood. I find it a little ironic (and funny) that given my previous vigilance that our first injury is in a safe place with a friend who takes awesome care of the kids in spite of their penchant for rowdy boy fun. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Mothers

2011-05-07T11:44:00.001-07:00

I became a mom in 1999, inducted in a crazy way with the birth of our twin girls, Abbie & Arenne. It'd taken us a year and a half to become parents and we were having discussions about whether we'd look into seeing doctors or just halting the process and going back to college. We'd just about decided to move to Iowa City and choose college when I found out I was finally pregnant. My husband and I were very, very excited and more so (as well as profoundly shocked) when we learned there were two babies. I remember going to lunch and not saying much beyond wow and oh my, trying to hold back our enormous grins and the overwhelming logistical thoughts of having two babies at the same time. Their coming in to the world was quite eventful, they were born at 30 weeks and spent the first 7 weeks in the hospital. They were lovely babies and we had so much fun (between all the feeding and diaper changing and keeping them out of things); and have grown into such lovely, funny, intelligent, and individual girls.

Drew came along in 2000. Our first two and our third are 16 months apart. I remember my husband in denial that I could possibly be pregnant so soon, our twins were only SEVEN months old! I went to my parents and sat down on the stairs my mom had been vacuuming, started crying, and said, "Mom, I think I am pregnant again. What will I do? I only have two hands!" Drew's birth was wonderful, fun, and even my grandparents from California were able to be there. The girls started walking the day I went into the hospital to have him and were outside in the hallway shrieking and laughing with my parents and grandparents as their little brother was born. Drew was decidedly not an easy baby and his nickname of "Extreme Child" was well-earned. I like to joke that he got all of his angst out of the way in the first two years, he's the most easy-going kid now, as well as quick and funny.

Colin came along in 2002. We'd gone back and forth on having another child and just when the vasectomy talks began we decided we weren't done. I also insisted that we start trying asap because I wanted to do all the stages at once; I didn't want to get out of diapers & potty training only to start all over again. Colin came into the world 3 weeks early, spent a few days in the NICU and has been filling our lives with excitement and hilarity ever since.

This is us, waving goodbye to my sister in 2003 (?), its one of my favorite pictures. Four kids in 3 1/2 years and still standing. We had a lot of fun, went on lots of adventures, and now I have a hard time remembering how I did it. ;)

This is my mom, Laurel, with Abbie & Arenne on our Memorial Day camping trip last year. My mom has taught me so much about being a mom and about being a person. She's given me love, strength, independence, faith, and a sense of humor. She is incredibly funny and quick-witted and showed me how to laugh at life. She has done things in her life that have shown me how to be strong, to put yourself out there, and to perservere. She's shown me how to win and how to fail. She made sure I grew up knowing God; something that means more to me now than ever. She taught me how to love my siblings and how to love my children. She worked in a non-traditional jobs for woman program when I was a baby, working on a road construction crew and later worked her way up in the business world and taught us how to golf, love the Hawkeyes, and appreciate wine. She is a great mom, but an even better grandma. I love that my girls will learn how to love and mother from their grandmas.

Above is my mom's mom, my Grandma Donna, with my nephew Jackson and myself. I love this picture of her laughing and holding Jack Jack. This woman has four kids, eighteen grandchildren, twenty-some (still counting) great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild with another on the way. Unequivocally she has been the biggest supporter and encourager of my interest in literature and writing. When I was a kid she always made me feel loved, her hugs are the best; as an adult she's a tremendous example of how to love others, how to live, and to love and live even through the tough times. She gave, and gives, each and every one of us this tremendous sense of who we are and who we have the potential to be, and that she loves us all no matter what. Her cookie jar has been full for my entire life, always. Never empty. With that many grandkids and greats this is a feat in and of itself. She also remembers each and every birthday and anniversary, something I wish I had inherited.

This is my dad's mom, my Grandma Milly, with my nephew Tommy. The two words often used to describe her are energetic & youthful. She is something to marvel at. She's loved me, encouraged me, and taught me to walk with my spine straight and head high (complete with the book on the head and pulling back of the shoulders). She's taught me what it means to have drive, to be proud of who I am, and helped me get out of bed by popping open the shades and banging on the birthday bell in the mornings. (Once you've heard this sound, you won't forget it.) The rest of the grandkids heard it only for birthdays, but when I lived with my grandparents it was my alarm clock. I don't get to see her as much now, as she and my grandpa live in California, and I definitely miss her hugs. If there was one reason I'd wish for money, it would be so I could visit my family as much as we wanted-or at least more than we've been able to.

All of these women have taught me what it means to mother, to raise and love your children. They've shown me lessons throughout my life, been tremendous examples of who women should be, and that mothering never stops. I continue to learn from them and be loved by them and I am thankful that God blessed me with each of them. For as much as I love words, there just aren't enough to convey the enormity of the love I've been given and continue to receive.

Happy Mother's Day.

I really should be better

2011-05-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

at keeping up with people.

I am no good at sending out letters or emails, cards or notes or even school pictures of my children. I put them up so that I can sit down to cut them out and write the name and year on the back, except I never really get around to that cutting out bit. And then at some point I move them to my photo storage bin (one of many) and then forget until one of my sisters reminds me that I haven't sent pictures in a long, very long, time. I'm thinking I may just give them all at once when they graduate. More efficient, no?

Facebook is helpful for people like me, those of us who think often about sending someone a note or birthday card or pictures of the kids concerts. For when I think, I wonder what so and so is up to, but never get around to emailing, or calling, or even texting.

At one point I won this handy card organizer at an alumni banquet and I was pretty darn excited. I remember sitting down to write everyone's birthdays and anniversaries in it and putting cards in the proper months and getting all the addresses into the handy address book. I was ready, I was organized!

I found that handy card organizer as we moved a few weeks back. With most of the cards still in it, waiting to be written in and mailed out. I also found all of the files I'd once made for the kids' school paperwork-three of them, the girls were in kindergarten and Drew in preschool. I don't think I've had an efficient filing system since.

So, I'm thankful for Facebook, and email, and cell phones. But mostly for my loved ones and friends who still like me no matter how forgetful or scatterbrained or absent I can be.

Walking by Faith?

2011-04-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

I've really loved this song for awhile now, but was recently struck again by the words. I'd sort of been singing along mindlessly when the words I was singing started striking a chord with me. It's not that I'd never paid attention before, but I found myself really listening again and then singing with conviction. Here are the lyrics:

"Walk By Faith" by Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

and a link to a youtube video of it.

Some of my favorite worship time is singing loudly and passionately for God, whether I'm in church, the car, the bathtub, or with my best friend Laura at LifeLight. I've found my volume and passion increase depending on my own comfort zone in each place. Sadly, I've been most subdued in CHURCH. In God's own house I temper myself, something I decided to put a stop to this past Sunday during Easter worship. I had a cold, but I sang out anyway, loudly and passionately in worship of my Savior. It felt good, great, AWESOME. (A friend later said she could hear me through Pastor's microphone, but I was in the very front.)

At LifeLight, Laura and I worship with our whole selves-heart, mind, body, soul-and it is so wonderful. It feels good to fully worship God in song, in prayer, and in praise. Then we come back home, to our Lutheran church home, and we subdue ourselves. We're not so much afraid of what people will think or say, but more of possibly scaring them away-admittedly we can be sort of scary together.

Singing is just one place I do this, this hiding our light thing. How often each day do I shy from walking by faith, of being who God has called me to be? How often do I resist sharing something because I don't want to be all holy roller? Or maybe its as simple as resisting that urge (otherwise known as prompting from the Holy Spirit) to pray with someone, to say hello, to stop and take time to talk?

The reverse of this is how often do I actually rejoice in my sufferings? How often do I lift that cross and walk with it? How often do I pretend to be doing better than I am? I know in my heart that I have been incredibly blessed by the challenges in my life, that they've shaped and formed me as a follower of God, but do I share that?

Am I walking in faith no matter where I am? No matter what's happening in my life?

¹ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.~Romans 5:1-5

We have moved

2011-04-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

and that's my excuse for lack of posting. Our move happened quickly, we were very sad to leave our neighborhood but on to new adventures! The good part of our move was purging A LOT of junk and stuff and now most of what we own fits into a single garage size storage unit, woohoo! Feels good to get rid of all the STUFF.

We've been through some big changes in our family over the past 6 months or so and the best part is that our family has grown closer AND stronger in our faith in God. I can only hope that will continue, through any other struggles we may face.

Not much of the yarny type stuff happening right now, I still need to finish my own furry flip flop, and then we'll see what comes after.

On the reading front I just finished Water for Elephants, which I found to be as good as others had said it would be. I often find myself shying away from really popular books, but was glad I didn't with this one. And I always like to read the book before seeing a movie made it from it, so that's done! I am also doing a couple different Bible studies, continuing to read the Apocrypha-although its been awhile since I've picked it up-as well as a book called Jesus-Experience the Power and Meaning of Christ-and when I can figure out where I packed it-Twelve Ordinary Men.

The rain has been coming down since yesterday and we're expecting SNOW again tonight. This type of weather is no good for my joints so I spent this morning resting-I haven't done enough of that lately and its showing in my inability to sleep and in my brain function (or lack thereof.) I guess its a good reminder of how all of this is helped by getting good rest.

Now to attempt to get moving and get some chores done in the rain-wheeeeee!

They really do grow up very quickly

2011-03-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone that has children talks about how quickly they grow up, and people who know children notice it too. I don't know that I ever really KNEW how quickly until I had some of my own. Abbie & Arenne will be TWELVE next week and I'm feeling like somebody hit fast-forward and forgot to let me know. A couple weeks ago they went to a middle school dance, Arenne is above in the yellow, Abbie in the blue. They take my breath away with not only how pretty they are, but with how grown up they are becoming. It feels like we were just in the throes of baby and toddlerhood, then the grade school days, and now middle school has begun and 6th grade is practically over. What happened to the two of them tromping around in plastic dress up heels dragging the skirts of my old prom dresses behind them? Now they're in middle school in their own dresses and going to dances and in the band and into their own music and trying out for cheerleading.

Time FLIES when you are raising children, more so than you ever think you can fathom when you are having them. One minute you're pregnant and the next you're talking about puberty with them. The challenge is enjoying just where they are and not babying them while not letting them go out and take the car to the store. (HOLY COW the permit age is creeping up WAY TOO QUICKLY!)

I was recently asked if the girls are very different, a question parents of twins field quite often. And usually the answer will be yes. They are very different, just like all siblings and it seems as they grow older they really want to emphasize their individuality. It can't help to look just like each other. For a lot of years their interests were pretty similar, at least as far as sports and extra activities, but as they grow up I see them choosing their own paths (as all kids are wont to do.) A small part of the protective mom in me wants to reach out and hold them close, for so long I've had a sort of safety in numbers comfort as they've been together in most situations. But the bigger part of me is so excited to see them grow and be who they are; to watch them becoming themselves more and more. It's pretty cool to watch people grow up, to get to see them explore who they are and make their own decisions. I just hope I can allow them to do and be without holding them back, to be supportive and encouraging. This becomes especially challenging with hormones involved-my own included!-and I can honestly say I never knew how patient I could be until I had girls hit puberty. May the Lord be with us all as we keep growing, and keep me reminded to enjoy it as it happens and rejoice as these times become memories and more are made.

My devotion from today

2011-03-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

March 30, 2011

The LORD will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

Psalm 138:8, NLT Every person dreams and makes plans for the future. Then they work hard to see those dreams and plans come true. But to make the most of life, we must include God’s plan in our plans. He alone knows what is best for us; he alone can fulfill his purpose for us. As you make plans and dream dreams, talk with God about them.

(from the Life Application Daily Devotion email)

I always love these moments where I definitely see God speaking to me through His word. Or maybe I should say those moments where I hear and recognize God speaking to me through His word! This devotion is one of those. God has brought some big changes our family's way over the past few months and as we adjust and try to chart our course I need to keep reminding myself to seek God and His will for our lives. I may not know where He is leading us, but I do know He is taking care of us every step of the way.

Last night we had some big discussion about what our plans are in adjusting to my no longer working and seeking help from Mayo, as well as other pretty big things going on in our lives and I love that I can openly talk with my kids about how we all need to pray as we face uncertainties and fears and that before I can even finish the verse we said Jeremiah 29:11 together:For God has plans to prosper and not to harm you!

I'm blessed to have my family and so blessed to have my faith in God. Praise to you Oh Christ!!!!

Alright, so I goofed up

2011-03-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

and maybe its my lack of brain function? My niece's birthday was actually March 19th. I KNOW this. I do, really. But somehow I decided on the 17th it was on the 17th. I have no excuse. Forgive me Jozie bird! Aunt Lisa really does know when you're birthday is, I promise! Jozie is now officially two and I may be biased, but she's just a fantastically lovely and hilarious little person. I love how she is so just herself all the time in all the moments. I think that may be why I love being with little kids so much, they really are themselves without all these filters and walls and boundaries and rules we throw up as we get older. We need some of those, but let's be honest in that we could really do without quite a lot of the parameters we put on ourselves as "grown-ups."

In that spirit, I'll keep on blogging and throwing out there the stuff others may try to hide or hold back. I have a quote on my wall in my office that says, "People don't expect you to be perfect-they already know you aren't. What they want you to be is honest! So let them see your struggles, not just your successes. We usually grow as much from others' weaknesses as we do from their strengths." I read that in a devotion (possibly Purpose Driven Life) and immediately typed it up and put it on my wall. We sometimes try to hide all those things about ourselves but I've been much too open in my life to let that hold me back. Thankfully I married someone who has helped me to learn when I should hold back, unfortunately I don't always listen to him.

I've really been dealing so much with the ups and downs of my physicality and health and although I know I've grown so much in relying on God rather than myself, I still struggle with it. I can say honestly that I have never trusted God as fully as I do at this point in my life, everything really is in his hands. I know from the Bible that it all definitely is in his hands, but I know I have most certainly deluded myself for a lot of years into thinking I have some sort of control over things. BUT I DON'T and I am now in a place where I know that absolutely. I don't even know from day to day how my brain will be functioning, much less trying to micromanage everything around me.

I had a pretty rough day on Monday. I couldn't get out of my funk, I was just sad and defeated and IN A FUNK. I continued to get pulled down, more and more. I was down, tears fell, and I could feel myself infecting the rest of my family with my doldrums. I kept turning to things to try to distract myself, or somehow feel better and nothing seemed to be working. I finally sat down and picked up my Bible Study. And then one of my girls sat with me and picked up her Lenten devotions and read me a question from it, "What things in your life turned out easier than you expected?" First of all, I stopped short because I realized that the entire day I'd been searching in all the wrong places. I'd like to say that I turn to God first, but in reality I still turn to places I know won't help. But I am growing and can say that I turn to God a whole lot more now than in years past and I'm very thankful for that. The second thing that struck me when Abbie asked the question was how difficult I found it to actually answer the question. I could think of lots of things that were harder than I expected, those answers popped up right away; but thinking of things that were easier left me really searching.

It speaks to my focus and where I'm at. Some days its easy to answer that question, I can find tons of things that were easier than I thought they'd be and a great example would be my latest batch of testing. I'd expected to be there for much of the day and for things to take a long time and be a lot more difficult to get through. Instead, the nurses and doctor were fantastic and they had me in an out of there in just a few hours. It went much BETTER than I'd expected. Which again, speaks to where my focus is. I could argue that in expecting things to be tougher I am pleasantly surprised when they aren't, but in reality I know that if my focus is on the more negative aspects how can I expect myself to really be looking at my life through eyes of faith? Am I continually expecting to be disappointed by my circumstances, and in effect by God? Am I only positive on the good days? How can I be positive on the rough ones? Or at the very least have some better expectations?

Oh how I need to continue to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-14. BIG TIME. ¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” "

Halfway through March...Really?

2011-03-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe we're halway through the month of March and celebrating St. Patrick's Day. We're also celebrating the birthday of my niece, Jozie (pictured above), who turns 2 today! I cannot believe how fast she is growing up, and I should be used to it seeing my four grow up so quickly. We'll be going to her birthday party tomorrow night, pretty excited for that. :)

Below is Laura in her finished hat, I am so pleased with how it turned out and Laura is pleased I have pictures in a more matching shirt. It's such a good feeling to make things for people you love.

Next we have Abbie in her track stitch beret, in a pretty blue. Unfortunately the band is a tad too snug, so I'll be making her another. It still astounds me when I use the same hook, yarn, and pattern for a project as one I've previously made and it turns out to be a different size. I'd thought my tension was pretty set, apparently not! I don't have anymore of this blue, will need to get some more for a slightly larger version.

I've been absent again, mainly because I haven't felt like writing (not that I do a whole lot of that anyhow). My family doctor has taken on getting me set up with Mayo, unfortunately they didn't get the process started a week and a half ago when I was in, but after some follow up calls the process is started!). I'm now waiting to hear from Mayo, after they look over my records and decide what to do with me. I've had some kind of respiratory illness that's kicking my behind, but am on antibiotics to hopefully clear it up. Things have been up and down for me as usual and I went through some sleep troubles, but am able to sleep more again, thankfully.

I've also been up and down in my relationship with God, I find myself getting down because of my lack of function and stuck in pain and have a harder time reading the Bible and connecting to God. Usually music helps during those times, but sometimes I'm even staying away from that. Last week, in spite of feeling pretty horrible, I made it to church to teach Confirmation and attend Ash Wednesday service. I asked God to keep me from infecting others with my growliness during my usual pre-Confirmation prayer (where I always ask for his guidance in teaching and talking with the kids.) As usual, God was with me and we had a good class. Worship was absolutely healing. We sang At the Foot of the Cross, one of my very favorite songs, and I found myself feeling so blessed and comforted. Ash Wednesday service is so meaninful to me now, where once it was just another service to attend. It was interesting to talk with the Confirmation kids about what Ash Wednesday is, and to remember how far I've come in my faith. I found myself struck by how little my own girls knew about it, and was reminded of how little I once knew about it.

I'm so thankful to have grown so much in my faith, to be so much more connected to God. Thankfully he is always there, I just need to remember to hold my own end of the relationship (something which I fail at regularly, not only with God, but with friends and family as well.) I love them all so much and still find it a struggle, which it really shouldn't be. I'm thankful that they all love me in spite of that.

Last week I had a rough day full of emotion and lots more crying-as much as I like getting the emotion out, I really dislike doing it. During that I said to my husband that I have nothing, aside from myself, to bring to the table. I have only myself and who I am and what I can do, which lately is not much in terms of job and activity, etc. Now, during my non-misery times I know that I bring a lot to the table in terms of who I am and how I love, but in those miserable times it doesn't always feel like much. Fast forward to last night's Lenten service where the theme was...Nothing. I shouldn't be surprised by these serendipitous moments, but I continually am and blessed to have them. During his sermon PT said "Jesus + Nothing=Everything" So very, very true.

In yarn news

2011-02-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

I've been really into hats lately. I made the hat for my friend Laura, which turned out to be on the large side-its called oversized in the pattern so we were warned. She asked if I could do something to make it a little smaller so I did! I knit an i-cord and weaved it into the band of the hat, and then crocheted a flower to wrap the i-cord around and tie to hold it in place. I am really pleased with how it turned out and hope Laura will be too.

Next I attempted a hat for myself, also in Paton's Bamboo Silk, with the Track Stitch Beret pattern from Red Heart. My yarn was lighter

weight than what the pattern called for, and I used a slightly smaller hook for said yarn, so in spite of making the larger (medium) size instructions

its still a tad small for me. It is perfect for my girls though! Arenne snatched the first one up last night and wore it to school today-which must mean she likes it, and I'll be making another for Abbie next. Here's Arenne in her new hat and a close up of the hat when I finished it.

And a little not yarn news, because he's so cute and I'm a mom so its my job to boast! Drew had his fourth grade vocal concert last week, which was awesome. What was even cooler was that Drew's artwork was chosen for the big slideshow during one of the songs, and was displayed in the hallway outside. Here he is with his reproduction of a famous image:

I'm pretty proud of him and his painting is amazing, he put in a lot of detail and is definitely talented in the artwork department.

Frustating Health Update

2011-02-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

This week I went in to get my test results from the neurologist, and also have come down with yet another virus. I'm miserable and frustrated and just not great company.

The good news: nothing showed up on the tests. No MS, no weird arteries, nothing in the spinal fluid, no tumors, or aliens (that we have the technology to see.) This isn't just good news, its incredibly fantastic news.

The bad news: still no diagnosis and it felt as if the neuro hadn't really even glanced much at my chart from when I was there 3 weeks ago until Monday. She re-asked questions (and not like she was testing my abilities in doing so) and had me do certain things again, gave me a prescription (for pain-which has never been part of my conversations with her, nor is it my primary focus) and said come back in 6 months. There were other things that really, really bothered me as well. She basically said that the a brain biopsy would be the next test-which she doesn't want to do and neither do I-at all, ever. She doesn't want to treat me for the vasculitis because of my age. My frustration with all of this is that I continue to see doctors and seek answers and am put off to wait-for months at a time-because they aren't getting results from the tests. Meanwhile, I continue to detiorate at a fairly rapid rate. If the past six months are any indication I could lose even more brain function and more control of my body.

The downside of these kinds of illnesses is that just because the tests don't turn anything up, it doesn't rule out the disease. So, no signs are good, but I still don't have an answer. I'm not being given information on how to be proactive about this, just being told to wait. Meanwhile, my body continues to fail as does my mind.

All of this has made me see (again, as I needed to relearn) how important it is that I am eating right and doing what I can to be as healthy as I can.

I'm surprised that in my visits, I am not being given information on living healthier, I am not being given information on what I can do to help myself with my brain function and mindy/body coordination, just given prescriptions and sent off to wait.

Plan of action is to get into Mayo, where an entire team of doctors will be working together-which definitely does not seem to be happening for me at the moment-and hopefully helping me figure out how to be proactive with whatever is happening to me.

More Actually Finished Projects!

2011-02-15T12:25:00.001-08:00

Here is my good friend Laura modeling her new hat. :) It's a an oversized beret and perfect for her to put all of her curly hair into. It turned out much better than expected, as its one of the first of this kind I've knitted. I had a bit of trouble with the pattern as well, but modified it a little and it worked out fine. It's a nice soft bamboo which I'm pretty sure is my new favorite yarn to work with.

Below is a dishcloth I whipped up yesterday, totally random crochet-I did rows of single crochet and then threw in a row of double crochet here and there. Made with Sugar 'n Cream Twist in Country Twists. I like having something mindless that I don't have to think about or follow a pattern with for when the brain isn't working as well.

Almost finished with the hat for Laura!

2011-02-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

This mishapen bit of knitting will be a hat if I can turn up any of my darning needles. I'm always buying extras but can never seem to find any when I really need one. Thinking maybe I should buy a a whole case of them.

When Laura and I were out shopping for her hippie outfit she found a hat she loved and I said "I could probably make one like that!" Usually I start these projects and then just never seem to finish them, but I am DETERMINED! The knitting is now done, I just need to sew it up. I am not sure whether I'd rather knit in the round and use dpn's or sew up the seams. At this point I'm leaning toward the dpn's.

In other news, I am reading a lovely book called The Beach Street Knitting Society and Yarn Club by Gil McNeil and I'm really, really liking it. I want to devour it, but at the same time I don't want it to end. I did find myself thinking that knitting while reading a book about knitting is a tad obsessive. I am also continuing to read Crazy, Sexy, Diet when I'm not reading the other book and am in Chapter 2 and learning about pH levels in food. I very much like the author's way of explaining things and she is pretty darn funny, so even though I am not normally big on diets or non-meat eating I highly recommend this. If she can potentially convert someone like me, others should find it even more enjoyable.

As I am not totally converted yet we'll be having a nice Valentine steak dinner (which will be chefed up as usual by the husband) and maybe I'll get crazy and do some chocolatey dessert. The author does recommend not starting the diet right before holidays or birthdays, and I fully agree!

Now, off on the quest for a darning needle and then hopefully a nap.

Happy Valentine's Day. :)

2011-02-12T15:21:00.001-08:00

My fantastic Aunt Traci sent me a message suggesting we do this diet together. My first response to the word diet is to run and hide and plug my ears. Then I see that it's a vegetarian diet. Ack! No way, no how! I'm pickier than most small children in my eating habits, stubborn and set in my ways. Really.

But, I trust Traci and I love her and I'm excited she'll be living near me. She knows more than I what it means to have a disease and be limited by your own health, to face your own mortality. Instead of hedging and pretending I had an excuse to not do this I went to get the book. It's called "Crazy Sexy Diet" by Kris Carr. In true me form I find myself sitting with my latte, having just devoured a triple chocolate brownie, but I'm reading the book.

And so far I like it.

Don't faint

2011-02-11T15:35:00.001-08:00

but this is really two days of posts in a row. Thought I would throw up some yarny type pictures.

Here are Arenne & Abbie modeling the scarves I made them. I intended to have these done for Christmas, but in true me form I didn't finish them until January. I really love how they turned out, except I'm still not sure why one is longer than the other. I call them the asymmetrical scarves as one color is two thirds of the scarf and the other one third. One color of each is a bamboo yarn, the other merino. I made them the same-or so I thought.

Also, can you believe how OLD my girls are?!?! They are 11, will be 12 in April.

This is a bracelet I made using decorative trimming, crocheted and looking quite fancy, modeled by Abbie.

And this is my good friend Laura, who was dressing as a hippie for a work party and needed a headband. I found some decorative trimming and knitted this up. The butterfly is a barrette attached. We (she) did learn that decorative trimming can be itchy, so I will watch out for that with future purchases. I'm really liking how it works up and am looking forward to making some fun stuff for the girls with different kinds of it. This is what lead to the bracelet above.

Hopefully I'll be back to post a few more pictures soon. Sooner at least than 6 months from now!

And into another year

2011-02-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Even with the best of intentions, I am a failure at regularly updating this blog. I'm sure to have lost any readers I may have had, including my faithful friends.

Here we are and many months have passed. Life has thrown some pretty big changes my way, and I am now facing the loss of my job as I am just not able to keep up with it, my family, and my health issues. The church has really gone above and beyond in accommodating me with my illness and its hard to face that the time has come for me to to be done working. It feels to me like I'm throwing in the towel somehow, even if I know in reality that's not true. It still feels like a form of giving up and giving in to this illness. So, now we are into the fun-filled process of seeking disability and I am facing no longer being able to work. Maybe if I hated my job it would be different, but I very much love what I do and for so long have felt that God called me to be where I am in the church. Finding out I could no longer do it was pretty devastating and its taking me time to absorb.

Along with that is facing that this isn't some health issue that will eventually go away (although I've known that for awhile, just put off facing the inevitable.) I've recently gone through testing to see if it could be Central Nervous System Vasculitis-which is something I suspected awhile back and promptly shoved to the back of my brain. My continued loss of control of my body and my brain have made it impossible to ignore and thanks to God throwing some heavy stuff and good friends and family my way I am back on track in seeking a diagnosis. Going through illness with a lack of a diagnosis is wearying, whether its months or years. I am now in my seventh year with whatever this disease (or diseases) is (or are). I was diagnosed with Polyarteritis Nodosa, but there was talk that they may not have been correct due to some test level, and even that shouldn't be causing all of the issues I am having. For awhile they were thinking PAN with Multiple Sclerosis, but no sign of MS in any MRI or lumbar puncture over the past 7 years. My brain shows some slight degeneration, but of the sort that can be benign...or not. So now I've gone for a lumbar puncture, CT angiogram, and bloodwork to see if CNS vasculitis is making its mark. For some reason I was drawn to this disease about 3 years back and now here it comes again. I am not borrowing trouble, the trouble is here and I'd just like to know what sort it is and treat it.

All of this means that the past month has been full of some pretty darn big changes and uncertainties for my husband and I and our family. The disease is not only affecting my body quite significantly, but also my cognition and memory which in turn has negatively affected my ability to work. So, we're back to one income and may not be able to stay in our house and have lots of medical debt and are worried about health insurance and my coverage.

But, in what should be the most distressing and fearful time of our lives (outside of the girls' births and my later near death experience), we have been showered with so much love and have come together as a family in holding each other up. God has blessed us in a multitude of ways, and I am so thankful for everyone He is working through and those who have come out of the woodwork to show us care and love. I'm holding on to these verses (11-14) from Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring will you back from captivity. I will you gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Many of us know verse 11, but I'm clinging to the whole passage. When I share with people, I often stop at the end of verse 13, or am tempted to stop partway through verse 14. The rest seems so, well, harsh. It's a letter sent by the prophet Jeremiah to the "surviving elders among the exiles and to the priests, the prophets and all the other people Nebudchadnezzar had carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon." Its a letter to from God to His people who had been exiled. You see, God's people of Israel, referred to in the Bible as His chosen ones, His children, were thrown into exile. Their journey is a long one, fraught with many instances of turning away from God and willfully choosing their own way over God's. A few years back I read through the Bible front to back for the first time in my life. As I read through the Old Testament I found myself so frustrated with God's people because they JUST KEPT DISOBEYING HIM. Like little children who choose their own way in shortsightedness. And then one day, I realized that I am doing the very same thing, over and over, when I choose to live life on my own without Him, in all the big and small ways I choose my own path over His, and willfully delude myself into thinking I'm not really turning away from Him, not really sinning. But I am, A LOT. MUCH OF THE TIME! And here I was so frustrated with the Israelites in the Old Testament, couldn't they see what they were turning from?!?! How many more ways did God need to show them His love, His miracles? Manna from heaven??? The plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, so many things that God had already shown them and they DIDN'T GET IT!

And then I realized that not only do I have those events, but I have the entirety of the Bible and all of the miracles it contains and that I know of the most precious miracle and gift of all-His Son, Jesus, who came to save me from my sin. And I have all of those moments in my own life where I know God has been working. And, just like those Israelites, I still turn to myself instead of to Him. The letter in Jeremiah 29 is God's message that for every one of us who is "in exile" He is still there for us, still loving us, still there with His arms open wide with plans to PROSPER and NOT TO HARM US, still there with HOPE AND A FUTURE. It's that love and that hope that I cling to, that I hold fast to, and that sustains my family and I right now. I am praying to God, and I admit I do not know where or how things will happen in our lives. I don't know how this disease will progress, I do not know if we will need to find a new place to live, I do not know how we'll keep up with healthcare and rising medical debt. I do know that God loves me and my family and that even when things are seeming to crumble around us, they really aren't, God is there, answering our prayers even when we may not realize it right away. And when that realization comes, wow. I am thankful that now in my walk with God I am quicker to see it, faster to realize it, and the best part is that usually I am thanking and praising Him in very short order for the blessings He gives us.

Hellooooooooooooo

2010-06-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

Once again, I've been absent for half the year. At least anyone who's read my blog knows this happens much more often over the past few years-if any of those people ever even check back. I wouldn't blame them if they don't.

I go so long I forget my login information. It's downright sad.

So, where am I? Health issues still plague me, the latest round is high blood pressure which has laid me out for about two weeks. It seems to be under control again, I hope. I'm on a new NSAID which really seems to be helping with the arthritis and I'm hopeful I may be able to live a life more like a 34 year old and less like a 74 year old. A 74 year old with arthritis, as one of my grandmothers proves-there are many 70 and 80 year olds far more fit and mobile than myself!

I'm home with a night off, the boys have gone to Okoboji and my girls are at a sleepover. Going to the lake is a blessing for my husband and boy does he need it dealing with me, the kids, the house, and the job on his "regular time." The benefit is I get a bit of a break as well.

Things have been fairly rough on the health side of it, but hopefully I'll continue to see improvement, I'm really looking forward to it.

As a fun aside, we discovered a stray cat mama and five kittens in our shed. The kids want to keep all of them, the husband and I (and our two house cats) are not in agreement. But they are pretty darn cute. Now, I've got to figure out what to do with them all.

Some people...

2010-01-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Just back from the school run where I got dirty looks and glares for where I dropped my youngest off at primary school. As with most schools, drop off and pick up times at our schools are crazy and the school tries to minimize the insanity by designating certain doors for certain groups. We are fortunate to have a few drive-through routes at our primary school. The side is used for Kindergarten-2nd, with a sort of separate area for K and the front of the building is designated for preschool, preK, and handicapped & special needs as it is closer to walk to and has lots of handicapped parking. I've been given permission to use it since the girls began going to school there for preschool.

During my healthier times I use the side drop-off, otherwise I use the front, especially for the youngest who is a bit of a lollygagger and easily distracted. This way I can pull up and drop him off and am able to see him walk to the door and into the school a few feet away. It also saves me having to get out and walk him up. If I do need to walk him in, it saves me a lot of walking and exertion that is better spent elsewhere and often is pretty painful for me.

Today I was in the lane dropping Col off and there were more than a few other parents using it due to cold and snow who would normally use the side lane so it was congested and backed up, but this is pretty normal. As I sat waiting to be able to pull out I had two women (other moms) walk out of the building look at the congestion, talk to each other and then begin glaring at various people, myself included. I happened to be straight in the line of fire, and I really do understand their frustration, especially when you have little children or special needs children and value that lane. I know that what to some may seem a small convenience it can be a HUGE help to others and save some steps and energy.

What gets me is how judgemental others can be, so focused on their own needs that they fail to realize that even though others may not appear to have limitations they just might. Unless you see me walking, and sometimes even when you do, you'd not really know I have a disease. You wouldn't see that I am not a healthy, able person. I get a lot of looks like the ones today.

I generally try to not use shortcuts, as if to prove I am able and that I can do it. I end up wasting energy and pushing myself far beyond my limits and half the time, its because of those looks. I don't want to be seen as using something others may need more than me. But, I do need those things and I end up hurting myself by pushing too far. I use the handicapped stall in the bathroom, I use the shorter lane at the school, I park as closely as possibly at stores and its not because I don't care that others may need it. It's because I need it, even if I don't appear to.

I know it won't stop and I also know I've found myself doing the same to others and I'd like to kick myself for it. How many times have I sat in judgement of someone using the same things and feeling as if I had more of a right to it? How many times have I been frustrated with someone for appearing to be healthy and able and using things they "shouldn't." I am more attuned to it, but if even those of us who are not able do it how can we expect those without an understanding of our limitations to do any differently?

Wow. April was the last time I posted?

2010-01-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

Oh my. The absent blogger again returns. Le sigh.

Home desktop is online again, yay! I also have a fancy iPhone as well, so hopefully I will return a tad more often. Sheesh, even once a month would be good at this point.

Here's what's happened since April: family, work, church, family, work, church. I also have a new niece (Joe's brother & his girlfriend) and now my sister is expecting in June. YAY! We had everyone back for the holidays which was wonderful and now are settling into the post-holiday crash. My illness has been up and down, with a lot of downs. I have a new rheumatologist who I really like but have only seen once, I go back on the 11th. I am hopeful that he will be able to help me live to the fullest and not just try to treat the pain. For the first time ever I kept track of all the books I read in 2009. I made it to 198, including all the books of the Bible. It was really cool to see all I have read and thanks to some other voracious readers I am now on Goodreads.com (link to come when I am less lazy) and loving tracking the books I've read there. ESPECIALLY because more than a few times I've gotten books only to get a few pages in and realize I've already read them. I had hoped to make it to 200, since I was so close, but spent time with family instead. Next year maybe.

This year I am going to try Project365, although if my blog posting is any indication I might make it a month. Hoping to go through the year though!!!

It's good to be back. Aaaaaah.

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Merry Christmas and peace and love to you all. May you receive and recognize God's blessings throughout the year!!!!

Here I am again!

2009-04-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Obviously by my last posts things have been up and down for me and much of my energy is spent with the kids and the husband and at work, the rest is for things like showering and getting dressed and doing laundry. Otherwise I sleep or read or try to rest. Good times, good times.

I guess one of the better offshoots of my illness is that I've been forced to seriously focus on the important things and have to let the rest go. At this point it's family and work, and friends when I can. Good, but frustrating because I miss my friends! Also, I miss walking normally and my brain. Sigh lol. Actually the brain is still functioning at a pretty good rate and I am really, really, really, really thankful for that.

The home computers have been acting up so that limits the online time. The laptop is refusing to charge and the wireless doesn't like to pick up the signal from the room we call "my cave" where I do a lot of my convalescing. I've had to confront my internet addiction and not by choice *sob*

In better and more exciting news I FINALLY FOUND MY IPOD!!!! We had packed it away for the move and then it was not surfacing during the unpacking I've done. (Note that there is quite a bit of unpacking still to do, even though its been MONTHS AND MONTHS since we've moved. We're also those kind of people who still had unpacked boxes from the move previous to this one which had been 8 years before.)

So right now I am updating the Ipod and REALLY excited about it. Yeeeeehoooooooooo!!!!! I have missed you my little friend.

There goes the laptop charging again, that's it for now.

It's April 4th

2009-04-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

and snow is in our forecast. Yesterday the kids were running around without even a jacket on. A few minutes ago a bird was chirping away outside.

Snow?

Thanks to a friend I was able to get everything done for work and now I have gotten to hole up in my house in comfy jammies all day. I finished reading the The Shack and I loved it.

The kids occasionally break out in fights and then I put them to work. If they have time to fight, they have time to clean. Ha Ha! On a funnier note, one of my kids is crawling/sneaking through the living room and thinks I don't know it. He just popped up and said "I'm funny." That he is.

2009-04-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

The blogs have been few and far between for me, I seem to do more reading of others than posting on my own. Many times it is because I use much of my brain power at work and am too tired to try to get it revved up again. Others it is because my brain, hands, or body have decided not to work that day.

Today is a pain day. Not so long ago I prayed to God to allow my brain to continue to function, to be able to think and remember and retain that. I told God that the body could go but to allow my brain to remain as unaffected as possible. I was reminded of that prayer today as I am burdened with an overwhelming amount of pain. I had some inkling it was on the way yesterday when my skin hurt. I went to cross my legs and the contact stung. My clothes were unbearable and when I got home I couldn't find comfort in sitting or laying.

The night was rough and restless and it has continued into the day. I just hurt. A lot. This cold I have seems worse again today and this is a day where I am tested in trying to retain my humor and patience. I spent the day trying to rest and was able to sleep for a bit. I needed to get to work, to my kids, get things ready for the last of the midweek services tonight. The thought of just sitting up overwhelmed me. Walking to the bathroom would be painful as my legs tried to bend and the bottoms of my feet would ache as I stepped. I knew the water would hurt hitting my skin in the shower. Just this would leave me breathing heavy as if I had had a workout.

I'd still need to get dressed and into the car and off to the church. Once there would come more and just the physical part was intimidating.

Then my phone rang and it was my friend Laura. She was feeding my kids dinner and watching them until and through service and my husband could get there. I cried.

She admonished me to call when I needed help and to remember to keep people (friends) updated on how I was doing so they could help.

It's hard to accept that I am limited. All the things I want to write about this seem trite or cliched and nothing can capture that frustration adequately. I don't like not being able to do even simple things, I don't like not doing things I feel I should be doing. I don't like not being there when I am expected to be. I don't like needing help.

In all this I reminded of how fortunate I am to have God and friends and family who care and are here and want to help. This disease would be a lot worse for all of us-me, the kids, and the husband-without all of them.

post from 1-21-09

2009-01-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following on 1-21-09, but blogger was down for maintenance and I am finally getting around to adding it. :)

So, the brain is not working well again today. I am losing words and even forgetting what I am saying mid-sentence. *poof* it's just gone. It's hard to concentrate on anything or form thoughts, or really read anything. Gets frustrating.

I very much again wish I had the digital camera as yesterday I received a really cool gift. It's our last name, crocheted with crochet thread and it is beautiful. My friend had her sister make it and then she set it on black velvet and framed it. I was really overwhelmed by it, it is gorgeous and I was very touched by the gift. Can't wait to put it up on the wall in our newish house.

I am still around, still working with the yarn, and hoping to be able to think a little better tomorrow.

You know what?

2009-01-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

I am actually still crocheting and knitting. You probably can't tell because I seem to barely post about it anymore.

I can't post pictures as the digital camera is suddenly not turning on. Need to contact Kodak as that sucker is just barely a year old. I was pretty bummed to be camera-less through the holidays.

So, I am slowly working on ponchos for the girls out of some super soft variegated yarn one purple, one pink, knitted. I was going to do the two panel style where you sew them together, but I might do the asymmetrical where you do one big rectangle and sew it up. I had made one of the purple panels for Abbie's but it is WAY WAY too small so I'll have to frog it and start over. I moved on and started a large rectangle for Arenne's as I didn't have the heart to immediately frog the purple.

Its slow going as my hands are not always wanting to work as they should, but I am plugging along. I am determined to keep going with the yarn fun for as long as I possibly can, and now I've decided I can call it therapy for the small motor skills. Tee Hee.

I've done a few dishcloths and now that its cold I can get back to the blanket for my sister. So, there it is folks, the yarn is still abundant in the Blue house (much to Mr. Blue's chagrin) and I am plodding along with it.

welcome to 2009

2009-01-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the fact that we are almost 10 years in the 2000's really surprises me. I'm sure part of it is not feeling as if I can possibly be the age I am.

The holidays were really fun for us at the Blue house, it was wonderful having all of my siblings home and hanging with the little nephew man who is so absolutely adorable and hilarious and awesome. Seeing my kids be so caring and fun with him was really great and I was very sad to leave them last night. It'd be nice if we all lived near each other, but for now we have to make the most of the time we're together-which we generally do.

I also took a good amount of down time from work, I didn't realize how much I needed it, but it's been very good for me. Nice spending the time with my family and children and just having fun with each other. Also had tons of my mom's delicious cooking which is always welcome and much enjoyed.

Then to today, where I forgot I had a doctor's appt. I completely and absolutely forgot. The husband had the car at work, I was home with the kids and I remembered late this afternoon that I was supposed to go to the neurologist at 11:30 today. This is not good and I now will have to call to see when they can get me in, and I hate missing appts and wasting people's time.

My body has been moving fairly decently with only some mild hiccups. I did have a twitch/jerk episode in front of my sisters' which they haven't really seen before, but they handled it well and just went right on with the conversation. I love that they know me well enough to do this for me, and that they didn't need me to explain or anything. My mind has not been working as well though-as evidenced by the missed doctor's appt. It's just not as sharp, I am losing words more frequently and unable to remember details. Almost as if I am in a fog.

I usually play some online word games or puzzle games to sort of exercise my brain, I haven't really researched whether this has been researched to be helpful but I am pretty sure I read somewhere that it was. It seems to help at least. But, I don't have the drive to even try them right now, its too much work.

I have had days where I could almost forget I have a disease. It is really, really freeing and I am happy to have them. It was nice to not be constantly reminded that I am a *gasp* sick person. I was around family who didn't ask me all the time how I was, who didn't expect me to explain anything, and just accepted me how I was. I had good days physically. I am trying to keep these things at the top of the list and be thankful for them instead of getting sucked down by the bad.

So far, a pretty good start to 2009. No Ozzy shuffling, no inability to walk, not as much pain. Hoorah!

Merry Christmas & Happy End of the Year!

2008-12-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

Figured I should get on here at least once more before the end of the year.

No big updates, I've seen my nephrologist once since the MRIs, no big bad scary things on the MRI but I am waiting to see the neurologist in the beginning of January for details. It did show that I have arthritis in my lower back, no big surprise there. At least we know it isn't rheumatoid arthritis. Assuming the joint pain in the rest of my body is also more than likely arthritis.

For now I am keeping on with keeping on.

I have had rough days, but had some really great days over Christmas Eve and Christmas, which I was VERY thankful for. I had been worried about handling all of the holiday business without many opportunities for rest, but it went pretty well, all things considered. I seem to be paying for that now though, haven't been able to sleep much and today is pretty rough pain wise. We have decided to stay home and take it easy and try to get the house cleaned up. I'm also hoping to get some rest in this afternoon. Feel like crawling out my skin today and the pain is really uncomfortable. It'd be nice to just be able to wish it away.

Christmas was really wonderful, we had a great time and the kids were so much fun. I think the only thing better than experiencing Christmas as a kid is watching your own kids experience it. My sisters, brother, brother in law, and the little nephew man are all here so that rocks. Its been so good having us all here together and seeing them again. They're here through New Year's-one sister's birthday is on New Year's Eve, WOOHOOO!, so we'll all celebrate together.

I think this may now qualify as the most boring blog EVER, it may be worth it for the couple people reading to go just go ahead and re-read from the beginning, those are a bit more exciting.They are filled with a lot of yarn as well, and the reason I originally started this blog-as evidenced by the title.

MRIs, Blood tests-check

2008-12-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an afternoon full of MRIs. Four in all is what I was told. They asked if I would be able to lay that long and I replied its one of the things I CAN do right now. Thankfully no massive twitches or shake episodes. I did have one neck twitch, but thankfully it was during one of the shorter ones so I didn't have to go through two long ones twice. I was a little nervous beforehand, even though I know it won't hurt I am not a fan of closed in spaces. I was a bit panicky in the beginning but basically laid there and prayed and soon was relaxed.

Then it was off to get a ton of blood drawn for a lot of tests I don't know the names of or remember. This is why I have doctors.

Today I visit my rheumatologist-who I have not seen since before the big ER trip. I sort of assumed the info would be sent to him, but realized he may not even know I have a diagnosis. I've been seeing the genius nephrologist since he diagnosed me in the ER so there's been no need to go to the rheum.

Tomorrow afternoon I am back at the genius nephrologist, hopefully for some answers.

Thankfully the rest is doing me well and I am moving more easily STILL. Let's hope it keeps up.

It's now officially one week since the Mozzy Mania and I am glad to be doing better and not bent over and shuffling. I may or may not still mumble from time to time.

Neurologist-Check.

2008-12-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

I saw the neurologist today, thankfully I did not have to get a spinal tap. I was very nervous about this. One of those was more than enough for me.

I did the usual rundown of strength, etc. tests. Pushing in all directions with hands, arms, feet, and legs; walking (hobbling) around; flipping my hand up and down on my other hand; touching my nose; and all that fun stuff. This was very disheartening for me as the last time I remember doing these things was in 2006 and I have really deteriorated since then. Not at all quick, much less strength, and a lot more give. Responding takes longer as well. I guess I knew these things, but seeing the difference in this way really got to me.

The short of it is that she added a few tests on to what my genius doctor had already ordered and we will see how the MRI and tests go before any decisions are made. She recommended I try physical therapy for the walking, but I will wait until after the tests for this as well. Also recommended I start seeing my rheum again. Haven't seen him since before the big ER visit.

The husband came with and did pretty well, I was glad to have him there and even happier that he didn't need to drive me straight home after a spinal. Whew. I know it is hard for him to see me go through this and that it scares him as well but he is trying not to let it show. I love him for it, but hope he talks to someone if not to me. It's a lot of worry and burden to hang on to. I love that he is there for me. I love that he makes me laugh in the middle of all this stuff and that he takes such good care of our kids and I don't have to worry about that.

Met up with a friend for lunch, good to catch up with her as I have missed her in my health-imposed solitude.

Still walking like Ozzy-or Mozzy as one of my daughters has named me (Mom + Ozzy) and wearing out really quickly. Putting in some hours today and relieved that I am able to do my own work instead of needing someone to do it for me.

And we're off

2008-12-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

tomorrow neurologist visit, blood tests and head & spine MRI on Tuesday, and back to the doctor onThursday. Woohooo!

In the meantime, still shuffling along and trying to rest more.

One of the worst days in awhile

2008-12-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

As far as mobility is concerned. The joint pain/locking up I've been having seems to have moved into my back, as of yesterday. I was having some trouble but was able to get more rest and only worked about four hours until I came home and collapsed on the couch.

Today I woke with nausea and dizziness again. Got the kids off to school and laid down and eventually made some muffins. I went in a little after eleven. Just taking a shower, getting dressed, and into the car had me sweating and weak and breathing as if I'd run a marathon. (I so wish I could run again but I am not sure I ever will.)

I worked through the day, trying to limit my activity as I knew it would be a long one with Advent services starting tonight. I was determined to make it to the service-and through it.

My slow awkward walking soon became an Ozzy like slightly bent over shuffle. I prayed, did a devotional from the chronic pain/illness site I'd found and prayed some more. Worked more. Had a meeting at two and realized I was once again having trouble getting the right words to come out and hold a thread of conversation. Thankfully this only lasted an hour or so. I was also having trouble making my body work as it should, hands weren't cooperating but it wasn't too bad.

I have to admit, usually when I am like this I go home to rest and hide. I don't like being this way in front of other people. I'm uncomfortable with their reactions and of appearing so off. I know everyone is concerned and caring and means well, but it is even more difficult for me to reassure them when I am going through that and having all the pain I've been in. I very much wanted to make it to the Advent Service, I really, really wanted to be there and was determined to get through it. I worked up the energy and tried to throw off the nervousness and shuffled on out for the meal before the service. I made it through.

Until the tremors started and I quickly realized this was turning into one of the jerky/shaky episodes. If I could've hurried I would have to hide. Basically my body and limbs will just twitch and jerk and shake and I have little to no control over it. It's also pretty painful when I am hurting like I am. Plus it looks very freaky and scares people and I just want to hide and be away from everyone when it happens. I made it to my office and wham off we went. I ended up crying in the middle from frustration and pain. Eventually a friend and my husband came in to check on me and I decided to go home. After the jerk episodes everything clenches up and I often have a harder time moving my body, especially my left side. I ended up shuffling out very slowly to the door which I could not open. My husband needed to open it, then help me into the car because I couldn't lift my legs to step up. I then needed help into my house.

I lost it at the door of the church. This is so frustrating and humiliating. I'm trying to handle it with strength and grace, but at 33 I should be able to make it through a day of work and a church service. I shouldn't be walking like an arthritic elderly person and need the door opened for me and be helped into the car and the house.

I see my doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he'll get me straightened out and the side effects aren't too bad.

Living with PAN-the lighter side

2008-11-26T08:49:00.001-08:00

I am having very painful joints and some issues with walking and my brain doesn't always want to work the way it should (more than usual!). I've done two steroid boosts and plaquenil and it doesn't seem to be doing the trick, but I will find out the next course of action on the 4th of Dec. (I was told to prepare to go on the cytoxin again, we'll see.)

Anyhow, I thought I would share a couple of the lighter moments I've had recently.

I am 33 and close with my grandma who is in her 80's, we often attend church together and when we do I usually give her a hand when we walk to the altar to attend communion. There are two steps to walk up and she will use a rail and hold onto my hand for balance. Lately I have not been walking so well, but didn't think we'd have any trouble.

We walk up the steps together and I realize we are a tad wobbly. After receiving communion-where I had knelt down and had some trouble getting back up-we went to go back down and I whispered to her to let me get down the steps first and then I would help her. So I go down, then help her and then we started laughing and she said it was like the blind leading the blind. LOL So true.

The second would've been embarrassing except the lady involved was very nice and had a good sense of humor. I was being checked in for my regular blood draws and the woman at the desk was asking all the regular questions of if my info is still the same, etc. Then she asked what my symptoms were.

I completely drew a blank and could not think of even one of my symptoms.

(WHAT?!?! LOLI live with this everyday.) I tried to buy myself time,"Well, there are so many..." and "I have polyarteritis nodosa" (I could think of THAT but not the symptoms?!)

Still nothing. Not a word, nothing. This has happened before but never with something so obvious and with so many choices.

Then she supplied, "joint pain" YES! That's one.

I then explained that I have some memory and recall issues and this seemed to be one of those times. She said that it must make conversations interesting but that I could probably have fun with that too.

It's Official, not doing well

2008-11-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

I saw my doctor this past week and I am officially still in this flare. The PAN is attacking my joints and I am hurting a ton, having some other issues, and really exhausted. There is also a wicked respiratory thing going through our house, I've been put on a couple medicines to attempt to kick it out and then back on the steroids. I have to go back for tests, they are adding a couple more, in a couple weeks and then see the dr again in 4. He wanted to see me in 3 weeks, but its Thanksgiving and he had no openings. He told me to prepare myself to go back on the cytoxan, but hopefully the steroids will do the trick. (Not holding my breath as they didn't when we tried them a couple months ago for this along with the plaquenil, but still holding a teeny tiny bit of hope.)

So things are not great, but at least my kidneys are still working okay and at this point it does not appear to be affecting any other organs. I am really not ready to go back on the chemo drugs, its been just past 6 months since I came off them. I had hoped I would get a nice reprieve, but no such luck.

In good news we had an awesome Halloween in our new to us house and an even awesomer night when Obama was elected!! And the Hawkeyes beat Penn State today!!!

In other news, that blasted risograph I work with is again NOT WORKING. I had a repair man out on Monday and it decided on Wednesday it was not going to load any new ink and once again none of my troubleshooting efforts are working. Even though I have now gained a lot of risograph troubleshooting knowledge. It loves me, it loves me not...

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

2008-11-04T20:37:00.000-08:00

This is so amazing and I am so happy and crying and excited!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! WE DID IT!!!!!

Go Vote. Now.

2008-11-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

If you have any interest in your healthcare, vote Obama, now. I personally have voted for him for far more than that and it feels fantastic to vote for a candidate I respect and really, really like.

go here

2008-11-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

It's a contest and a good thing and you must click and go here!

just checking in

2008-11-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

Wanted to update, still not doing that great but am a little better. Hurting a lot still, but maintaining, I see my doctor on Tues.-after I go vote for Obama/Biden of course.

so its my birthday

2008-10-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

and normally I am a huge geek for birthdays, be it mine or my children's or really anyone else's. My husband jokes that my birthdays are actually weeklong celebrations and there is a little teensy bit of truth to that, I love to celebrate and will stretch it out as long as I possibly can.

This year is different. Not because I am turning 33 and feeling like that is old or any of the other normal reasons for not being excited about a birthday, but because my health is not great. It's not horrible, but things are pretty rough. I am having a lot of trouble walking and moving, my joints are locking up and I'm hurting quite a bit. Also having more memory issues and some of the myoclonus again. It's really frustrating, I feel way too young to feel this old. It's also a little scary and I am trying not to let myself even think about the what ifs.

So, it took me forever to get going today, just getting the kids to school sapped a good part of my energy. I ended up crying in the shower and I really, really hate letting this get to me. It is though. Made it to work, and the preschool surprised me with a card and sang Happy Birthday and I got lots of little hugs. You've gotta love that.

My own kiddos sang and said Happy Birthday and gave lots of hugs and my sisters sent me a really pretty necklace, I haven't gotten jewelry in forever.

I just wish I could get out of this funk.

No pictures yet...

2008-10-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

my health is not so fantabulous at the moment, mostly I am working, being with my kids, doing some house stuff, and getting ready to turn 33 tomorrow. Okay so I really don't have much to do to turn 33, but the rest is all true.

Will update when I am feeling better.

My littlest guy is SIX today!

2008-10-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

Colin had just turned two years old when this picture was taken, he is making a fashion statement in one of his sisters' hat and coat. He was such a little chubba. Today we are celebrating all day that he is now six years old, boy is he feeling big. This morning he announced he can now reach the tallest monkey bars, because of course he must be taller. He's asked for a jet pack and a dirtbike, both of which have been nixed for obvious reasons, but his dad did look them up on the internet for him. Colin will now tell you "I really wanted a jet pack, but they cost way too much money." lol

He is also wearing a "birthday tie." We had stopped at a consignment store yesterday and he found this tie and wanted it for his birthday, he's been wearing since then. I'll post pics later but it is hilarious, he walked up to my dad and yelled "HEY GRANDPA LOOK AT MY BIRTHDAY TIE!"

I love this kid.

CATS!

2008-09-28T11:04:00.001-07:00

I love my cats. I really do, I am happy we have them and the whole family loves them and it has helped one of my sons get over his fear of animals to have them in our lives.

BUT. Last night, fairly late I heard a loud noise. I thought it was my husband and paid no attention. An hour or so later I got up as I suddenly remembered I needed to dry our clothes for this morning. As I walk into my kitchen I am smelling a perfumey sort of smell, like dryer sheets, so I follow the smell and why is the laundry room floor blue and WHAT IN THE HELL?!!?

My laundry room is a sea of detergent. The brand new just opened bottle of detergent is laying on its side on the floor with the cap off and it is now EMPTY. I stood there with my mouth open just staring at this gigantic mess, this waste of an ENTIRE bottle of laundry detergent.

I decided to ignore it and go back to bed. If I started cleaning it up I would be up all damn night and I had to get up early this morning and it would keep. I tried to think it would be easier if it were more solidified anyhow. I mean the floor in there is old anyway and it just isn't worth it.

Damn cats.

And again with the gone forever!

2008-09-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

Finally, here again. Blah blah with the whole school started life is nuts still getting house together illness stuff, etc.

As a special gift I will post the master bathroom pictures. I do not have the pictures of it finished, it is now bright yellow and I will probably change it when I get enough energy to tackle it again.

Here it is, with the lovely border and sponge painting:

And shells which were hot glued around the top of the wall and all around the shower:

Some of the many tools used for removal and cleaning as well as odor control (odor control was most important at first):

No more border, thanks Dif and my handy dandy scraper!

The shell graveyard, also a shot of the really yucky carpet. The black around the edges is dog hair from the Newfoundland:

Yeah, seriously gross carpet. You can see why we were wore shoes in this part of the house.

And the shells are gone! They were stuck on fairly well, until I sprayed them with Dif, let them soak, and voila! they popped right off.

And finally, covered in primer. Whew. I had some yellow so I muted it quite a bit with white and it ended up still being VERY bright. Eventually I will repaint, but again, there is still so much that needs tackling it may be ten years before I get to it.

So, there you are, the bathroom redo. We also painted the bottom cupboards, which were a very dark wood, with a light, light brown. Much better.

I promise more pics soon!

2008-07-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

Between the house, kids, work, and other activities I haven't had much extra time. I've then had to spend a lot of time recuperating from doing waaaaaay too much lately, my body was not very happy with me for a few days there.

We FINALLY have our carpet in upstairs, thank goodness. Now will be moving things into the bedroom. It is going to be so nice having bedrooms and beds and space and doors that can close. 6 people in three rooms for this long is a little wearing.

I can't wait to have dressers again.

2008-07-12T10:29:00.001-07:00

The temporary kid play area, Arenne, Colin, & Abbie intently using it.

The Living Room, new couch hasn't been delivered yet:

The dining room, currently a storage area and where the Wii is, Drew is found here often.

The other side of the dining room, again storage for now.

The laundry room:

Kitchen:

The master bathroom, will be painted. We've torn out that weird sliding curtain thing and I am in the middle of epoxying the shower/tub surround.

even more pictures

2008-07-12T10:24:00.001-07:00

This is the dog run in the backyard, the shed is pretty old, and there is concrete along with that lovely green umbrella.

We had this dumpster delivered as we knew there'd be lots of carpet and things thrown out. We filled maybe a fourth of it and let the former owners use it as they moved out (this saved us from having to throw it out ourselves). They filled the rest.

Natural Vegetation, yeah.

Side view of the deck, the tire and wood was left. The pvc piping was put up to hold an awning, we'll be removing it.

Very tall birdhouse

The skeery basement

2008-07-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

Next are pics of the basement, which had been annihilated by a very large Newfoundland and a small pooping and peeing everywhere dog. We still have one room to tear carpet out of and a lot more bleaching and cleaning. We're going to put a sealer paint down
on the floor. This is waiting while we finish the main floor.

Here are the stairs going down:

One of the best parts, rows of shelves!

Some things they left:

My Future Craft Room!

The absolute worst, very horrifying room, you are looking at dog hair, pee, and poop along with mold-which was thankfully on the surface of the wall. This carpet is now gone, as is the mold.

Eventually this will be the playroom, after much work. This carpet is also going, and there was surface mold here as well, it has been removed. All of that is stuff they left, although we don't mind the treadmill and big screen tv.

Once again, all they left. We have lots of extra paint now, although most of it has now been painted over.

The work are next to the shelves, a better part of the basement.

As promised...pics!

2008-07-12T10:02:00.001-07:00

First, the outside, we have a lot of work to do with the gardens and the outside needs painted, but the yard is huge and perfect for the kiddos:

we've finally made it out of the ghetto!

2008-07-05T21:26:00.001-07:00

We're officially in our new house. In case I have not clarified before, our old neighborhood was not an actual ghetto, but it is full of duplexes with a lot of people crammed into a small area. As it is mostly rentals you have a mix of people who care about where they live and those who definitely do not. We're in a smallish town in the midwest, its as ghetto as towns like ours get.

We've been renting for the entire eleven years of our marriage and are so very happy to FINALLY be in our own place. Thankfully the house has cleaned up much better than expected and the awful, horrible dog pee smell is confined to two rooms in the basement, which we're tearing the carpet out of. I'd love to power-wash them with bleach, but regular old scrubbing and mopping with bleach will have to do.

New carpet for the bedrooms and hallway upstairs will be (hopefully) installed at the end of the week, I'll be painting this week. Also painting the shower/tub in the main bath with epoxy and I just might have killed a few of my much needed brain cells with the fumes.

For now all six of us are living in three rooms of the house; living, dining, and kitchen-along with using the bathrooms. Yes, we're living like squatters. It's tight, but will be worth it once the carpet is in and we can move in all the furniture.

Too tired now, but promise pictures soon!

The good news

2008-06-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

is that they are cleaning the house a bit as they move out, along with airing it out. It is MUCH better than when we'd been there last.

The bad news is I am STILL packing and we have a big gigantic ton of work to do over the next couple weeks.

Yay!

Finally here again

2008-06-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

I once again forgot my email and password for this thing, until I remembered I use Mozilla and they are saved. Whew.

Where to start? On the health front I am having another flare, now the vasculitis is attacking my joints and causing arthritis. I feel like an old lady and am worried I am taking too many NSAID's. I started a new drug called Plaquinil, which will hopefully stop the joint damage in its tracks. I had to have an eye exam prior to starting it, apparently my eyes are reliable. I told the doctor I was happy to hear that something actually worked right. I'm having more of the jerks/shakes/tremors and hands aren't always working right, at least I've had a few years of this to get (mostly) used to it.

The five year old has climbed onto my lap in an effort to convince me he should get to do an "art projeck" using glue right now. I am staying strong with my no's. Colin+glue=scary, sticky disaster

On the home front-AACK GAH ACK HELP!! We're moving over the next week or so, the house we are moving into is a mess. Apparently the one or both of the dogs that have lived there have made it their mission to shit and piss everywhere. Contributing to the awfulness of it, the house has been closed up for a couple months. It SMELLS horrible and makes me want to cry. We have a LOT of work to do now, but have to wait for them to get the rest of their stuff out-of which there is a ton. Scary, scary, scary. We're trying to focus on the end result, instead of the process in getting there. We may just get drunk and stay that way through all of the work in cleaning it up.

The end of this movie

2008-05-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

makes up in a teensy way for the rest.

So it's been a bit

2008-05-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

and I know the plan was for me to blog every day this month, but I haven't made that goal. At all. At the moment I am watching "I think I Love My Wife..." starring Chris Rock. I wish I could say I like this movie, but at this point it just irritates the shit out of me with it's stupid cliches and ridiculousness. There is something about this whole crappy genre of movies that treat wives like they are this ball and chain or thing to be put up with that just completely irritates the shit out of me. Not even just wives, but even those who have long-term commitments, all of it. It is completely insulting that in movies we are relegated to picking out wall sconces and wallpaper and apparently that is all we are good for. Blech. And another blech.

The other thing is that it assumes wives are these are ignoramuses who would have NO IDEA that their husband is being a ridiculous jerk off chasing some chick who can't stand on her own two feet to find someone not already with another person. Starting a fight to get out of the house? Blech, yuck, patooey!

So on the real side of things, my kids are fantastic and doing great things every day. I have been having a crapload of arthritis and although I am handling it better mentally, it is really jacking with my daily agenda.

I have also decided that it is officially my mission to let other moms know that most of us are not at all together and prepared and FANTABULOUS, that there are only a very select few who are able to follow that mode and the rest of use muddle along in a realistic way. At the preschool program tonight I was told by three other mothers that were not prepared for dressing their kids up for the program and how they'd rushed to get them appropriate clothes for the night. And how they STILL felt unprepared for forgetting tights/shoes/whathaveyou. I made it a point to let them know two of my four were in lunch stained shirts and all four were in play clothes and we barely had their hair brushed before the program started. I let all of them know that if they were even tempted to feel bad they should think about us.

In the end, while I (briefly) considered rushing home for program type clothes, I decided to roll with it. It was not worth it to rush and go and do so my kids could wear some certain outfit. And not once during that program did I even think about my kids' clothes. I was focused on their smiles and how they sang and did they dance. It was fun and great and FANTABULOUS. Even if they weren't dressed up in their finest and polished up.

My goal is to affirm to other moms that while we feel pressured to achieve some damn goal, the achievers are few and far between and us catcher-uppers are more common than anyone would like to believe.

P.S. I do work for the Lutheran Church and there is a Minister in my title and I STILL am not a super-mom. So there. Take that.

Mother's Day is almost here...aaah.

2008-05-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend and I went for manicures and pedicures to treat ourselves for Mother's Day. It was fantastic. I hadn't been for either in a looooong time and forgot how relaxing it is. They had wonderful massage chairs-the best I've ever sat in-and did a great job. I had been in a lot of pain yesterday so it was especially nice to feel better. We laughed and had fun and just relaxed. I was a tad overwhelmed and edgy before, so it was to my family's benefit as I came home much happier. Wish I could afford to do it every week.

I have got to get some pictures uploaded, but I am too lazy right now. Colin lost his FIRST tooth and is very excited. As the youngest he often feels like he has to wait FOREVER for these kinds of things and he wanted to pull the tooth out himself when it was barely wiggly. I got him to wait and we pulled it out this morning, he is very, very happy and showing off his grin all over the place. The tooth next to it is wiggly as well and won't be too far behind.

On a hugely exciting note we will be moving soon. We are buying a house! We'll be leasing to own for a couple years, the seller can avoid tax penalties and it gives us a bit more time to get the loan in place. We're getting a great deal and the house is PERFECT. We cannot wait, we've been renting for way, way too long and as much as we've made this our home it just isn't that great and could be taken care of much better by our landlords. It will be so nice to be in our own place and have our money going towards something instead of into someone's pocket.

I can't wait, and am so excited. Except the move will happen around mid to end of June and it's MAY and I have a lot to pack and do. GAH!

I've started

2008-05-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

yet another dishcloth. They are so handy and so easy to make and it is so easy to avoid working on a project that seems to be taking forever in favor of a quick little nifty dishcloth.

I'm toying with the idea of crocheting a bathroom rug or two, but because of the aforementioned projects I've been avoiding I don't want to start anything new. I really, really need to just buckle down and work on them. The crazy part is that I like working on them once I get going, so it makes no sense for me to avoid them.

I'm not sure why I expect myself to make sense though, you'd think I'd have gotten used to it by now.

Collect your money

2008-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

I officially missed yesterday. If only I had popped on to dash off a quick note. Except I didn't.

I spent much of the day at church where the line is often blurred between my volunteering and working. For some I am told to put down hours worked, but for others its all volunteered. I ended up with the notes from the two hour afternoon meeting as well personal notes for all the things asked/given to me to do as a result of the meeting. Wheeeee!

I also went to dinner with a friend and it was very nice, very nice! I think both of us needed a break from husbands/kids/jobs/houses to vent and talk and laugh. I felt much better, especially after being sick and in spite of having fifty bazillion thousand things to do at work and home.

Apparently it was also Ex-Boyfriend Day at the restaurant we went to for lunch. First I saw an ex who I had almost married and was with for a long time. I haven't run into him for at least 8 years and it was sort of strange because he looks older and it was a reminder that I also look older and am indeed in my 30's. The other is a good friend and our daughters and sons now play together and I've gotten over the weird we're grown-ups now factor with him. I did tell my mom that we needed to get out of there because after one or two more ex-boyfriend sightings it could only go downhill from there

Alright

2008-05-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

so I made yesterday's post on the 1st, but then didn't get it posted until today. But it retained the original date. So there you go. My only defense is that I have once again caught the latest respiratory whatever going around.

Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown.

The handy thing about Identical Twins

2008-05-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

is that if people want to know what they look like and there is only one of them around, I can say "There's another one just like her."*

*Disclaimer: Yes, we celebrate their individuality and they are not known as the twins or as one person, but as two entirely separate people who look very much the same.

This should've been my post for the 2nd, which I apparently did not actually publish to my blog.

I could've probably gotten away with

2008-05-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

the post about posting every day in May as my actual first day of May post, but I'm going to shock you and post AGAIN! HA HA!

I had to post to show off Abbie & Arenne, who are now NINE years old and WAY WAY TOO OLD.

I realized the other day when talking with some moms about baby stuff that I no longer have any babies. I've known this for awhile, but this is the first time it really hit me that I NO LONGER HAVE ANY BABIES! I had four children in three and a half years and my world was baby central for so long. Wow. No babies. There's good and bad in that. The good is no more midnight bottles, diaper changes, diaper BUYING, spit-up, endless crying and all that. The bad is no more sweet baby smiles and giggles or baby head sniffing or soft baby cuddles, and well, you know the rest.

I will just have to snuggle other people's babies. And watch as mine get older and older every single minute.

Blog A Day? I think I can, I think I can...

2008-05-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

The loverly Venus & Nicole are blogging each day of May and I am going to try to keep up. A smart woman would bet against me given my track record, but there's something to be said for not being able to shut my mouth and the ability to type fast. We'll see how I do!

I am officially a MOA

2008-04-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

now that I have survived Advent, Christmas, Easter and Confirmation services. Whew.

The good news is that I am slowly but surely making my way through the mountains of files and learning the various equipment and software and feeling more on top of things every day. It helps to be feeling better and have more energy.

I had wanted to try to get some things made up for a craft fair we had this past weekend, unfortunately I have been having a rough go of it with the arthritis so I gave up on that idea. Hopefully next year. I did find some nice handmade rugs for my kitchen and get a new purse, woohoo!

I really, really hope to get some sleep tonight. This past week has been a restless one and I didn't have my usual time on the weekend to rest.

Not bad, not bad at all

2008-04-23T07:20:00.001-07:00

were my doctors words at my appt yesterday. I told him that was good because I wasn't overly fond of bad.

I haven't needed an epogen or neuprogen shot in 3 weeks and after a fun-filled day and night of keeping my urine in a jug and then a big bad blood draw yesterday morning and THEN my doctor's visit I have found that all my levels look very good and things are going pretty darn well.

I do not have to go back for a month. I have a whole month of no blood draws, no hospital or doctor visits, no injections. A MONTH.

I will still have to do the whole pee in a jug thing along with the blood draws in a month, but I'll take every bit I can get.

I also get to take one less med. Life is good, not bad, not bad at all.

Yeah, I'm not finishing the photo post

2008-04-21T09:57:00.001-07:00

because it has been forever and I just don't feel like it.

Sorry for not posting for so long, I am really not feeling well. Lots of joint pain, probably due to the dampness and rain.

I am not all that witty or interesting at the moment, but I am crocheting & knitting. At some point I will actually put some pics up.

Abbie & Arenne turned 9, it is so crazy how old they are getting, it's just too fast! They had a dog party centered around my mom's new dog, Petey. It was hilarious and a lot of fun.

Hopefully I will be on again soon and a little more interesting!

2008-04-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

stolen from Nicole and Venus

Here’s how it works:
1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Insert the picture into your Blog

1. What is your relationship status?

2. What is your current mood?

3. Who is your favorite band/artist?

4. What is your favorite movie?

*****Need to pause and will finish later!

5. What kind of pet do you have?

6. Where do you live?

7. Where do you work?

8. What do you look like?

9. What do you drive?

10. What did you do last night?

11. What is your favorite TV show?

12. Describe yourself.

13. What are you doing today?

14. What is your name?

15. What is your favorite candy?

Not ANOTHER shot!

2008-03-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

So, my white blood count has dropped again. It's not as severe as last time, but it's low so I am back on the neupogen. At least it is only one time a week. So two shots once a week with CBC to monitor me.

Yesterday's epogen shot really hurt, they haven't been as painful, or so I thought. Maybe I was just used to the pain from having them so often and now that I am on one a week I am noticing more?

Congested and stuffed up again BLEH, BLECH. I am learning that remission does not equal feeling healthy and great, more that it is better but still with issues and pain.

On the yarn side I have finished a washcloth for each of the kids, but I haven't gotten pics yet. I started a shawl/poncho. The pattern is for an asymmetrical poncho but it doesn't seem wide enough so it might be a shawl in the end. I am trying to make up some things to sell for an upcoming craft fair, but I'm not sure I will have enough time. We'll see.

Drew's Bunny Imitation

2008-03-25T00:29:00.000-07:00

Little by little

2008-03-22T10:41:00.001-07:00

Everyday is a little better, thank goodness!!! I actually worked a full eight hour day (actually about ten total). Of course I then had to recover and am wiped out and in more pain, but I'll keep on chugging. The influenza cold crap seems a little worse, hopefully it is just part of the natural course but we're keeping an eye on it. I am tired of it though.

I've found a group about my condition-called Polyarteritis Nodosa, or PAN for short. I am so happy to have found it, it's a tremendous resource. The members are people like myself, family members, and doctors and nurses. It's really great to have found a group of people with so much knowledge and support.

I was getting some crocheting and knitting done everyday as well but have had a few days of a break from it, not on purpose but I've just been too tired. A friend is setting up a crafter show and has asked if I would be interested in having some things in it, so I need to get my behind in gear and make some stuff. Wheee!

Holy week is a busy one in my job so between work, home, and my illness it's about all I do.

Last night we had our Good Friday service, with a traditional tenebrae service. It was very beautiful and moving and sad. After each of the candles were extinguished a toll was sounded and we ended with a prayer at the front of the church, around the altar in front of the cross, and they ended with the sound of a door shutting-to symbolize the closing of the tomb. I was very moved by all of it, and was glad to see more people there than our last few Lenten services. Hopefully in true form we will have even more for Easter services. It's really interesting to be in on the inner workings with my job. I've grown up in the church but I didn't realize all of the many things I didn't know and still have yet to learn.

I'll end with my five year old's interpretation of Jesus from the children's sermon on Maundy Thursday (announced to the entire church), "Jesus was born in a manger and grew up and helped people and then he got dead." Now when this child speaks up in public my husband and I cringe, just waiting to hear what will come out of his mouth. This time I wasn't sure how to react, and in true sap form I have to admit I was a little moved at his understanding even if got dead isn't the best way to say it.

The Alien Has Landed

2008-03-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

Drew totally loves his alien washcloth. I've started a dragonfly-another of Nicole's patterns-for Arenne and then will be a frog for Abbie. Colin has already asked for an alien like Drew's. The washcloths have definitely gotten me back into the swing of things. I'm also working on a hat in some Andean Treasure, using a bamboo crochet hook. There is something so soothing and satisfying watching the yarn become something. It's saved my sanity through all the illness and being stuck at home and not able to do much.

Alien Cloth time!

2008-03-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Drew, the 7 year old, has chosen his pattern for a washcloth-the alien cloth by Nicole of Purple Duckie. Out of the cotton yarn I have on hand he chose Sugar 'n Cream in Blue Grass. I am really digging the colors in this yarn. Next up will be a dragonfly cloth for Arenne. I am very happy to be friends with my yarn again, especially with this illness, or I'd be even more stir crazy.

Influenza, you have won.

2008-03-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

It was a bitter battle and influenza has won. Completely and totally kicked my behind and I am down for the count. I slept much of the day away, aside from kid interruptions including the youngest rolling all over me, and am up briefly to take some medicine and have some soup before crashing again.

Listen, folks. I am trying to keep my spirits up. I want to be celebrating my newfound remission. Instead I am sick...AGAIN. Highly irritating.

On a nice note a friend went in to help organize my office where things have been piled on my desk waiting for my return-as I work in a church people often feel they have free reign in there-. Since I've been sick (or children have) for three weeks and counting there were massive piles everwhere. I've been given a new bookshelf, other shelves and organizers, and a cleared off desk. It feels like one of those makeover shows on hgtv. Now if I could just get well enough to actually be in said office.

Sigh.

Another washcloth done!

2008-03-08T15:29:00.000-08:00

This time it's Nicole's Duckie cloth, for Colin. He chose the pattern and the color and loves it! Wheee! This influenza has hit me hard and it's been nice to be making things with yarn again so I don't go too stir crazy. Arenne and Colin are both feeling better, although Ari is still coughing quite a bit. Abbie & Drew have still not gotten this, I really hope they don't.

Off to the hospital for the shot I missed yesterday and to work to try to cram a few days worth of work into a couple hours. Fun, fun, fun.

double post day!

2008-03-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

Just to post totally unnecessary pictures, hooray! I picked these things up in California while out getting presents for the kids. Usually I don't get much for myself, but I couldn't resist these. First is a scrubber holder for my froggy kitchen, then a mug that cracked me up because I am amused easily. Let's hope I'll be well enough to actually do some golfing this summer!

And I'll end with a delicious shot of some chocolate chip cookies I made last night. Yes folks, I actually baked something!

Definitely in remission!

2008-03-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

I am officially in remission!!! I saw my doctor yesterday and it is official. I will stay on certain meds long-term, although it would be nice to go off the prednisone and some others! I also will continue to follow my diet and take my blood pressure medicine. At the moment I am fighting this flu that is running rampant through my house, but I am miles better than I was a week ago. I also will continue the epogen shots as my red blood cells are not where they should be. Interestingly I did not realize the epogen stung because I had gotten them with the neuprogen and the pain from those overshadowed the stinging.

Now for the yarn! I had been miserable and was having a huge loll on the crochet/knitting front. I decided to do some washcloths to try to kickstart things. Here are the results! The kids have requested washcloths with their names on them, that will be the next project, along with finishing all the hats I have due. The heart cloth is from Nicole's pattern, found here.

It is very, very nice to be feeling so much better.

No more neoprogen!

2008-03-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday I no longer have to get the neuprogen shots, WOOHOO!!! These were the more painful of the two. I am really hoping that all of my levels are up enough that I also will no longer need the epogen shots, but I won't find out until tomorrow.

It really looks like I am in remission and I cannot describe in words how great this feels. Incredible. I am waking up in the mornings with real energy, and making it through the days without having to nap. I do need a little downtime still, but I don't have that bone-tired exhaustion and it is amazing. I taught Sunday School today, went to church, out to lunch, have been able to clean my house and do laundry, I'm playing with my kids and still (mostly) have enough left to form sentences!

I did have a few reminders of the neuro failings today, when spelling the name Kia today at Sunday School I actually said Key-I-A. Key? Really?

I am so happy, so relieved, and so happy to be in this place. Just to be able to do normal daily activities is so nice and its a little funny to be happy about things like laundry, but it's so worth it.

She's baaack!

2008-02-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

The title is what my husband said earlier tonight, as I was getting after the kids for fighting. Followed by "It is so good to not be the only one hollering at them!" LOL the things we celebrate. Yes, I am hollering at my kids again. Well, more like loud whispering as I still don't have much of a voice, but I woke up today and I swear I can actually feel my body healing. Incredible.

The bone pain is wicked, but my mouth is no longer swollen and the pain there is minimal. Especially compared to what it was a day or two ago. My throat is not as sore, and I am able to talk, although it can be hard to hear me. I have some holes in my tongue, a massive one on the side, from the canker sores and still soreness as they are healing, but they are HEALING.

I had a bit more energy today. Not a lot, but it's there and that's what counts. I had an appetite today! I haven't cared about food for DAYS, which for me is shocking. Now I just need to get my mouth healed so I can EAT! Still doing soft foods and soups, nothing spicy or that will aggravate the canker sores, but I'm miles better than I was a few days ago.

I had a blood draw today, hopefully I will get the results when I go in for my shots tomorrow, and I know progress is being made, I can FEEL it.

Incredible. So far no signs of vasculitis returning, I am starting to get my hopes up for remission. I can hardly imagine how I will be with energy. And I should get to keep my hair this round. ;)

Two shots today, very tired

2008-02-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

I went and had my two shots. The epogen doesn't burn as much as the neuprogen, so that's good. I treated myself to some matzo ball soup from a great place near the hospital. Soup is my main food right now, as it requires no chewing, although I did have scrambled eggs and toast last night.

I wasn't able to sleep much at all last night or today and am exhausted. Not seeing a lot in the way of side effects, diarrhea and the bones aching is it for now. Opted out of going into work, hopefully tomorrow will be better, especially if the red blood and white blood cells start partying. My bones were really hurting today and I was tempted to call and beg for some sort of pain meds, especially after being awake last night from all the different pains, but I didn't. I'm not sure why exactly. I would be perfectly justified in asking for something, but I hesitate to ask.

My left arm still hurts from the neuprogen yesterday and my right is aching from the two shots today and I would dearly love to sleep for hours, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I do have a better perspective today and I know that when my immune system is restored and we can see for sure the vasculitis is in remission I will definitely be celebrating. Maybe that nice dinner the nurse suggested. I am trying to focus on the positive side of all this, that the vasculitis could be in remission and only six months after my ER visit. I keep warning everyone to watch out, if I am in remission and get my energy back they are all in trouble. It's weird to imagine what I will be like WITH energy though, it's been so long since I've had very much of it.

Please Sir, May I have another?

2008-02-26T12:19:00.001-08:00

The one shot of neuprogen everyday is not cutting it. This news did not surprise me considering how awful I feel. They are now going to give me another shot in addition to to it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This is to boost my red blood cells as well. I once again forgot to ask my wbc test results and the name of the new shot so I have called back to ask if they could let me know.

I am absolutely miserable. Lots of pain, can't sleep, feel horrible and I am trying to spend time with my kids, get myself to the hospital each day and put in a few hours at work. Work has said that I can take as much time as I need, BUT we are already taking a huge cut in income for the time I am losing and there is so much to do as it is the end of the month it is easier to do myself than try to explain to someone else. Which would be extra excruciating given the horrible sore throat and canker sores. So, I drag myself up to the hospital, get the shot and/or blood test and now second shot, go to work-where my kids are, get a few hours in and we all go home where I take some more drugs and promptly crash. Until the mouth pain wakes me up again.

Eating hurts, I am having to make myself eat, at least I am on vitamins, but good gracious my diet is not as healthy as I'd like. It just hurts too much. I'm doing much better with hydration, since my ER trip I am mainly on water and some tea, and that has stayed the same, except in the more horrific stages of cankerpalooza when I couldn't bring myself to swallow unless I absolutely had to.

There are times I want to call and beg them to give some painkillers, something to knock me out, and shockingly times I've even thought I might be better off in the hospital. But, then I wouldn't get the snuggle time I do get with my kids and it would cost a bajillion dollars more and obviously my doctor thinks I am doing okay at home.

My husband has hit the end of his rope, stress wise, and I understand. I alternate between wanting him to just hold me and wanting to let him vent because I know it has to be hard to take on the role of EVERYTHING in the house, with only a few breaks here and there on top of a full time job and to see your spouse sick and hurting.

Rough times, rough times. I'm struggling, near tears too easily most of the time-more than my usual sappiness and really just wanting this to be over. It seems like just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. Although the optimist would reverse that and say that just when I think I have handled as much as I possibly can, I get an opportunity to handle something even more imposing. I am having a hard time dealing with my optimistic side. Pretty much squashed at the moment.

Optimism is wavering

2008-02-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but it seems farther and farther away. I now have a cold on top of all this, and as I have no immune system yet this is not good. I already have a hard time doing things with the infections in my mouth, it's like it saps any energy I have to fight that and now a cold and sore throat. The pain in my mouth wakes me up during the night, I cannot wait to have a full night's sleep.

The shots are still no fun, I go for daily visits to the hospital and every other day have my blood drawn and then get the shot. I always need a bandaid because my blood doesn't clot very well. Kind of interesting to see those little things.

It's hard to be told something so huge, like going off the cyclophosphamide, and be so excited to be healthy only to learn that the road to get there is a rough one. I just want to be better.

I'd love to see the white blood count come back higher today, but I'm doubting that with the onset of this cold. I guess we'll see.

Soooo, here is an update and potential good news!

2008-02-22T17:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy week and a half for me, whew. One of my sisters bought me a plane ticket to CA to visit her and my other sister and her family and our grandparents. My brother was also out there. I was blown away and it was so good to see them all. My sisters had last seen me in the hospital and right after, I was in pretty rough shape. Since then I have lost almost 40 lbs, I still have my struggles, but I look a lot better.

They were shocked. We surpised my grandparents, we went over for Sunday dinner, they were expecting my brother, I waited outside for them to all get in and then knocked on the door, my grandma opened it, couldn't make a sound she was so surprised and then started screaming My grandpa was sitting there with his mouth open. It was the best, really hilarious and fun.

My little nephew man is growing up, he is 2 and talking in fantastic sentences. We did quite of bit of playing together, and he can now ride his tricycle! I had so much fun out in the warm, beautiful weather seeing all of my family.

Then things got tough. I take it much easier these days than in the past, I have to as I've learned, and this trip was pretty darn relaxing. I had felt a canker sore or two coming on, this turned into 7 canker sores at once, and moved into my gums. Kablaam! I spent the last two days of the trip down for the count, in excruciating pain surviving with ibuprofen, orajel/anbesol, ice packs, and swishing with peroxide. I had an appt already with my doctor, went in and he said "That looks very painful, and very bad." and promptly fixed me up with some great medications for it all. AND he said that he thought this and my recent vomiting episodes could be due to the fact that my vasculitis is under control and now my immune system is being too suppressed. So, Thursday was last day on the cyclophosphamide. I wasn't excpecting this for at least another 6 months. I also found out my white blood cell count was very, very low, so I have to go for shots in the arm to boost that, as well as blood tests every other day.

Finally today I was able to up and actually do things. It has been really, really rough and I've been in and continue to be in a lot of pain, but I keep trying to think that this could be the beginning of me coming off all these meds and potentially living a "normal" life for awhile. So long as the vasculities doesn't come back or flare up.

I know this is incredibly long, but I needed to get on here and post, between as sick as I was, then trying to get everything done, then the trip, and the new sickness I haven't had time for ANYTHING. I am making myself be up and out with my family tonight because I have hated not even being able to talk to them-although that isn't a whole lot easier yet lol. Soon, soon.

Thank God for the bright side.

So cold.

2008-01-19T12:53:00.001-08:00

Cold, cold, cold. It is just plain cold. Not wilds of Canada or Alaska cold, but still below zero freezing cold. Bleh. Need to go into work and have no motivation to go out into the cold. Don't want to warm up the car, put on coat, hats, and gloves, try not to fall on my ass on the icy sidewalk. I want none of it. I want comfy jammies, warm blanket, staying at home.